Sub Rosa: Disturbed Saga
by kayura sanada
Summary: 1st. Duo POV. After the war, Duo finds out that he isn't who he thought he was... and searches for himself. In his search, Duo meets an enemy... will he have to fight alone? Will be a long storyline. 1x2, 3x4, 5xS. Sequel up!
1. Conflict

Disclaimer: This series isn't mine, and it never will be. Thanks for the reminder.

Archive? Sure!

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Sub Rosa 

Conflict

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The war ended.

That doesn't seem to be much to you, does it? But it was everything to me. The war ended. And... so did I.

So what was left for me? I started a business with Hilde. I delivered things... anything, anywhere. Anything from a love note... to information lost on stranded ships that were destroyed in the war. Anything. Hilde stayed back and worked at our place. I did the travel. She accused me of being chauvinist and macho, but seriously... some of the work we did was dangerous. I didn't let her get involved in those, and the out-jobs... just became mine.

I kept in touch with the guys. Trowa still hung out at the circus... and consequently had a certain blond teenager frequently visiting him. Poor Quatre. He was hopelessly in love with Trowa, and Trowa just didn't seem to notice. But Trowa was growing out of himself, thanks to Quatre and Catherine. The woman might be an overbearing, overprotective psycho, but she was wonderful for Trowa. They were practically brother and sister.

Anyway, I kept in touch with the guys. Or at least... Quatre and sometimes Trowa. I hadn't seen Wufei since that fiasco with Maremaia... and Heero...

Well, I did my best to avoid him.

Why? Oh, come on. I love the guy. No shit. But... it hurt, you know? He contacted me a few times to give Relena presents. It's obvious that the guy's nuts about her. The fact that I am the deliveryman for Heero's love-gifts to the Queen of the World...

So I avoided him. Stuffed that pain down into the box with the rest of my shit.

So anyway. I was a deliveryman who kept in basic touch with his gang. I keep in touch with Quatre most of all. He and I... we got close during the war, despite our vast differences. He became a member of my gang, just like I had always envisioned all us pilots could become. I thought of us all as a new gang... I envisioned me as Solo, bringing all the little rats together.

Yeah... that's how it happened.

It was bullshit. I should have seen that. I didn't. I was naïve. Stupid. The pilots thought of me as a nuisance. A fool. A "baka". God... that one hurt the most. Heero, whose respect I yearned for... thought I was an idiot. He never understood that there was so much more to me. More... demons than an idiot can see and maintain his idiocy.

But Quatre, at least, joined with me. He and I talked about... hell, so many things back then. He was the only one. Trowa... Trowa was cool. He and I never got close, but... he was always steady, always calm and just... there. Dependable Trowa. Trowa would take our backs without question... but it was all fairly technical. You help one another out... but only as war buddies. Never as a true pack. Everyone stood by everyone... Trowa was like... well, he was a loner, even when in a group. Sometimes I wonder how Quatre fell for him. The two were so different.

Anyway... I was leaving the circus. I went with Quatre because he didn't want to go completely alone... he was far too important to be wandering around unaccompanied, even if he was going to a circus that held in it an ex-Gundam pilot. But, of course, once it was over, Quatre went over to talk to Trowa, and I knew that the two of them alone together could potentially get that one step closer. Quatre was definitely in love with Trowa, and Trowa at least watched Quatre as a good friend. Maybe they could get a little closer...

Hey, somebody should be happy. My love was definitely unrequited. Heero Yuy would never fall for a baka, now would he? Hell, the way he always acted towards me... even from the start...

And why the hell was I thinking about all this? Well, I'll tell you: it was night, and I was alone. Quiet. Worse, it was either a full moon or close to it. For some reason, I'm always disgustingly introspective when there's a large moon out. I guess it could be the screaming man. The first time I saw the moon from on Earth, I was captivated. The moon truly does look like a graveyard from the perspective of someone in the colonies. You can't see the screaming man because everything looks... dead. But down on earth, there's a life to it. An agonizing life, if the man's wide eyes and mouth were any indication, but life nonetheless... and it was a life that I could relate to. Poor guy.

Anyway... walking. Yeah. I didn't have anywhere to go, really. My ship was out at the dock, and that was what I was staying in as I delivered my packages. Man, I really stretched my hours. I don't have a really strict schedule, but I still have a schedule. And man, did it cost a horrendous amount of gas to be flying off everywhere. But whenever Quatre was around or needed me... hell, sometimes I just found myself flying off to see Quatre every once in a while. Sometimes I came to Trowa's circus and hung out... in secret, yeah, but I was there. Just to see him. I wished I dared do that with Heero, but... well, let's just say that never really panned out. Besides, I doubted that I would get a warm welcome.

As for Wufei... the bastard disappeared. He just seemed to disappear off the face of the planet. Like the white rabbit in _Alice in Wonderland._ The guy just kept running into the storyline, only to fucking disappear again in the next second.

But man, I wanted his respect too. Wufei is... he's incredible. He's strong, and graceful. He had real reasons to fight. He had... morals, when all I had... was vengeance in my heart and the desire to save kids from turning out like me.

_But who did you save?_ a voice in my head whispered, and left me shivering.

Lately... lately, I've had that voice showing up more and more often. I'm not insane... that voice was me. I was starting to really think about the war when before all I did was live through every day and try not to think about it too hard. That part of me that was beginning to awaken... and it hurt, too. Damn it, but there were things I didn't want to see. Things I didn't want to admit.

Too much thinking has never really been all that beneficial for me.

So I aimed my feet towards the port and determinedly changed my thoughts. I calculated lost time, necessary course changes and maintenance repairs that were needed for the company's ship, "Faulkner". Who's Faulkner? Well, I looked him up – Hilde was the one who named the ship, after all. She said my names were too morbid. Anyway, Faulkner wrote a lot of stories. Hilde like _The Sound and the Fury, _but my personal favorite was _As I Lay Dying_. I especially liked Addie Bundren's line - "I could just remember how my father used to say that the reason for living was to get ready to stay dead a long time." Isn't that just freakin' hilarious? For some reason, Hilde didn't think so. She can be such a romanticist.

Anyway... God. I finally seriously thought about what I was doing and almost laughed. I'm such a hypocrite, aren't I? I hide from everyone, and here I am, continuing to hide. I'm running back to Faulkner and I'm hiding in there. From Quatre? Sure. Trowa? Definitely. Myself?

... Yeah. Myself as well.

The night was a little cold. Why did the colonies have cold seasons? I mean, who likes them? It was so cold I could see my breath. That was a little much. Man, I hate the cold. Have hated it since I was a kid. It was always there – L2 certainly wasn't a rich colony – far from it. More often than not, it was cold. The heating was too expensive. And we rats ended up hiding in abandoned buildings, where the ground was freezing and the air was frost on your skin. We learned to sleep in that cold, even as it tried to steal feeling from your extremities. We would huddle together to try to maintain warmth.

I shuddered in remembrance.

The sidewalk had streetlamps periodically dotting the night, like little spotlights. There was no one out – not like L2. Night was when the colony of L2 had come alive. Hookers sold their wares and an abundance of people, men and women both, came to see just what was being offered. Drug dealers crawled out to sell their own items. Bums came skulking around searching for food or a quieter place to sleep. This place was respectable. Most people were probably heading for bed, for God's sake.

I wondered if anyone saw me as a traveled alone through the spotlights on the ground. What were they thinking? Did they wonder why I was alone? Did they think of me as some sort of evil stalker, or was I a gang member? A juvenile. I almost laughed at that; if they only knew.

I thought about Quatre then. Was he making his way off of the circus grounds alone? Was he cold? Maybe I should go back. Maybe I should...

_Who's truly feeling alone right now?_

Damn that evil little voice. I didn't need a psychologist in my head.

I managed to continue going and made it back to the port without any more insightful speculations from the demon-imp in my mind. Unfortunately, I also found myself falling asleep – keeping myself from thinking when I'm in this mood usually means thinking about something insanely innocuous like sheep or listing the countries that are merging... and those who are arguing with the unification. Some countries are obsessed with sinning. Like Israel and Pakistan. Those two countries have only been fighting for, what? At least 2500 years. Good God.

Anyway, I managed to get into the Faulkner and locked up before passing out on my bed. I could only pray that things looked up soon.

* * *

You know what, prayers are a complete waste of time and God just fucking hates me.

Of course getting gas for my trip would take an extra three hours because Lord forbid they have enough for little ol' me. That's right – they needed to transport gas in... they hadn't done it for some reason. What the hell? Then I had to get my course calculations okayed i again /i because of the delay. The officials in Space Travel got just pissed enough to wait to okay me for another three hours... even though I posted it as a delay, which is i supposed /i to be okayed within the hour. Bastards. So it was the afternoon before I got my baby up in the launching bay... where I waited for my launch ramp to be available for a half hour. Hilde was going to kill me.

Then it was the traditional heavy metal music as I launched and I was finally in space again. I had two days to kill until I got to the first colony, where two packages were waiting to be delivered. One was to the Preventors – a little note that I had to leave, something that I had found on my little travels that would help them out immensely – and another to a client who had wanted some rare scrap metal for his oh-so-important sculpture (somehow the guy even got money for the things. Go figure). The Preventors drop-off would be second and really, really discreet. I always sent the stuff straight to Commander Une (creepy lady) and demanded complete anonymity... because HE worked there.

As for my heavy metal music... some of it is from the war. More of it is from afterwards, when I needed a reason to continue... when I needed something to help get me pissed off. Shinigami all the way there – get angry... just get the work done. It doesn't matter how, just as long as you get it accomplished.

It scared me sometimes... the fact that I couldn't completely let go of Shinigami. I had created him a long time ago. I had needed him back then. But now... now I don't need him. Yet here he is; he shows himself to me all the time. He grins sometimes... that old grin that grabbed my lips whenever I fought in Deathscythe.

And sometimes I'll catch myself smiling and I'll wonder just what the hell I'm smiling at. That's when that little devil-voice will come back, whispering these things, making me start seeing things I didn't want to see.

I had burned my priest's outfit after the war ended. That's right. Bye-bye revenge, hello new life. Right? Wrong. I went back to that battlefield... but it was over now... wasn't it? Wasn't my battle over? I wasn't with the Preventors, and I certainly wasn't in a battle. It was all over... it had ended.

Had I ended with it?

It's these thoughts I deliberately drown the fuck out on board ship. Enter Hoobastank on my speakers then, singing about being out of control. That's what I wanted – to scream out my pain and frustration through a song--

--And then I hear that imp again. _Your friends... you are the one who goes to them... you are the one who fears being alone again. Who has come to you?_

Perceptive little prick.

I killed the gravity and glided through the hall to the galley. There was really nothing there to eat, and Lord knows I couldn't paint too well.

Paint? Yes, paint. No spacer goes out for weeks at a time with the walls gray. It's made some men insane. So my galley is a light blue with clouds everywhere, like you're floating in the sky. Even the floor is painted, which is extremely odd. But I liked it; the earth's sky was beautiful. People always say that the skies on the colonies are very similar to the sky on Earth, but they're wrong. Earth's sky is so much... fuller, more vast. Clearer. It had an honesty to it that the colonies just couldn't copy. I tried to capture that, but it was hard. Honesty can never be shown in a painting, because the painting itself was a copy, and therefore unoriginal.

My mind was slipping into philosophy – a dangerous pasttime even in the best of circumstances. I never had a lot of food in the galley... I never cared enough, but I sometimes had others on the ship and Hilde gave me a hard time whenever I tried to just grab some supplement bars, so I had some "real food" on board. I killed some time getting those and preparing them. It was a little more difficult to prepare foods in space, and even more difficult in zero gravity. I killed enough time to switch my mind from philosophy to something akin to depression.

That damn imp was getting more persistent each day. There were things I didn't want to see, things that I wanted to continue hiding from. It messed with my sleep sometimes.

I grabbed a bulb of juice and sat to think. That imp was a part of me. I was hiding from myself, wasn't I? I was hiding from something as stupid as thoughts I didn't want to acknowledge. Well, Duo Maxwell never ran from things forever. No way. I was too damn strong to accept this.

I deliberately ate all of my food, knowing I might not be able to eat after I started listening to what that little fucker had to say. I sipped at my bulb afterwards and closed my eyes, leaving the view of a sky and just floating in my own little abyss of nothingness.

Okay, stupid imp. What the hell do you want?

_You are alone._

Okay, I'll admit that my first reaction to that was 'no shit?' But I knew what I was trying to tell myself. That I was alone. Just like I was after the Maxwell Church burned down... there may be people around me... but I was alone. Why did that scare me so bad?

Because I had never been alone before that time after the Maxwell Church Massacre. Okay. That's something I may not like to admit – that I desperately wanted to be around people because I desperately i didn't /i want to be alone. All right. But Quatre and I were friends. He and I talked to each other all the time. Same with Hilde. I was still close with her, and Trowa...

_You stay with them for fear of being completely alone._

... That one took a few minutes to accept. That I... made a point of being around them because... I needed to be near a gang. I needed that gang that I had tried to form. I needed it so desperately that I did everything in my power to not only create it but only to keep it. Was it for myself? Was I seeing Quatre just because I wanted to be surrounded by people that I could... trust? Just what had I been looking for all these years? What had I been doing?

_You want desperately to be with these people who could be brothers, but you are alone. You are not even with yourself, because you do not exist yet._

I opened my eyes in fear. Just what all had I been hiding from myself?

_Can you exist? Beyond your mask and beyond Shinigami, who are you? You are no one. You are nothing. You are a jester and a killer and nothing more._

I wanted to argue. I wanted to... but I couldn't. Because beyond the smiles and the laughter and the heavy metal music... I didn't have any idea who I was.

Was this what I had wanted to show myself all this time? Was this what I had been trying to tell myself since the war ended? How much had I hidden? For how long?

Dear Lord... who the hell was I?

I left that room feeling more vulnerable than I ever had in my life. I sat there in my cockpit and stared out into space and for the first time wondered if that was how I looked on the inside.

* * *

I successfully delivered what I considered my last two packages. I had made a monumental decision: I would leave everyone. I would bounce into space and I would... find myself out in the place that was as empty as I was. And I would find myself. Somehow. Until then... I had to be on my own. Alone... completely. No more hanging onto Hilde and Quatre and trying so very desperately to create what couldn't be created. No more leaning. I couldn't do that to them. Besides, if we were a gang... I would have to be able to stand on my own. A cripple is of no use to a gang.

So I delivered the crap-artist his junk and successfully sneaked in my secret little package to the Preventors. It was when I was leaving that I got hit with a shock. A couple of late workers were leaving the building. Heero was talking animatedly with someone... Wufei. I felt my heart stop, skid, and stop again. I think I breathed heavily. I know I froze. I know I only breathed again when they left in their respective cars and drove away. I know a part of me tore... I wanted to go say hi. I wanted to keep my job here a secret. I wanted Heero...

Well. I now knew where Wufei was. He had joined Preventors and, more likely than not, had joined up with Heero. And, by the looks of things, the two had gotten close. As they had never gotten close to me.

God... I needed to get out of here.

So I left. I turned and I left and I cinched my plan. I called Quatre from the Faulkner and waited for him to answer. He finally did, an adviser behind him. I almost hung up. "Duo?"

"Hey, Qat." I deliberately kept my voice serious. Quatre, ever in tune with the emotions of others, knew immediately that something was wrong. He dismissed his adviser immediately.

"Duo? What's wrong?"

"Quatre, I..." How to say that I had just realized that I don't exist? "I... I can't come see you... for a while."

"Duo?" Quatre looked really concerned. He, I realized painfully, was a true friend. And the only one out of the four that was.

"I'm sorry, Quatre. I just realized that... during this time... I need a chance to find... who I am now." There. I said it, out loud and everything.

"Oh, Duo..." And just like that, Quatre seemed to understand. "I'll help you any way I can."

"That's just it, Qat," I confessed. "I've been hiding behind you..." God it sucked to admit that. "I need to get out there... on my own. I'm going to leave the business, Qat... I'm depending too much on you guys."

"Duo, you don't ask me for anything." Qat seemed to be heading back towards that confusion.

"Nothing physical," I countered, "but..." Now this was something I _couldn't_ admit. "Qat, just know that I need to get out there... on my own." To exemplify how alone I've always been, and how it tore at me to just now notice. "It's something I have to do."

"But Duo... just yesterday..."

"I know." I flinched with Quatre as I realized just how harsh that sounded. "I know and I'm sorry, but..."

"I... I don't think I understand, but..." Quatre nodded. "Will I see you again?"

"Yeah!" I was quick to reassure. "I'll keep in touch, but... it won't be as... often as... usual." What was usual? I felt as if my world was flipping over itself. I felt lost. I felt... very, very alone. I think... a part of me had always felt this way. "Oh! And Qat?"

"Yes, Duo?" I think I hurt Quatre with my proclamation. I think he thought I wanted to get away from him.

"Hey, Qat, this isn't you, I swear it. It's me." Quatre's surprised look told me I hit his fears on the head. "And I wanted to tell you that Wufei's joined the Preventors."

"Really?" Quatre's eyes began to shine again. "That's wonderful! It would be perfect for him! I should give him a call..."

"Just don't tell him I told you," I warned. Quatre knew I sometimes went over to the Preventors HQ, though he thought it was to see Heero. Yeah... that's it. But maybe... a part of me did. That masochistic part of me that wanted to see him, to be with him...

The part of me that stupidly kept _wanting._

"All right. But Duo, you should call him, too."

"I'm separating myself, remember?" And Lord only knew what Wufei would do if I dared speak to him. I was too lowly a person for him. I guess... he and I were too different. I... didn't want to be. Of course, I didn't know who I even _was_, let alone who I wanted to be. But that was beside the point.

"Duo..."

I freaked out a little bit then, okay? I had a feeling Quatre was going to say something either way too close to the truth or something that would hurt me even more than I was already hurting right now. "Sorry, Quatre, but I gotta go. I _will_ keep in touch, okay?" And I signed the hell off before he could even respond.

All right, I'll admit that that was an extremely cowardly thing to do. But I couldn't help the sigh of relief or the feeling of hopeless abandonment that washed over me. Seriously, who else would I tell that I was going to go off alone? There was Quatre, then Hilde, then... no one. No one else really seemed to care all that much.

Yeah, happy little Duo Maxwell wasn't all he was cracked up to be, was he?

I went into the bedroom – dead black walls with random poems etched on them in bright red paint – and plopped face-first onto the red comforter. I needed a nap.

* * *

I told Hilde the same line I gave Quatre when I returned... she didn't react the same way he did. Surprise.

"You're _leaving!_" she cried out, aghast. "Why?"

"I told you," I said, my voice soft and apologetic. I was hurting her, too. Was it selfish to need to find myself when the two people who cared about me liked the false friend that they had? "I have to find myself, Hilde. I have to find myself, out there. Alone."

"But why!" she demanded. "I'm right here... with you. Why do you want to leave?" Hilde's eyes started to tear up.

"Oh, God, Hilde, don't cry," I pleaded.

"Duo, you are you. Why do you have to leave?"

"Because... that's just it, Hilde. Who am I? I don't know. I need to find myself... the me that survived the war, and is no longer the soldier."

She came forward and cupped my cheeks. "Duo, you are a brave man with so much... right here. You are the same person you were then. You-"

"I didn't know who I was then, either. I just never had the chance to find out." I looked into her eyes, trying to make her see what I was saying. "Hilde... you are my friend. You have watched me during these months. When have I seen who I am? When have I shown a personality? I am the same thing no matter what; the same person in every situation. I don't want that. I want more. I want... I want to find who I am, and I want to be that man."

Hilde opened her mouth to argue, but I pressed a finger to her lips. "Thank about it, Hilde. You know that what I say is true."

Those tears in her eyes shimmered, growing. But she did think about what I said. She got a small glimmer of understanding in her eyes. "You don't have to leave to find yourself, Duo. Stay here. Stay with me."

"I can't, Hilde," I said quietly. I wasn't going to get her to understand this decision. Not this part of it. "I have to go out there by myself, or else I'll just continue being who it's easiest for me to be... I'll continue being the person that makes others happy, and I'll never acknowledge that part of me that is _truly_ me. I'm sorry... I have to do this."

Turning away from her, leaving her standing there with her tears finally growing until they fell despite her efforts... was the hardest thing I'd had to do in a very long time.

"Duo, don't go!" she called to my back. I imagined her fists clenched, her tears falling down her cheeks unabashed. I felt shamed. "I love you!"

I stopped then, frozen. Oh God. No. I turned back to her, and her fists were clenched and her tears were burning wet on her cheeks. Her face was awash with desperation... that mask of pain and hope that I held inside my own heart. And, just as mine had been burned to ash... now I was to burn hers. I felt the weight of that knowledge drag at my soul.

"Oh, Hilde..." And she heard the rejection in my voice, and her face crumbled. I saw the agony enter her eyes and felt a part of myself slipping away. "I'm so sorry... I can't... I'm sorry..."

She said nothing, only watched me as I tore her heart to shreds, just as mine was torn.

"I'm so sorry... I didn't know," I breathed. "It's not you. You're... wonderful, and as a friend I think so highly of you... but I don't... I can't... oh Hilde..."

She finally couldn't take it anymore and broke her eyes away from me. I saw her fall to the ground and wanted to go to her... but how could I? I was the one to give her this pain... I couldn't help her now. "I'm so sorry," I said again, softly, hearing the pain in my own voice, hearing the thickness of my throat and my tongue etching themselves onto my words.

I left her there, crying out her anguish... her loss of something that was so dear... the loss of her soul.

Because of me.

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This is a Prologue only. There is more, let me assure you. 


	2. A Welcome Burden

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. Duh.

Sub Rosa

Chapter One: A Welcome Burden

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I had a lot of growing up to do after the war.

It was... painful. I had realized that, even if I decide to run and hide from others... I should never do so from myself. Granted, it was a necessity during the war, but it meant that I crashed and burned afterwards. There were things about myself that I had not accepted, things I hadn't wanted to know. I didn't want to think of all the orphans I made. I didn't want to think of all the people I had killed while trying to save others.

Mostly, I didn't want to acknowledge how I had lost myself.

That's right. Somewhere beneath all the jokes and smiles and evasions... I had lost myself. Completely. I'd done it so well, in fact, that I hadn't even realized I was doing it. And I had, at least in part, become Shinigami.

It was difficult, while staying with Hilde, to realize that I was holding on to her when I should have been trying to find my own way. I had begun relying on having others near me, and I was weighing not only them down, but also myself.

It had been difficult explaining this to Hilde, who I thought of as a sister and who I very much cared for. That was when she hit me with a new blow: she loved me. Or at least she thought she did.

How was I, a street rat, a nobody, supposed to respond to that? I told her I cared for her, but not like that. I told her I needed to get out there, on my own. I hurt her.

It took me two weeks with the Sweepers to notice I was not only sticking with a pack despite my own resolve, but that I had become completely obsessed with other people's happiness. I wanted everyone to be laughing and smiling. I wanted to make them happy. But, in the end, it was only for myself that I helped them. You see, I wanted to continue hiding, and it was easier when everyone was too busy laughing to be suspicious. And, worse, I wanted their happiness to try to infect me. I was the jester, but I was never happy. How twisted is that?

I did the only thing I could do... I ran. I ran from... everyone. I made myself a home in space. That's right – my job became something... odd. I couldn't quite let go of Shinigami. He was still a part of me, and until I could find my true self, I would be forced to live as a bounty hunter. A bounty hunter because I did practically everything – I captured thieves, murderers, escaped convicts, drug dealers. I did the behind-the-scenes work that the normal cops were either too chicken or too tied up in red tape to do. Shinigami was still hunting.

I also did some random "field" work. I salvaged, I P.I.'d like a good little detective. I had to take shit cases at first, domestic quarrels and such, but the name Duo Maxwell soon became a name to be recognized. This meant that I would get good cases, but every bad guy worth his salt knew my name. It made the job more difficult.

I kept finding myself not caring.

When I was alone on my spacecraft - "Death's Wing" - I began to think, to remember. I ended up downloading hundreds of songs in the effort to block out the memories, the fears. I remembered the screams I had once justified. The blood that I had stepped in, that my hands were forever stained with. I thought of Solo, and how I had vowed to not let there be others like him. Like me.

How many fathers had I killed? How many mothers?

Then I would turn my music up louder and search for a new mission. A new job. Fuck thinking.

The newest mission was one that interested me more because of the dangers than the money. I had been in an interestingly bad mood lately. I had tried to snap out of it, had thought about going to someone, maybe Quatre. That would have been a bad idea, so at least I didn't even call him. Not only was Quatre almost constantly with Trowa, but he had also taken over as head of the Winner Foundation. The last thing I needed was a long wait to hang out with someone for only a few minutes before being interrupted by someone.

Things had changed after the war. Many things. Trowa, quiet and reticent and the epitome of soldier, had been bothered one too many times by Quatre, who had visited at least once a week at the circus until Trowa had finally just kissed the poor blond. Quatre had almost fainted from shock... or, at least, that's what I had been told the next day over the Wing's comm. link. I had been out on a fairly boring job, since I had only been working as bounty hunter for a few months at the time. It had been a little over a year since the Maremaia incident, and I had yelped for joy over Quatre's happiness. The joy in Quatre's eyes had been...

I had congratulated him, celebrated over the link, and sat alone, not knowing what to feel, afterwards. I wanted to be overjoyed for Quatre. I wanted to be happy for Trowa and their relationship. I wanted to... but I couldn't. I felt like I was being selfish. I felt cruel. I felt... lonely. Terribly lonely.

Anyway... my new mission. I was to find a gang and eliminate them. A difficult job, one worthy only of the elite. Not to mention the pay. And I was also in an introspective mood, so I wanted to kick some ass.

I accepted the mission yesterday and had gotten the documents on the case. The police couldn't legally touch these guys, which made the job interesting for me... and, really, a necessity if there was going to be any stopping these guys. It was basically my job to catch whoever the cops couldn't. Even the Preventors were caught behind a myriad of legal red tape that I just plain didn't have to deal with. And in return for me bringing the little bastards into justice, the legals ignored my blatant disregard of the rules.

The police, of course, had absolutely no permission to do anything. This did not surprise me at all. They usually didn't.

So I briefly reread the reports and checked my position. Steady as ever, my faithful Wing took me out there, ready again for what could be our last ride.

* * *

Okay, let's get a few things straight. For the first few... look, during the war, during the fighting, I was almost always around _someone._ Heero, Quatre... anyone. Afterwards, I kept in touch with the Gundam pilots all the time. Quatre and I were close. Trowa and I... we found out about each other. I respected him, especially when I saw how much he meant to Quatre. Wufei was still as aloof as ever, so he and I were never close, despite the awe, admiration, and respect I had for him. And Heero...

I always end up having to force my thoughts away from Heero.

He's so... close... to Relena. He falls over himself trying to help her. Well, okay, Yuy doesn't fall over shit, but you know what I mean. The man is in love with her. You can hear it when he speaks about her or looks at her or... well, it's obvious.

And it hurts.

Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid to fall for someone like him. I don't even have any damn clue how it happened. It just... did, and I have to deal with it. It made it painful to even see him. To think of him. That's why I tried so damn hard not to.

Quatre and I were still close, but not as much as we used to. He and I were like brothers during the war. He was a companion I would trust with my life, both my mortal body and my soul. I trusted all of the pilots to watch my back, but only Quatre...

Only Quatre ever knew how I felt about... him. And he was the one on whom I cried when finally, finally, I couldn't take the pain anymore. I sobbed like a baby in that damn safehouse, demanding why I had to love someone like Heero Yuy and trying to dissolve into my bitterness.

After that, I had locked the sorrow away and it was never seen or heard from again. And that was when I started realizing that I was leaning... that I was hiding. It hadn't truly hit me then – my subconscious wouldn't let it, I guess – but I realized it eventually. And then I left. I guess it was my fault that we grew distant... but it had to be done.

I was tired of being the person I was.

So... about the guys. I still keep in touch with Quatre, as I said, and of course I see Trowa sometimes, since he joined Quatre. But I hadn't seen Wufei or Heero since... since... Well, it's been three years since the end of Maremaia's little foray into the land of world domination. I guess I hadn't seen them since shortly after that. Three years.

Quatre talked about them frequently. He made a point of telling me a little bit about Heero every time we get in touch, even if it's just "Heero's doing well". I hate how I feed off of those reports. Apparently, all of the guys had gotten back together at some point.

My calls to Quatre have gotten very infrequent.

I can't help it. I had leaned and leaned... and when I left... it was like nothing had really changed for them. Quatre never said anything like "Wufei wanted to know..." or "Trowa's curious about..." It's... as if they didn't _want_ to know.

Don't be stupid – I know Quatre might not even be telling them I keep in touch with him. But... somehow, that seemed worse. Either way... the guys were fine without me. They didn't need me at all. They... had become friends... after I had left. Like they had been waiting or something.

Jesus, I was in a _really_ bitter, introspective, fuck-the-world mood, wasn't I? I needed this job. A good adrenaline rush would help me forget... for now. Until it was over, and I was left once again alone on my ship, staring at the words I had once painted on the walls in a fit of I-don't-know-what.

_Forgive these broken wings  
That cannot reach the sky;  
I wanted to take you there,  
But I cannot fly, so  
Soar, soar, my love,  
To the farest reaches of Paradise  
And forgive these broken wings of mine  
That demand I say good-bye._

And because of my nostalgic, altogether-fairly-masochistic nature, it has stayed there since. Damn poem.

That was something else that had shocked the hell out of me – the poetry that sometimes spat out of my hands or mouth when I wasn't looking. I was hardly a poet. My life was _not_ poetic. It was brutal. It was ugly. So where the hell did this shit come from?

Whatever. It was this sort of thing that stopped me, that grabbed me up and spit me out. How pathetic was it that I thought Heero was too strong, both in body and in spirit, to take notice of me? It said something about my psyche.

Damn this introspective mood. Damn it to hell.

All right. I had a few days to waste. That meant I was going to pass the time the normal way – reading, watching the on board television and farting around. No problems there – I'm used to the idea of being alone, after all. I was used to it long before I became a bounty hunter.

* * *

It was only a few short hours until I landed. I was already set up in my gear and prepared to go straight into the danger. Hey, it was my job – I had to be ready in case I had enemies waiting for me. That's the life of a bounty hunter for you – no downtime. I had called up scans of the surrounding area until I had the blueprints burned into my mind. I knew at least ten different ways to enter the hit building and, better, I knew about twenty different ways to get in there and get out without getting caught. Stealth always _was_ my forte, after all.

I waited until the hour mark before I strapped myself in. The colony was a small one, built just about a year before the war really kicked into high gear because of some radicals calling out some special mobile suits. I knew the layout of the colony like I knew my hand, knew all of the pathways like I knew how to braid my hair. It was integral that I know every single little thing of this place with the hit I was about to make. Some of these guys I was going after had been targets before. They'd gotten away mostly by sending others in to do their work. I got the higher ups, but I never got the leader.

This place was crawling with leaders.

I knew that this case was one handed to me by Commander Une herself, in person and everything. She and I had stayed in contact when I had first started out, and she was the one who handed good cases to me while I was still taking care of secret affair cases. She was the one who gave me this one, the one that she proclaimed could be the most dangerous high-profile case she had ever received. And she couldn't touch it. That pissed her off just enough to smile scarily at me when I accepted the case. That was one creepy lady.

If I successfully pulled this sucker off, a lot of shit would end. Bad guys everywhere would stop what they were doing, scared that what happened to those here could happen to them. This could be huge. If I failed... there would be others. If I could take out even just one of these guys...

That was me talking, of course, the me that I was starting to find. I didn't know what to think of that me. He seemed... sad. Really sad, and kind of self-deprecating. He was lonely. He was...

Well, I didn't know what all he was yet.

The Shinigami part of me laughed in the face of death and swore to kill them all. The jester in me just laughed and said 'what the hell, let's go for it!'

All parts of me knew that I had to just suck it up and do this bullshit. There was a chance that I was saving lives, that I might be stopping something huge. And, hey, wasn't I good at this 'impossible' stuff? Weren't we all? Humans, that is, not just Gundam pilots. We're all good at that whole 'impossible to possible' thing. Hell, I highly doubt that the first man ever thought that he would be able to travel through the stars... and here I was, slipping right through them and not thinking much about it.

Then I had to keep my thoughts focused. I got a call from the landing pad and gave the operator my name and the license of my ship. I was okayed for landing and slowly and carefully maneuvered my Wing over to my designated landing port. This was always an easier process than landing on Earth – there was no pressure out here trying to slam you into the ground. It was just a matter of aim and coordination. No problem whatsoever for someone who was taught to clean a gun with his eyes closed.

I immediately checked my docking space for any undue guests and waited patiently until the entire area was found to be secure. Being a bounty hunter of the caliber I am means only being free when in space, and even then you might find yourself on a collision course with a smart-ass enemy. Again with the not-really-caring statement.

But really? I think I only didn't care because... no one else seemed to. Over the years, Quatre stopped getting in touch with me. In fact, this year was halfway over and he'd only called once – a Happy Easter thing. That was it. And Hilde... she's avoided me since that day when I destroyed her hopes and left her heart crushed. That's only fair, I suppose. I left her crying there, unable to help her with her pain. I don't know how to rid oneself of that agony. She, too, would have to learn how to survive it.

So. The specs for the operation had told me where to go and who I was hitting. I suppose I should back up a bit – what I just said meant that I had been told where to go to kill who I needed to kill.

Wasn't that just it, though? I didn't want to fight anymore. I didn't want to kill anyone anymore. I wanted my war to be over. I wanted to find myself outside of all the damn fighting.

Goddammit. I was hiding again.

That thought almost knocked the wind out of me. Was it true? Was I still hiding? Even after all of this, all that I had been trying to attain... I was still fucking hiding. Goddammit.

Well, I thought sort of... suicidally... no time to think about it now. I had some shit to do.

I stepped out of my ship and made my way through the ten blocks to the hit mark... the place I was to kill the fuckers in. I checked the place over a thousand times on my computer, but that didn't mean a damn thing. There could still be a trap waiting to catch me.

Of course I had thought of that! I may act like an idiot, but I'm really not.

The place was huge. A big ass mansion among other big ass mansions. This one, unlike the others, had little turrets all over the damn place, like that Chartres Cathedral. Like the thing was going to be ripped from the ground and rocketed into space. It was massively large. My ship would be fucking dwarfed.

And I was going to blow the whole thing sky high. Without harming the other buildings.

No damn problem for someone who was taught to blow up mannequins without leaving a mark on the floor.

It took me roughly an hour to check the place out. The leaders were all in the house in various rooms, seeming to be waiting for the meeting to officially start. Waiting for that last man to show up. Jack Harlow, a main asshole that the Preventors had been trying to catch for a couple years, had yet to show his evilly-handsome face.

I waited another two hours, but the man didn't show up, and the men inside were getting restless. I saw some of them get together through my binoculars and knew my time was running out. Hopefully getting rid of these guys would be good enough. At least then the Preventors only had one man to try to catch.

The setup of the explosives was painfully easy. Granted, there was a shitload of surveillance that made the going slow and tedious, but hell if I was going to be stopped – me, a fucking ex-Gundam pilot. Bullshit.

So another hour saw everything set up perfectly. The men in the building had been gathering together last time I'd seen them – they were saying something about 'late' and 'bullshit' and 'not going to wait forever'. I got the gist and hurried the hell up. If they left, the plan was moot, Harlow or not.

So I got my ass out of the immediate vicinity and hit the detonator switch with Shinigami's grin plastered all over my face. The boom was obviously controlled (thank you _VERY_ much), but the explosion was still massive. I heard civilians screaming and dared another moment to be absolutely certain that the fire wouldn't be spreading nearly fast enough to beat the fire department. Then I got my ass out of the red zone. Wouldn't do to get caught, no sirree.

* * *

It took about two more hours to realize my mistake.

Jack Harlow, the fucking son of a bitch, had known. He'd known about the hit... and he wanted me to do it. He wanted me to take out the others. I completely wasted his competition. Now he could take over all of _their_ industries and make himself a huge fucking bundle of shit that could easily become a major, major problem.

Of course, I learned this when I saw the bastards sneaking around my goddamn ship.

And of course police were swarming around here, police that _didn't_ know I'd been fucking _hired_ by them. So it took me fifteen goddamn minutes to knock out the five men skulking around my ship. I trussed them up and threw them into my cargo bay, not wanting them in my spare room. The last thing I needed was to listen to them whine when they woke up.

Of course, I was supposed to leave a day from now, but helpful Commander Une had already seen the report and changed my departure time. It was thanks to that that I managed to make it out before the local law enforcement was able to question me.

Back in space, I allowed myself to rest for a short moment. My mission wasn't over. That Jack bastard had known somehow. He'd known I was gonna make the hit. He'd waited, specifically not notifying the others... he'd wanted me to take care of his problem _for_ him. Smart little bastard.

Of course, now _I_ was the target. He'd quickly learn that his little stooges were stopped. Then he'd send bigger guns... better enemies.

I grinned.

Finally. Finally, I would have a challenge that could take...

My life?

I stopped myself cold. Was that... what I wanted? The me that was me? Was I really that suicidal? No... no, I wasn't suicidal... it was more...

Hopelessness.

Hopeless. Where did that feeling come from? Where did this... emotion... come from? Was it... because of my love for... _him_? Was it because of how... alone I was?

Or was it that, still, despite everything... I still have no idea... of who the hell I am?

I shook my head. Worrying about it wasn't going to do anything. I had to _do_ something about it. But... what, exactly? A guy in my position couldn't make any friends. Even if I did have the time to stop somewhere and chat with people and get to know them... it was far too dangerous. For me and for them. I could lead me enemies – and I have a lot of them – straight to those I care about.

Maybe it was a good thing I didn't have anyone who fit that description. Maybe it was a good thing I was alone.

_And forgive these broken wings of mine..._

I snorted. What a retarded poem. Broken wings... as if I'd ever been an angel. No. The only angel I am is the Angel of Death.

But... I don't want to be Shinigami anymore. I want... to be me.

Well, I thought sadistically, after I killed my enemies, maybe I could be... me.

Hah. Right.

I turned on my music and slipped through the check-ups on my ship's condition and coordinates with experienced ease. I turned on my music because the silence was starting to get to me, as always. Then I sat back and allowed myself to... think.

So. So I'm hiding within Shinigami, who I seemed unable to completely release. I'm hiding... from myself, the real me who I want to find.

Is it impossible to find oneself?

No! I will not... I will not be lost forever. I will not feel hopeless forever! I will... I will find my way... through all of this... to myself. The real me, whether I am a person who wants to die or not. Whether I am tired... or worn... or bruised... if it's on my deathbed, I will find myself.

I snorted again at my fatalistic attitude. Hell, with Jack Harlow focusing himself on me... I might be dead. He was strong enough with his enemies around. Now that I'd helpfully blown them to smithereens...

I moved to my gallery and grabbed a quick drink. I kept the ship on zero-g. Things were just _so_ much easier that way.

My ship wasn't that big – maybe the size of a small rancher. Only more round and stuff. The galley was maybe the size of a dining room – not too shabby. I kept it well-stocked and everything – I wasn't the type to dump out on this stuff, after all. Food is good.

The only interesting bit, really, is the necessity of safe-guarding the edibles from the hazards of space. This meant drinking whatever out of bulbs and eating only certain foods that are carefully packaged. Food bulbs, only less liquid and more solid. And more tedious to make, making them more expensive. When worse came to worse, I ate military rations. They weren't the best shit in the universe, but they were cheap and edible and healthy.

The walls were a bright blue, but Ii wasn't any damn artist. The best I could do was to slap on white paint with some sponges. It was close enough for me. I did the whole walls that way, with the floor the same damn color. No "land" anywhere. Without any gravity, it was almost like flying.

Good enough for a street rat, anyway.

Of course, there were more poems on the walls – times when I lost control despite how hard I tried to squash those stupid poetic moments when something grabbed me and spit my soul on the walls. Always, always it was in red. Like blood, or just because that was always the first I seemed to grab?

Either way, I would end up with poems on the wall. They showed me facets of myself I didn't want to see, but they opened up holes in that gate through which the real me was placed. Poems of anger, of lost love, of sorrow so deep it seemed to be deeper than I would ever reach. Sorrow that I didn't even recognize until it was placed out there in bold red letters. The poems were like infections. Plagues.

I refused to read them this time, not in the mood to do that deep an analysis just then. I went to my cargo bay and checked on my little captives. None of them had awoken yet, but it was only a matter of time. There were a few days ahead of them. I would have to feed them. They weren't getting anything other than ration bars. And even that seemed too good for them.

I didn't look forward to giving them water and holding it for them. That didn't seem like a lot of fun... but it would be simpler than loosing their wrists and risking them fucking around with my ship.

Jack Harlow wouldn't wait long to try to take me down. Men were probably already being dispatched to meet up with me on Earth. I was very quickly going to be embroiled in a huge fucking problem. This had gotten way too damn personal.

Jack Harlow now wanted me dead.

Well, he wasn't the first, and he wouldn't be the last. I would make sure of that. There was no way I, a fucking ex-Gundam pilot, was going to be taken down by some hot-shot criminal. Even if the bastard rivaled Al Fucking Capone.

Al Capone, by the way, had died of syphilis. If he'd not contracted that disease, historians feared he would have been harder to catch. Then again, the bastard _was_ eventually caught. If Al Capone could be caught, fucking Jack Harlow could be caught.

I was tired of worrying about stupid Jack Harlow and his retarded goons after three hours of flight. I took a book and went to my room, going to sleep an hour or so afterwards.

* * *

I thought I should get one of these up. Ta-da. 


	3. Stricken

Disclaimer – Gundam Wing is not mine. Duh.

* * *

Sub Rosa

Chapter Two

* * *

Let's get this straight right off – training to be a gundam pilot was damn hard work. And even though I was picked up by Professor G a bit late in the game, I was still trained for years. Some people think that not being in a battle situation deadens the training. Maybe they're right; maybe I just hadn't been a civilian long enough to get to that point.

Nevertheless, my training was still as sharp as ever. I would sometimes react to the subtle change in my ship's sound or movement even before the alarm sounded. I would know where my target was in a room with me even though I consciously had no idea how I knew.

So I woke up at the same time my captives did.

Don't ask me how I knew. There may have been a sound, maybe a subtle change in my ship's vibration due to to their movements. I shouldn't be able to hear them. I shouldn't feel such tiny shifts. It didn't matter how, though, right?

I sighed, knowing that they would now be loud and irritating. They would try to threaten me by telling me that Jack Harlow was going to get me.

Jack Harlow would have to try damn hard.

I got up from my floating sleeping position and made my way to my galley, studiously ignoring all those damn poems on the walls. Not for the first time, I swore I was going to paint over the damn things.

I dumbly thought of the threat to my life now, thought of dying. It was pathetic how my chest seemed to lighten at the thought. I ignored the feeling and took it a little further. Would I get a funeral, or would my body just lay wherever it happened to fall? And if I did get a funeral, what would happen? Quatre would fund it, of course. He's such a good guy. And because Quatre would attend, Trowa would be there.

Would Hilde attend my last hurrah? Would she cry with loss or would she stare in triumph or hate? Would she attend in a black dress, and if not, why not?

What about Wufei? He and I had never been close. Would he go to my funeral, say some last words about the irritating Maxwell? Or would he ignore my death? Wufei was a man of honor – it was hard to guess what he would do.

But what about... Heero? What would he do?

Well, at least I'd be dead – no way to be upset about his decision. At that point, it wouldn't matter.

I blew my bangs out of my face and grabbed a couple more bulbs, then went to the cargo bay. I ignored my captives' screaming and squirted some water on their faces (an almost impossible feat). They shut up when I threatened to take the water away.

Once watered, they started right back up again. I made sure their binding were secure and left them. I would feed them when they shut up. See how long it took them to figure that one out.

The little hallway was filled with little poems, all of them blood-red. It was hard to ignore them in the "meadow" I had painstakingly created.

I returned to my galley and ate a ration bar, not in the mood to try anything else. The music washed over me. I hardly heard it, but it helped me to keep from concentrating on other things too much.

At least now I didn't really have time to think about Heero and the others and the exact probability of each of them showing up in a suit to the funeral made for a little ol' street rat.

The feeling of relief at dying was pushed safely out of mind.

I had turned on my rock music, the music that was almost impossible to understand. Some of my music was very... personal in its lyrics. I couldn't stand to listen to that right now.

So I listened to those voices long dead screaming something about "you" and "cold" and ignored the flash of cobalt that entered my head.

Checking my coordinates was easy, readying a message fir Une a bit more complicated. Admitting to being a target of one of your targets is just bloody humiliating. Then I set a scan to notify me of an incoming... something within ten mile. Yes, ten miles. My Wing is just fucking awesome like that.

Besides, in space... ten miles isn't really all that much.

I had a few files on our dear Mr. Jack Harlow, and I brought them up to look at them closer. Mr. Jack Harlow wasn't terribly bad-looking, for a motherfucker. He was in his early thirties – my files differed on either 31 or 32 – with short-cropped dark brown hair and dark eyes. The picture I had of him had him in a gray tuxedo. And a smile.

A nice smile, too, for a motherfucker.

I read a long, disturbing list of all the things the Preventers knew he was doing and couldn't do anything about. Murders, weapon engineering, arms development. What use were the Justice Departments if they couldn't deliver justice? Too bad for everyone, too, that I had just helped this bastard. The thought made me vaguely sick.

Reading this file only served to tell me how much I had to lose by not completing this mission. I added a little footnote on my letter to Une telling her that I would continue the mission. I wouldn't accept money until it was done. Once and for all.

Besides, if Jack Harlow was so stupid as to send those losers in my cargo bay after me, he didn't stand a chance. That almost irritated me.

That done, I closed my eyes and let my body relax. Time to look at things that I didn't want to see.

Where to start? Since I was probably going to be dead soon, I had to fight harder to see what I didn't want to see. Not just the good things, but also the bad things.

The one that was constantly slapping me in the face was the desire to die. I hadn't truly thought I would feel such a way, but obviously I did. The question was: when did it start? And even more importantly: why?

There were probably a lot of reasons, if I looked for them. Heero. The estrangement from the guys, starting long before I decided to leave. Hilde. Gods, I should be looking even farther back than that, shouldn't I? Solo, the loss of all of my brothers and sisters, so much closer to me than any blood kin could ever be. Then Sister Helen and Father Maxwell and...

I found myself breathing heavily and tried to stop. And that brought up something else, something I'd been pushing aside because boys, especially boys who just happened to be bounty hunters, couldn't afford to have fears. But I was afraid – I was terrified – that I truly was Shinigami. That everyone I touched... everyone I got close to... died. I was scared for Quatre and Heero and the others. The Sweepers. Howard. Hilde. If I had stayed with them, would they still be alive? Wasn't it better for me to suffer than for everyone to die because of me?

I sighed, wishing finding myself meant finding someone... better... than who I was seeing. A suicidal coward. Pathetic.

But these past three years had shown me some good things. Maybe I wasn't as honorable as Wufei (hello? Pickpocket much?), but I still found myself being... truthful, though I often hid truths within other truths. Was that lying? Meh. People have done worse. I believed in justice, though I thought the judicial system was total bullshit. On the streets, you took care of your own. And you sure as hell didn't wait for the police to mete out justice. And we did just fine, thank you very much. And we didn't have to worry about courts. Only where to hide the bodies.

I wouldn't call myself righteous, but I saw what was right and what was wrong. Wufei, I think, had black and white on the brain, while I'm a more gray kind of guy. But there are lines a person crosses that I can't forgive.

Killing a priest, for example.

And I often visited orphanages, whenever I could. I gave most of my excess money to those kids. I couldn't really do much else – getting close to those kids would be far too dangerous for them. And, maybe, for me as well. Orphanages brought back memories. Some were good, but... they would always remain bittersweet.

But giving to orphanages... that was good, right?

And let's see... what else... oh yeah. I was loyal. Yup. That one had blindsided me one day while I was sitting in my galley thinking of the other gundam pilots. It had hit me so suddenly, in fact, that there was a poem on the walls commemorating it. I didn't have to look at it – I knew each word by heart. It was one of the hardest poems I'd ever written.

"You can trust me,"  
The snake told the Servant,  
"I will love you forever  
And protect you from pain."

And the angel, she trusted  
His words easily.  
And foolishly, this angel  
Gave the serpent full reign.

She opened her heart  
To the snake's waiting fangs,  
And when she was poisoned,  
It was by him she was stained.

And now this poor angel's  
A bitter, wilting thing,  
And the beauty once shining  
Is now dust in the wind.

I'd ended up naming the damn thing Poisoned Lies. Why not? But it showed just how loyal I was... how foolishly loyal I was. I just had to decide on whether that was something I wanted to work on or not. I figured I should start with the fear and the suicidal tendencies first. You know, the important ones.

So. Yeah. Other things about me. Let's see... well, I'm stubborn. I'm headstrong and rebellious. Taking orders rubs me. Being given a job, though, is something else entirely. I'll finish the job, and I'll finish it better than you wanted me to. I put that extra effort into my work that most people just shrug at. But I like loose parameters. Une had once tried to tell me how to take out an enemy. I'd done every single thing, even the tiniest detail, differently. And I'd still pulled the damn thing off with flying colors. And then I warned her that the next time she told me how to do something, I'd be tempted to leave the shit to her.

The crazy schizo had laughed.

And by the way, I know multiple personality isn't common for schizophrenics. Don't preach to me.

That's another thing about me. I'm smart. I act like a dunce, I understand that, but that's one good thing about being out here all alone all the time – there's no one to pretend for. I can be me... whoever I am... and not have to worry about what I look like to others or whether anyone sees through me.

And I guess that's another thing to look at. Why do I care so much about what others think of me? I don't mind if people think I'm an idiot. Stupid and harmless was a necessity during the war. I just... don't like others looking at me strangely. Like a freak.

And... worse... I hide, but I want to be found. I was hypocritical, selfish. And a part of me wanted to be a martyr.

Sick.

I jumped up when I stopped hearing vague sounds from my pathetic little captives and went to the galley to get them some food. Rations for them. No good food – hah. They were prisoners, not guests. I would be more than happy to drop their sorry asses off at Preventer HQ. Damn but they were annoying.

They seemed to get that whining wasn't going to win them into my good graces. I was granted a reprieve from their fussing the rest of the time until I went to sleep.

As dreams went, the one I had wasn't spectacular. It was a rerun. I hate those.

I was in a dark hallway, one hallway of a million hallways I've infiltrated. I can feel the rush, the kick of adrenaline in me. It's such a powerful feeling. When I was younger, I had thought it akin to invincibility. The feeling that no one could touch you. That you were lightning without the raucous, stumbling impediment of thunder, fluid and dangerous.

I moved with that assurance, that knowledge that I was faster, better than my enemy. That I would win.

The hallway had doors on each side and seemed to last forever. A dream hallway. I ignored the doors, knowing instinctively that who I searched for was not to be found in those rooms. No. He was further down, waiting for me. Waiting for Shinigami. I was arrogant enough to think he was waiting for death. I wanted to taunt him, to call out to him – do you know who I am? Do you fear my face? But I stayed silent, moving with coy, slinking grace, as the fox when he corners the hens in their pen. Licking his chops and wondering curiously who he will eat.

Curious. Not afraid. Too assured of his victory to be afraid.

Then, as only a dream can do, he was in front of me. My prey. The man I was to kill.

Suddenly emotions flooded in, the emotions I always feel around this man. The emotions I had quickly learned to hide.

Love. Fear. Pain. Hurt. Hopelessness. And the willingness to accept all that pain.

Heero.

He's in front of me, his eyes dead cold. A gun was in his hand. It didn't shake. He didn't hesitate.

He never did.

My eyes snapped open with the sound of the gunshot still echoing in my ears. But this time it wasn't a gunshot – it was an alarm.

I cursed resoundly and got to my cockpit as quickly as I could – which was damn quick. The screens were blazing red. I shut off the alarm and quickly scanned the screen. Shit. An incoming ship. It was unregistered. I brought it up on my screens and hissed. It had weapons.

I sat in my seat and snapped the gravity on. I would need to have my balance. I heard yelps from my cargo bay and knew my captives didn't appreciate the landing. Like I cared.

I changed my music to music with an "I don't care" attitude and listened to Limp Bizkit scream about ripping people's heads off. I switched the controls to manual override and cursed again. The fucker was on me.

I did a crazy corkscrew, pumping out my fuel, just as twin beams shot out at my ship. I let my mind blank, let my hands and fingers move without thought. Thought would make me hesitate. I didn't have time to hesitate.

For one short, infinitesimal moment, I felt bad for my captives. They were gonna have bruises because of this.

I swerved a hard right, then immediately banked left. I put my thrusters through hell, jarring the ship with spurts and stops. I evaded every single beam with a skill I had gained years ago. Sweat fell into my eyes, poured down my neck. I found myself reaching for weapons controls that I didn't have.

The enemy ship was big, but not too big. Like one of those Ford trucks to a Chevrolet. Or a punch buggy. Not a tractor trailer, but still bigger.

And goddammit, it had weapons.

Killing the enemy would be difficult without weapons. I had a feeling the enemy knew that, as well.

We were out in the middle of nowhere, two ships fighting desperately. My only chance would be to escape, evade and get out of there to the point where he couldn't follow. But there was absolutely nothing out here to direct his attention – to hide me. Shit. Shit! If it were a suicide crashing mission, it would be easy shit. But the fucker had weapons!

Shit. Shit!

In the end, I realized without hope, it would all come down to who had more gas. And depending on where this guy came from... I was dead.

I gritted my teeth. "Not without trying, fuckers," I growled, and dodged the newest attack.

The ship, I noted, was completely black. Its outline was difficult to see, its shape hard to decipher. I doubted it was a model on the market. The market doesn't allow weapons.

Now, some people think it's easy to make ships do these amazing acrobatics out in the middle of space. Bullshit. Doing loop-de-loops and somersaults is practically impossible. The best a person can do is turn and use those thrusters to do the most insanely fast maneuvers ever made possible. This guy knew how impossible it was to loop the ship.

What he didn't know was what thrusters could do.

He was the average good spacer – he could turn, he could chase. And, like any good soldier, he knew how to fire his weapons.

But he couldn't maneuver like I could.

Back during the war, we gundam pilots shocked the fuck out of the military by swerving around their missiles. There were a hell of a lot more missiles then than now. This, comparatively, was easy shit to dodge.

But it used up gas. And I had no where to run. Suicide was out of the option – I may be suicidal, but I'm not gonna try it. No way. Besides, with my luck, he'd live, anyway.

So my job was to use my thrusters to get me as far away from the fucker as possible and hope for two things: one, that no other ship would unfortunately plunge into our battle, and two, that the motherfucker would give up and go away.

The first never happened. The second took an hour of evasion dancing. My fuel had been starting to get critically low, to the point where I was in serious danger of not making it back to Earth. The thought of being stranded out in space was not a comforting one.

But the bastard finally left.

I waited to make sure he didn't pull anything fancy before heading to Earth. I didn't have the gas or the weaponry to successfully chase him, and honestly? Now that he was leaving, the adrenaline was starting to fade. I was just content for it to be over.

I set my course back on track and settled back in my seat for a few moments. Thank God and little baby cherubs that that was over.

I reflected on what might have made him leave. Anyone with a brain knows that energy is used up for the weapons. Maybe the ship hadn't been properly formatted to the weapons. The energy shouldn't have been sucked up that quickly. But if that were the case... that meant that, though they were working up weapons, they didn't quite know how to use them.

Or, more likely, the fucker just realized that he wasn't gonna fucking hit me.

I made Godsmack stop talking about how much he fucking hated someone and turned my music to some happier stuff. Fluff music – Cascada or Superchick or Trapt. Linkin Park. Billy Joel. He was the one singing now – Billy Joel. Singing about how it was still rock and roll to him. I sang along for a moment, my eyes closed. Then I went to check on my poor, bruised passengers.

They weren't happy, of course, and remained so despite the fact that I'd returned the ship to zero-g. Or maybe they didn't like the fact that I had turned the ship back to zero-g. I guess the fall didn't make them too thrilled.

Of course, when they found out that their boss hadn't given a rat's ass about their lives, they were shocked and outraged. Whatever measly information these men had, I could almost guarantee that they would give it to the Preventers. Ah. You gotta love the need for revenge.

I went back to the galley and fixed myself a quick drink. With my luck, the guy would be coming back with reinforcements. It would be a miracle to make it to my port on Earth safely – and make it to Une's without meeting at least twenty men after my ass. I considered my increasingly obvious mortality. That funeral was looking... definite.

I fed my sulking captives and introduced them to a portable potty. They weren't thrilled with that, but I had to pick the thing up and toss it into the shoot, so I had no fucking clue why_they_ were complaining.

My course would leave me only a few extra gallons of gas – not enough to spit with, here in space. If I was attacked again... well, nothing to do about it now.

Too tense and wired for sleep, I could only look at my files of Jack Harlow again and sing along with Ricky Martin about living the crazy life. I didn't think about the lyrics and I ignored the words on the wall.

My half-hour warning came in so suddenly that I jumped. I was so shocked to not be attacked again that I just sat there in my galley for another two minutes before getting my ass up. I had no doubt about what this meant – that man, Harlow, had men waiting for me at the port. I spared a second to curse, then got my captives, trussed them up separately, and slammed them into the other seats in my cockpit. I only had six seats altogether, more than some but just barely enough nonetheless. I warned one smart-mouthed motherfucker to be happy he was getting in that seat at all. I also left his harness just that tiny bit loose. See if I cared.

I switched my music again, knowing what the ports expected of me – blaring rock music that pissed everyone in the near (and far) vicinity off. I settled on Trivium's "Blinding Tears Will Crack the Skies" and settled myself in.

I'm not going to say entering Earth's atmosphere is easy shit, but I won't say that it's too terribly difficult, either. I heard astronauts could do it back in A.D. If _they_ could do it, almost anyone could.

With that said, I'll also add that I can do it practically with my eyes closed. Some people think I have a hard time with it. And yeah, I sweat – re-entry is hot – and I have to concentrate like hell because of all the variables in landing on Earth... but it really isn't difficult. I almost messed up this time, though, because of my worry about having enemies camped out. I almost scratched my poor Wing's paint. My scans were already waiting to check the perimeter and blinked on even as I finished my landing. Thank you, O gods of wireless electronics. I heard that long ago people had to use wires for everything. I can't even imagine how inconvenient that must have been.

I logged myself in to the port, knowing the proper protocol demanded prompt time, then unstrapped myself and grabbed a pistol and semi from my secret stash in my room. My captives stewed on my seats for a while as I put on a Kevlar vest and basically got ready for battle.

I returned to find my screens coming up with only one person. Jack Harlow himself? He wouldn't make things that bloody simple, would he?

I was shocked as hell to find that the mystery man wasn't a man at all, but a woman. And a woman I knew pretty well.

"Well, well, well, boys," I murmured with a grin. "Looks like the head of the Preventers came all this way, just to meet you. Aren't you special?"

The men were silent, but the change in the air around me told me everything I needed to know. I chuckled darkly and left them in their seats. "Now, now," I warned them all, my Shinigami smile neatly in place, "don't try to run. It would probably hurt when I shot your legs." I flicked the semi hanging off my shoulder before releasing the hatch for my exit.

I was still extra cautious as I made my way to Une, though I didn't think she'd be out here unless all the men had been taken care of. I disliked getting assistance from those paying me. It made me feel like I wasn't earning the money.

Une only raised an eyebrow at my obviously battle-ready attire. "I see you already know what had happened."

I grinned rakishly at her. "Yup. I have a pretty little message waiting to be sent to you on my ship. Want me to send it to you?"

The woman only shook her head, seemingly used to my antics now. "Not necessary. I have a more important message for you."

Her tone implied that it was a message I'd rather not receive. "Oh?" I questioned, keeping my voice light.

"Jack Harlow, as you know, already organized all of this. We fell into his trap."

"I did," I said smoothly as she motioned four men closer, apparently to make a last sweep of the grounds. I told her about my captives and she sent two to retrieve them. When they were gone, I continued. "I accepted the mission, and therefore took responsibility for getting it completed properly."

Une merely moved me forward toward a waiting car. We were silent until we were inside and the window between the front and back seats was up. "That doesn't matter," Une snapped, apparently not wanting to argue the detail, despite how she seemed to not agree with me. "What matters is that Harlow has now decided that you are his most important target."

"I noticed," I said dryly. I gained a sharp glare for that remark.

"You are too important to lose," she added, and that managed to shut me up. She smirked, but I was too shocked to respond. "Because of your importance, you have now become our number one priority. We need to protect you and get rid of Jack Harlow. Now that he has targeted a civilian," she said that last word as dryly as I had said my earlier comment, "who has given a statement," she gave me a look that said I had better agree with that, "we can go after him."

"Yeah, here's a statement for you – the bastard sent a ship with beams after me."

She stared at me for a short while before nodding her head. "That'll do."

I wasn't happy about this. "But I don't need your help. I'll complete the mission on my-"

"I've already put two of my best men on this case," she told me, as if I hadn't spoken a fucking word. "They will accompany you and assist you in the full completion of your mission." She glared at me when I began to protest again. "I won't lose you to ego. I understand your precious manhood's at stake, but this is bigger than you."

Well, the first part pissed me off, but I couldn't argue with the second. So I sat and fumed for a minute or five.

"Your men will most likely get in my way," I told her irritably, thinking of having to deal with two bumbling idiots who would be squeamish about entering sewers or grates. Maybe someone claustrophobic. Or someone afraid of spiders. Gods forbid.

Une suddenly had one of those creepy "I-am-an-insane-woman-so-don't-even-fucking-think-about-messing-with-me" looks on her face. It was a mix of a sneer, a smirk, and a smile. I watched her warily but didn't say another word.

We were taken up to the very front of Preventer's Headquarters, a massively huge building that would intimidate the lesser baddies into going straight. Three men were there to guard Une as she exited the car, two more to flank me, ready to protect or deflect as necessary. I glared at them and managed to get one to back off and one to move closer. Une seemed to find that terribly amusing.

I was led through a side entrance – I never let myself go in through the front – and up Une's private elevator (good God the money us poor tax payers were putting into this place) to her private office. I wondered if she were an executive hermit and tried to imagine her in a cabin up in the hills. The picture didn't suit her at all.

She sat behind that desk with more authority than any president of that United States country that used to exist. And some of those men were said to be pretty fucking arrogant. That was an authority that a hermit just didn't fucking have.

She looked at me as I took my regular place by the door, leaning against the wall with my arms lightly crossed. "Strike," she said, referring to my code name, my hunter name, "you know as well as I do that Harlow must be stopped." I said nothing, only kept my eyes on her. She hadn't needed to say that to me.

She continued, knowing that I wanted her to get to the point. "Whether you want to do this alone or not, we can't afford to have you go out there and fail."

Funny, I thought silently, since that was one of my plans.

"The two men I've put on this case are my absolute best. They won't get in your way, and they're a necessary asset to this. You'll need to work together to kill Harlow – which is the mission." I felt a quick surge of relief. "Of course, if you can take him alive, that would be great, but right now the main goal is to just get rid of him." In other words, think before you fire. I sighed.

"I understand," I said, the words thick on my tongue and hard to get out. Damn but I hated the idea of working with other people. I had a momentary twinge of fear that I would rely on them. "I'll work with them." And hopefully wouldn't end up on the outside like I am with...

I got a sick feeling just as Une smiled at me and picked up the phone on her desk. "Let them up."

I stared at her with blank eyes as my chest tightened. She said they were her absolute best. Her best. She wouldn't stick me with-

I heard their voices, low but still distinct, as they walked down the short hall to Une's office. I stiffened. I know Une saw my sudden tensing, knew her eyes went thoughtful, but I couldn't care enough for that right now.

I watched the knob twist, watched the door open as if the true God of Death were about to enter, were about to come for me to take me to hell.

"I'm certain he is honorable, Yuy," Wufei was saying when that door swung in. He was the first to step in. He was taller, leaner, even more sinewy. His hair was still back in that severe ponytail, his cheekbones still sharp, his eyes still coal black. But those eyes weren't as sharp or cold, and there was a small smile on his lips. He'd mellowed, if just a bit.

Then came him... Heero. My blood drained from my face as I saw him again for the first time in so long. He was taller, as well. He and Wufei were about the same height, which just had to be a few inches taller than me. He, too, was lean and honed, his face a bit sharper. More adult. His eyes were still that shockingly dark blue, but they, too, were warmer. There was an emotion in them, like distrust and worry together, a shock to see after so long without having many emotions in those eyes at all. His hair was still a wild mess, still fell into his eyes. They both wore black outfits with the Preventor insignia on them.

They had changed... but they were still so very much the same.

They both saw me at the same time and froze in shock. The door slammed behind them. I might have flinched.

None of us moved, staring at what might as well have been ghosts or figments. Their eyes were wide. They didn't move for the longest time. I was too shocked, too scared, to think of anything witty or stupid to say, something dumb that they expected of me. Of the me that wasn't me. But I could say nothing.

Finally, it was Wufei who broke off from his frozen pose, who took a cautious step forward, as if drawn to a Siren or Seductress. His hand reached out like he wanted to touch, but paused in midair as if expecting his touch would make me disappear. "Maxwell?" he breathed, a curse, a plea. His eyes showed what I couldn't believe – hope, wonder. Maybe even joy. "Is that... you?" Then, a split second later, with confusion lacing his features, "are you... Black Strike?"

* * *

Talk about not updating… I am SOOOOO sorry… 


	4. Darkness

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. Duh.

Sub Rosa

Chapter 3

Darkness

* * *

I didn't say anything. I couldn't. This was worse than Jack Harlow coming after me. Infinitely worse. Une had just set me up with the worst team she could have ever come up with.

"Maxwell?" Wufei repeated, his voice... odd. I couldn't place it in my repertoire of Wufei Emotions – of course, the list was short. But usually I could sense a similarity, if nothing else – irritation, anger, exasperation. This sounded... hopeful? Confused? Sad? Melancholy? Distraught? Maybe he had a cold.

Une cleared her throat. Wufei and Heero jumped, but I turned gratefully to her. Get their fucking attention off of me. "Boys," she said, and her tone was dry, "this is Black Strike, the man you are to protect. You will go with him to assist in the elimination of one Jack Harlow. Strike has the files."

Yes, I had the files. They were bloody fucking useless.

"I am leaving Yuy in charge, with Strike acting as his second. Chang, you will continue to be Yuy's partner, as always. However... both of you may have to take orders from Strike at times. You're leaving on his ship."

I had swallowed the groan at the notice of Yuy being in charge – fuck, I had to talk to him now – but I couldn't help the wince at the thought of them on-board my ship... able to read those goddamn poems. I knew I should've painted over them.

I ignored the look Yuy and Chang sent me.

"Get moving. I'm not paying you to stand around." Une waved her hand in dismissal.

My back stiffened. They would talk to me. Fuck, I was stuck with them for an unknown period of time in a tiny ship... with two bedrooms. Bullshit was I sharing a room with them. I kept my ship on zero-g – an extra pillow and blanket and they would survive just fine.

Their eyes would be on me... on my poems. They might ask questions. Why? Where? What?

Well... maybe this was a test. I would try to fight my old mask... the me they thought they knew. No use in pretending... they hated me anyway.

It was with trepidation that I left Une's office with Heero and Wufei. Wufei still had that dazed, what-the-hell look, that strangely hopeful and confused look. Heero... could anyone tell a difference in Heero's face? Ice-cold and hard. For a fleeting moment, I had thought I'd seen surprise on his face. Naïve of me. I had merely seen an echo of Wufei's expression on his. A mirage. Heero was frozen.

Wufei turned to me and opened his mouth with his face still... weird. So I beat him to the punch.

"Are you packed and ready to set out or do you need a couple of hours to get everything?"

Heero glared while Wufei shook his head. "We're ready. But Maxwell-"

"Good. Then we'll get moving. We'll have to move fast – if you're with me, you're targets, as well."

"You've been targeted already?" Heero asked. Monotone. Not a hint of concern.

"I'll brief you once we get to my ship," I said caustically. I turned my back on them and made my way to the elevator.

* * *

We weren't attacked. I was almost disappointed – one last chance to not have to deal with this and I missed it. I wondered if I would have just stood there and waited for a bullet to hit. But then my imagination started flying, seeing Heero jump out to save me... my heart tore from within me, a pain even sharper than that which I usually felt when thinking about him. It was worse now – I knew what he looked like. I... could smell him.

His scent hadn't changed.

My ship was locked tight, but I made a sweep of the surrounding area to be sure. I made Heero and Wufei stand outside the ship while I searched, which garnered another glare and an even weirder look from Wufei. I heard them begin murmuring unintelligibly as soon as the door closed behind me.

The search proved the place clean. I said nothing to them as I led them aboard, so they weren't warned about the colors... or the blood-red words.

Wufei made a slightly shocked noise as he walked in. "I expected the place to be more... austere."

"People paint their houses. I paint my ship. Most do." My answers, though not as short as Heero could make them, were nonetheless clipped. I didn't want to talk to these men. I didn't want to hear the censure they always sent toward me. I didn't want to deal with it.

Fighting alone had been better. At least then I would only have to fight the cold silence of the ship.

Wufei gently touched the grass of my little meadow, then looked two feet across. He gasped again, then moved down to reverently touch the small poem, blood-red, staining the tips of the awkward blades of grass.

_If only, if only_

_We knew what was holy_

_Keep fighting, keep fighting_

_All people die lonely_

"Heero..." Wufei whispered, his voice a different tone. Still completely odd coming from him. Heero moved past me and stood by Wufei's side.

I ignored the two of them and moved to the cockpit. I didn't have to see them there yet, didn't have to think about them seeing anymore of my poems, which they were likely to start sniffing out. Damn poems. Damn mission. Damn Jack Harlow.

Oh yes. Damn Jack Harlow to a bloody fucking Hell.

I grinned. I would make sure to do just that.

I sat in my pilot's chair and buckled myself in, glad to not have to do it for anyone again. Then I got my Wing ready for launch.

I felt it when Heero and Wufei entered the room, just before I was going to have to call them in. Wufei immediately took a seat behind me – bad enough – but Heero moved to sit in the co-pilot's seat. I turned to look at him then.

"No one sits there." My eyes and voice were both blank, as they had to be to speak to Heero. When Heero lifted his gaze and our eyes met... I ended up wearing a mask, anyway, just to try to hide the sorrow that grew inside me. But it was the eyes of Shinigami that stared at Heero. "Ever." I ignored the fact that I'd had to put one of my captives in that seat. To me, that hardly counted.

Heero gave me a measuring stare, but went in the back and buckled up there. Thank God. I ignored the fact that I could feel silent communication going on behind me. I had a feeling I was going to have to get used to that.

One of the launchers came on my comm. link then. With a stalwart attitude, I okayed my ship and prepared for take-off.

"Make sure you're fastened safely and keep yourself relaxed," I said to my passengers despite the fact that I knew they knew damn well how to sit through launch. I thought I heard Heero snort. "It's fucking regulation," I snapped, though I figured they knew that, too.

Then I blanked them both from my mind and got my Wing ready for the countdown. It was all basic, but Earth was a bit harder to manage. It was a beauty of the colonies I actually appreciated – no gravitational pull, no unknown changes at the last second. Earth had a lot of those because it wasn't man-made.

Then we were going up, and it was time to adjust the thrusters and maneuver Wing in the direction we wanted to go. When we were up, I steadied the ship, lowered thrusters, and set up the course. I was going to L2, where Harlow had apparently started his operations.

I wished I was going there alone.

Heero and Wufei got up the minute they could. Without being asked, I began opening the file up for them. "This is Harlow's file. We're headed to L2."

"Harlow started there, didn't he?" Wufei asked, but his question didn't really sound like a question.

"Yeah." Heero moved closer to me to look over my shoulder. I got up and maneuvered around the chairs. The exit, I thought with hope, was only a few feet away.

Wufei snorted. "They all crack out of that damn colony."

I flinched.

I escaped from the room just as I heard Wufei grunt and belatedly exclaim, "oh...!" Heero, of all people, apparently remembered where I was from and reminded Wufei.

I went to my galley, with its endless blue skies. Had they come in here already? Had they seen? Belatedly, I turned on zero-g, realizing that I wasn't as free as I usually was. But even that didn't take away the weight that was now on my shoulders. Everything was crashing around me. Even if I survived this, even if I succeeded, I would have to stop being a bounty hunter. They knew me now. Those who I was trying to avoid. Besides... I was hiding. My fists clenched at the thought. Yes. That was right. I was still hiding, still turning my back on the real me. Maybe my efforts were useless. Maybe I would never find the real me.

No! Bullshit. I wasn't going to give up now. No way. I've come too far to stop now.

I added stubborn to my list of personality traits and smiled. I liked that one.

I looked over my galley's walls, the blood-red lines on them. No doubt they would all be read by those two. They were Preventors, after all. Their job was to snoop around – within the boundaries of the law. And since I technically invited them onto my ship...

I sighed. This was going to be Hell in a trashcan.

Might as well buck up, I thought, then grabbed a bulb and sailed over to the table. I was in the mood for shit food, so I grabbed a ration bar. Fancy shit was out for today. The thought alone made me vaguely sick. Add worrywart to that list, I thought, and cringed at that. I didn't like that one.

Heero and Wufei came in a few minutes later, the file apparently read. They were silent as they came in, though Wufei immediately gasped at the amount of poems on the walls. Apparently they hadn't been in here, after all. Wufei sailed to the closest poem while Heero went straight to the refrigerator. He looked inside and lifted an eyebrow.

"No beer?"

I wanted to snap at him and his sardonic attitude. He made it sound like I should hoard beer, the drunkard that I am.

"I don't drink."

That seemed to shock both of them. "Not at all?" Wufei asked, his reading temporarily forgotten.

"No." My voice was getting more and more clipped. My tone said it was none of their fucking business as to why, but of course they never really paid attention to me.

"Why?" Heero sounded... so fucking sarcastic.

I wanted to snarl at him. I wanted to say something biting, like, "I keep my drinking for when I'm with my whores," or maybe, "I'm Duo and I've been alcohol-free for three days," or something equally cynical. Instead I kept my mouth closed and only grunted. See how he liked a taste of his own fucking medicine. Ah. Cruel irony. Gotta love it.

Wufei decided to change the subject. "Duo, what are these?" He pointed to the poems on the walls.

I, in turn, gave him a look as if to say he had something medically wrong with him. "They're poems," I said slowly. Thanks for turning the direction somewhere I don't want to go, I thought snidely.

Wufei sighed. Heero, ever the asshole, growled. Like it was either of their business, I thought. Inwardly, I realized that the thought of them knowing anything about me... was absolutely terrifying. I didn't want them to know anything about me. They hated the fake me enough... how would I cope if the two people I respected the most... hated the real me?

Sensitive, I added to that list, and winced in my head. That one sounded... girly.

"Maxwell," Wufei said slowly, as if speaking to a small child, "I meant, what do these poems-"

In a spurt of terror, I snapped, "Are we going to talk about beer and poems this entire trip?"

Wufei looked surprised. I didn't bother to look to see what Heero looked like. "No. But we have enough time to ask a few questions."

"Like where you've been," Heero decided to add.

I tensed. "Obviously I've been around." I waved my arm to indicate the galley and the ship at large. "You've known the basics of where I've been, now haven't you?"

"Why?" Wufei asked, a smarter question but one I still didn't want to answer.

"What about you?" I argued, then dropped the subject. "Do you want to be briefed or not?" Not that I wanted to tell them a damn thing, but if we kept this up then the questions would only get more and more personal.

They both just stared at me. I took that as a yes.

So I told them about the mission specs and what happened at the site. I expected some smart-ass comment about how I should have seen the trap laid out for me, but there were surprisingly no insults. I decided to wait until after the briefing was over. Wufei hissed when I told them about the men around my ship that I took care of.

"Une should interrogate them," Heero said then. "We should get a message about what they said when we land."

I snorted. "You mean whatever information your legal system can get," I smirked. "I already got all the information they can give us."

Both looked unhappy about that. I ignored that, as well. "They didn't know much, just that they were promised a position in the Order of Apocalypse if they killed me." A glare from Wufei that I couldn't shrug off on the inside. "As for the Order of Apocalypse... they said it would be the next generation, the next world, and the revolution. A promise for eternal justice and recognition. And of course, the one who would take them into this revolution is none other than Harlow.

"Their 'revolution' wouldn't bother me in the least if it weren't for the weapons they have."

"They do have them, then?" Wufei asked. Judicial systems. I hated them.

"At least the basics," I confirmed.

"The men?" Heero guessed.

"No. The ship. The men were only equipped with old-time pistols and automatics. Still illegal, I suppose, but not that big a deal. I'm more concerned with the lasers they've put on their ships." My own ship, by the way, was scanning the area around it at all times. I had a feeling it would be doing that for a while.

"Lasers?" Wufei gasped in alarm. "You were chased by a ship equipped with laser cannons?"

"Yes." I glared at him. "Is that enough proof?"

Wufei looked shocked at my reaction. I suppose it i would /i be construed as odd; I usually smiled in front of them no matter what. Well, that was going to change. I wasn't going to use that mask in front of them. I'd had enough of trying to get them to be close to me. Now I would push them away. Now they would know how it felt. If they even cared.

"Yes. That would be enough." Heero's voice was as empty as ever. Cold and calculating. I felt my heart twist. Why did I care so much what this man thought? He'd been nothing but cruel to me since I'd met him. So why...

Why did I fall in love with _him?_

"Good," I said. Then I stood. "I'll let you two do whatever legal shit you have to do. I'm off to bed." I moved to leave, then turned back. "You're room is the second on the right from here. There's only one bed, but we're in zero-g. Just pick a blanket." Then I left the galley.

"Duo!" Wufei came out after me. I had to stop; it would be a bad idea to look churlish, even if I was acting in such a way. I turned to him and was struck again by the emotions I thought I saw in his eyes. "Duo," Wufei started.

"Is this personal?" I asked, hating how dead my voice sounded. I hated how I automatically hid whenever I was around someone. Wasn't that _exactly_ why I had decided to get away from people?

Wufei hesitated. "Yes."

"Then I don't want to hear it." I turned to leave again.

"Duo, wait!" Wufei grabbed my arm. I twisted him off with a quick jerk and turned on him.

"Don't ever touch me again, you son of a bitch!"

I turned at his stunned face and rushed into my room. I couldn't close the door fast enough.

* * *

I wasn't surprised to be awakened by the alarm.

I rushed to my pilot's seat and shouted. "Get in here!" I hadn't needed to; both were coming in. Two ships were coming this time; a greater challenge. "Fuck," I whispered.

"Who is it?" Heero asked as he strapped himself in. Wufei was right beside him, doing the same.

"Two enemies," I told him, then snapped, "shut up!" when he seemed ready to speak again.

"You need a co-pilot," Heero continued stubbornly.

"No," I snapped. Then sent the ship into a twist as the first ship fired. I heard Heero grunt; apparently he'd been about to defy my orders. I smirked. Served him right.

The second fired as I twisted; I had to keep turning my ship. My Wing groaned under the strain. "Come on, baby," I coaxed. She leveled and shot forward, straight toward the enemies. I had to do this perfectly. Perfectly. No fucking problem. Shinigami in overload. In a fit of fuck-all, I turned on my battle music. Godsmack immediately blared from my speakers, shouting about how much he fucking hated someone. I grinned widely and sent my Wing into a corkscrew. "Hold on," I said belatedly. I imagined a chuckle from Wufei's direction.

They were aiming wildly now, trying to hit _anything_ instead of trying to shoot me down. They didn't want me close. I wondered if that other ship had made it back to their base. In any case, they're psychotic aim was just going to make this that much easier.

Dodging their cannons meant turning another corkscrew. Wing was a comparatively small ship, able to dodge quicker than those bulkier machines. It was the reason there were only two bedrooms, the reason I was able to move so quickly.

I yanked my Wing to the right, then dove it down. Or at least, whatever right and down or any fucking direction is out here in space. Their cannons were just a touch out of sync. I had to wait. Damn.

I flew behind them and twisted Wing around in a tight U-turn. I could've sworn I'd seen the tail of my ship.

They're cannons fired again and again, some already off. Those were tricky; I had to make sure I didn't fly into the fuckers.

But just when Disturbed came on to sing about his enemy, their cannons synced. "Yes," I whispered, and flew towards them. I twisted inside to lock closer to them as their beams lit to fire. My ship corkscrewed right between them, almost scraping the one on my left. They fired at the same time – at just the right time. I charged my Wing to get the hell out of there as fast as it could just as they blew each other up.

I let out a war whoop as I exited the scene, finally allowing myself to bounce to the lyrics. I patted the dash and whispered a thank you to my ship. Then I ran a scan on the perimeter. Only when I got a clear signal did I start relaxing. I switched the music to classical and listened to the Devil's Trill as it started its haunted melody. I unbuckled myself and shook my bangs out of my face.

And saw Heero making his way into the co-pilot's seat.

"Get the fuck away from that," I snapped. Dammit. I was tense again.

Heero's eyes were calculating as they stared at me. "Why does the thought of having someone in the co-pilot's seat disturb you so much?"

Let's review this real quick, shall we? I was tense already thanks to the fight. I was tired. I was tense from having them around. I was nervous. I was sad. And I was afraid. I knew all that. I also knew that I had the Shinigami mask on overdrive, not only to deal with them but to deal with the enemies I had just faced. So I reacted on pure instinct based on Shinigami, frustration, and fear.

"It's not the thought of having _someone_ in that seat. It's the thought of having _you_ in that seat."

I felt instantly like a total and complete shit.

I didn't take back the words, though; couldn't open myself like that. I stood then and allowed my body to float in zero-g, free from the straps. I didn't feel nearly as free as I usually did. "I'm going to the galley," I told the air, and made a hasty exit.

I made it there without anyone stopping me. I grabbed a bulb of water and closed my eyes as I sipped. What had I done? What... what was I doing now? I was being just as cruel to them as they had been to me. Sure I felt anger towards them, bitterness...

But doing the same... was that really the answer?

I sighed. I knew the answer to that. But going back... who could I be?

The answer to that was instant, as well: me. Just be me. Do what I want, be who I am.

Why was the thought of doing that so terrifying?

I threw the empty bulb into the incinerator. What did I know about myself? And though I could test what I knew out... were these two the ones I wanted to test it out on? I didn't think so. Not these two who's respect meant so much to me. If they rejected the real me...

I shivered. Best to think about this in the safety of my room.

I turned to leave and almost bumped into Wufei. I spun in the air to avoid him and caught the other side of the wall.

"Maxwell..." Wufei was looking at me with another one of those emotion-filled stares, full of concern and worry. I couldn't look at him. My gaze fell to the floor. I pushed off and sailed past him. "Wait! Maxwell..."

I didn't wait this time. I moved to my room and keyed in the password with fingers that wanted to shake. When the door finally started opening, I moved in and hit the button for it to close before it had even half-way opened.

Finally safe, at least for the moment, I sailed to my blanket and my pillow, grabbed them both and pulled them around me. I buried my face in my pillow, smelled my own scent. I hugged it to me and fought back the stinging feel of tears.


	5. Loading the Weapon

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. Duh.

**Warnings:**Cursing, Angst, and Obliviousness... yeah. It's rated M, people. I don't want ANY complaints...

* * *

Sub Rosa

Chapter Four: Loading the Weapon

* * *

This time my sleep was uninterrupted – a cause for concern more than relief. The extra time meant the enemy was preparing a new strategy. Bad.

I had a bathroom connected to my room; I took advantage. It's all quite different from Earth or colony bathrooms in mechanisms, but they look the same – more for comfort than necessity, I suppose. There was no way a toilet on Earth would work the same in space. It was hilarious to think about it, though.

I sobered up quickly, though. The thought of going out there, of facing my mistakes - _again_ - was humiliating. Then the thought of trying again, of not only apologizing – which was only right – but then trying to be myself around them... I wanted to hide in my room.

On that thought, I forcefully made myself leave.

The hall was clear, the ship silent. I wondered if they were asleep. I almost breathed a sigh of relief, but really? It's somehow worse to not be able to just apologize and get it the hell over with. Waiting was going to be hell.

I looked at the poems on the walls, wondered how many had already been read and analyzed. The small stanza Wufei had read soon after boarding was still there, glistening on the blades of grass. There were more, infinitely more. At least one hundred poems littered these walls. How many had they already read? How many would they? All of the poems bare a part of me for the world to see. These poems could show them everything I never wanted them to see.

I shivered at the thought.

Of course, if I looked at them all clinically, what would I find? I already knew they told something about me – my insecurities, my dreams, my fears. If I studied these poems, would I get closer to finding the true me?

The only problem with _that_ was that I couldn't look at them clinically. Hell, some of them I couldn't even understand. I'd read them over and over again and still couldn't comprehend them. Or, if I did, I had no idea how it could possibly have anything to do with me.

The war stanza... that one was obvious. But "Poisoned Lies"? I mean, yeah, I was loyal to the point of being ridiculously foolish, but... I had never had a lover. Never. Everyone thinks I'm a slut, or that I sold myself. The truth is, I never had the guts. I saw what happened to whores in L2. I had been terrified of that happening to me.

It almost had... once... but that was minor and had nothing to do with betrayal.

And there was one... one I had memorized because of how many times I'd read it. But... no matter how many times I analyzed it... it made absolutely no sense.

That one, thankfully, was hidden in my room.

But all these others... that one, speaking of love, that one, speaking of sorrow. That stanza, speaking to no one in particular... how many have they read?

I sighed. There was no use in worrying about it. They would have more than enough time to read these – we had another day's wait before reaching L2, and even then it would be safer to stay onboard... then searching other places, because the chances of Jack Harlow actually _being_ there were practically nonexistant... yep. Plenty of fucking time.

I touched one of the poems as I slowly floated to the galley. I knew it wasn't right to act cruelly to these two, and I certainly didn't want to act as the jester anymore. I wanted to be me... didn't I? But if I wanted to be me so badly, why did the thought of being me scare me so much?

Well, goddammit, if I _was_ scared of it, then I would just have to face it and just break the fucking thing. I wouldn't run. Duo Maxwell doesn't run or hide anymore.

I almost laughed at that. Bullshit.

I thought about Heero then as I hadn't truly allowed myself since I'd seen him. He had roughened out those still-young edges. He was lean still, as muscular as he had been – maybe more so. His hair was still too long, too wild. Still that deep, chocolate brown. His eyes hadn't changed, either. Still cold and cruel... still that intoxicating cobalt, deep enough to rival oceans. He was a bit more tan, still light but certainly darker than me – me, who had clung to shadows and abandoned the sun.

He was still beautiful. Still that deadly angel. Still that god.

And I... I was Shinigami. He of death, destruction... and darkness.

Stupid poetic bullshit popping into my head. Death, Destruction, Darkness. Damn alliteration.

I floated into the galley berating that damn poet in my head and stopped short. Wufei, too, stopped drinking from his bulb and stared at me.

I broke contact to try to hide the blush that was creeping up my neck. I hadn't been prepared to do it now, after having thought the both of them asleep. It was difficult all over again, thinking about confronting both them and my own cruelty. I grabbed a bulb and quickly took a deep gulp.

"Maxwell..."

"Sorry," I humphed out, unable to look him in the eye. It was only right that I did, but... dammit, it was humiliating. "I've been... rude. I apologize."

There was silence from Wufei's side of the room... conversational ball rolling... rolling... stopped mid-fall. Clunk. I took another gulp of juice.

"I understand," Wufei said softly. I looked at him from the corner of my eye. He wasn't looking at me, but instead at that stanza that spoke to no one. I looked at it as well, already knowing how it read...

_Do you feel the pain of a lover's lies_

_And of dreams that are left bare?_

_Do you feel the pain of a lover's ire-_

_Do you wish you couldn't care_

"What's it called?" Wufei murmured. I started. He was looking at me. I hadn't even noticed. I looked away from him. How did he know that I had named every singly one of these poems? More importantly... why did he care?

But I _did_ owe him... for how I had acted. I supposed I could at least answer this question. "'My Friend, I Question'," I answered. That one I only partly understood – the part about pain and wishing one couldn't care. However... why did I write about lovers? Was it merely because it's easiest to understand those emotions when it came to lovers? Why was that?

"I see," Wufei said, his voice still soft. "Duo, why...?"

"Why what?" I asked agitatedly. Not for the first time, I wished vehemently for alcohol – exactly why I never kept any. The thought of having liquor at any point in time was too dangerous.

"Why..." Wufei hesitated. "Why are you a bounty hunter?"

"Isn't it obvious?" I snorted. "I'm doing what you and your system can't – I'm stopping the enemy."

Wufei's eyes flashed, but they cooled quickly enough. Wufei would know better than most just how limited the system was.

"It's not the answer."

"Isn't it?" I countered. "Are you guys doing such a great job that you don't need me?"

Wufei could say nothing to that. "What you're doing is illegal."

"Then arrest me," I advised, a smirk forming on my face despite my best efforts. I fought it with everything I had. It was hard... so hard to give him a face that wasn't automatic... wasn't just for show. So hard... dammit!

Wufei sighed. "Maxwell..."

I shook my head. "We'll disagree until the end of time. This conversation is completely pointless – I won't talk about it anymore." I threw my empty bulb in the incinerator and began to leave the room.

"Wait!" I turned to Wufei, who had made no effort to chase after me. He apparently thought I wouldn't wait. I cursed my poor attitude to a depth-less hell. "What... What do these poems mean?"

Again with the poems. Dammit. "How should I know?" I returned, and left the room.

* * *

It was for no reason whatsoever that I found myself sitting in the pilot's seat staring at that poem full of broken wings. I hadn't meant to go there. I hadn't meant, after realizing where I was, to stay. But before I knew it, I was just sitting in that chair staring at that damn poem. I wanted to scratch each and every one of them off the walls. I wanted to peel them away and just show, for one short second, what part of me wrote them. And then I wanted them to disappear into nothing. To just leave the walls bare once again. It would be worth having to painstakingly repaint the entire damn ship just to be able to do that right that second. I would gratefully stare at gray walls this entire mission. Damn poems.

The hallway was quiet; if Wufei was out there, he was keeping his mouth shut – not at all odd for him, but something I used to find uncomfortable. The Jester can't hide without noise, after all.

I sighed and closed my eyes. The Jester, Shinigami... these were masks I used without thinking, ways I hid without actually hiding. The true me... certainly a _part_ of me was in these masks... but how much? And why did I hide as Shinigami when the enemy can't see me?

I have to hide from myself when I fight. That was a simple question to answer. The rest... why the Jester? Why couldn't I just look as dead as Heero always was? Why...?

But that answer was easy, too. I knew what it was like to be ignored, to be hated for no reason other than how I look or where I come from or... or what people expect me to be like. Why push that on others when I hated it being pushed on me? That would be unnecessarily cruel... and hypocritical. So I was the Jester.

Knowing all this... knowing this was showing that I was learning about myself. Slowly but surely, I was seeing more and more of myself than before. That meant all of this was working, didn't it? So why was it that I still felt so lost?

I felt his presence almost before he entered the cockpit. I opened my eyes and looked at Heero.

He floated there, easily clasping one of the handles on the wall. His hair was in wild disarray, as it always was. It swayed slightly, testimony to his entrance into the cockpit. His eyes, as steady and strong as always, penetrated me. Just looking into them took my breath away. Made me ache.

Knowing my eyes might be revealing too much, I looked away for a moment. To say what I had to, I needed to close my eyes. Knowing he was silently watching, waiting... knowing what I was going to say... damn Wufei had probably told him. He was waiting to hear it. No censure. No... anything. Just waiting. I needed to take a slow, deep breath. "I'm... sorry... for the way I spoke to you yesterday. I was rude to you for no reason... I apologize." Painful to admit it, more painful to wait.

But Heero did nothing, said nothing. Just continued to stay in one place and look at me. I garnered the courage to look at him and saw a thoughtful expression on his face. Thoughtful – obviously thoughtful, not closed off or cold or cruel. Thoughtful. For one instant, small and surreal, I thought those eyes could never be so cruel as to glare. I chased it away just as the pain inside started to grow.

Then, before my eyes, the emotions disappeared once again. "Accepted." Heero turned gracefully and exited the cockpit.

My fists clenched; my heart tore. Stupid. That bastard. Why did he show me that? Why did he spread this hope within me? How could he be so cruel as to show me those blue eyes full of emotion and truth... why bother if he's just going to cut me down again?

"Shit," I whispered, and fled to my room. Without thinking, without conscious effort whatsoever... my hands reached for the red paint.

* * *

_So I saw my own reflection_

_In a shadow down the hall_

_A shadow hidden deep within_

_The crevices I saw_

_The crevices were dark and deep_

_Like a lake or ness or pool_

_Hidden in a moonless sleep_

_And visited by fools_

_So do I lay, this shadow me_

_As if a monster freak_

_A dark unsightly demon, see,_

_Yet it is small and weak_

_It huddles in the darkness_

_As if to huddle is to hide_

_But the darkness has devoured my wish_

_It's too late when I'm inside_

I stared at the drying words and knew the name of this poem in an instant: "Silhouette." _Incredible,_ I thought. I hadn't even thought about it. Hadn't considered it. One moment I'm wishing to tear down every unsightly poem I'd ever written... the next I'm writing a new one.

"What's wrong with me?" I asked the air. The paints were carefully locked down again – I hadn't realized until just now how used to painting in zero-g my body had become. Without thought, without effort, I had created another poem.

The room smelled of paint and sorrow. The poem, as always, drew me in. I could feel the emotions of it, released from within onto the walls. Those words held within them a piece of me, immortalized through time.

I smiled softly. There I go again, the poet within me. Why does that part of me bother to show itself? Why did it exist? How did it exist?

So many questions, I thought. And yet I still had yet to find enough answers to prevent the questions from growing and growing.

I still had time. I could look at that poem and realize that I still had time, if all went well. I wanted that time. I wanted to be able to break myself apart piece by piece and then put myself back together so that those pieces fit better. Jack Harlow was trying to steal that time away from me.

I wouldn't let him.

"So do I lay," I whispered, and left my room.

* * *

My mouth had begun to drool as soon as I opened my door – unsurprising, seeing as Wufei had apparently been cooking something in my absence. I didn't know the food I had onboard could smell that good.

The plates and bulbs were locked onto the table when I entered. I stared at those plates, clean mostly because they were never used, and then looked at Wufei as he checked the cooker. Heero was going through the locked cabinets, supposedly checking for more available meals. He was naming off what he saw as he looked. Both turned when I entered.

"Don't stop on my account," I said, then silently berated myself. "What are you doing, anyway?"

"Well, Maxwell," Wufei said, "We are trying to cook – a difficult feat with the available... amenities."

"Then you should have brought your own food," I sniffed, practically slobbering all over the ship. There was no way the food I had could smell _that_ wonderful.

"We would have if we'd known this was all you ate," Heero retorted, looking in one of my many ration bar cabinets.

"It's healthy," I snapped. "Healthy things are _supposed_ to be nasty."

"No," Wufei argued, "they're supposed to be rich in nutrients. They do not necessarily have to be nasty."

I ignored that. How to explain that food was usually just a necessity? That food did not need to taste good to be good enough? As long as it supplied fuel for my body, I didn't care about anything else.

Heero finished listing everything off and turned to me. "Dinner will be ready in an hour."

I hitched up an eyebrow – dinner? There was no time for us spacers, especially out in space. Dinner meant nothing to me... never had. Food was ready when food was ready. I wondered how Heero had always thought of food. Maybe he was used to schedules.

I nodded my understanding and left the room. I went to the cockpit and checked the radar, then looked at the "time". It was around nine at night, depending on what area of Earth you compared to. According to L2, the time read 9:27. An hour would make it 10:27. Pretty late dinner.

Had they been waiting for me?

Stupid thought. They were probably only feeding me because for one thing, it was _my_ food, and for another, I had happened to come out while they were cooking. I would be just as satisfied with a ration bar.

And the thought of dinner conversation... oh, shoot me now.

I stared at that poem again, trying again to make it disappear by will alone. And then, again without conscious effort... I touched it. Ran my hand over it. Ran my hand along those lines that asked forgiveness for something the winged creature couldn't help. Not for the first time, I wondered why I thought of it that way. Of Heero as an angel, able to ascend to the heavens... while I, Shinigami, was trapped on Earth and forced to enter Hell.

Oh, I wasn't so naïve as to think that Heero's hands weren't bloodstained. The two of us had shared battlefields together, after all. But for some reason, he seemed like such a higher being... if only because he hadn't lied to himself while doing it. And he'd fought for peace. What had I fought for? At the time, I had thought that I fought for justice, to make certain that no child ever again became an orphan. But in fighting that war, I had created orphans. I had killed parents, brothers, sisters, friends, children. And so what had I truly been fighting for? Peace? No, nothing so... holy. Revenge. I fought for revenge, for those I had seen die thanks to that goddamn war. I had fought for that. And so... Heero was holier than me. Better than me. Let alone stronger than me.

I smiled at that, but the smile was empty.

I let my hand fall. There was nothing here in this room. No answers in those dry red words.

I felt his presence again, right outside the cockpit door. I didn't jump away from the poem like I might have at some other point in time, trying to cover up what I was doing. I don't know why I didn't – I just didn't feel like pretending anything at that moment. Heero had that strange speculative look in his eyes again. It brought a flash of pain, but I didn't flinch from it. Maybe I was getting used to it. I clung to that hope.

When Heero finally spoke, his voice was oddly soft. Almost... reverent. "Who is it written to?"

I released a humorless chuckle and shook my head. "Doesn't matter," I answered, my voice lacking reverence and sounding more... dull. "They'll never know."

"Why?" Heero asked, his brows furrowing. Like it was my duty to tell someone I cared for so deeply all about my feelings. Like it was any of his business. I swallowed down the laugh that wanted to bubble up at that – I knew it would sound slightly... hysterical.

"Because they'll never accept."

"How do you know?" Heero asked, pressing. Bastard. Strangely... I wasn't angry. The line of questioning left no room for emotions.

Instead, I found myself smiling softly, though there was nothing to smile about. An old, automatic attempt at the Jester. "Because I know him."

Heero stood in shock. I didn't wait for Heero to adjust to the idea of me being gay; I exited as quickly as I could. I heard him turn around to watch me. Felt his eyes on me, staring at me as I entered my password and entered my room. I didn't feel safe even after closing the door behind me.

* * *

Dinner was absolutely dismal.

Don't get me wrong. The food was excellent. Wufei had always been a good cook. Of course, gravity had to be turned on to eat, but it was an easy adjustment and one I was fairly used to. I did cook on my own every once in a while.

But sitting at that table with Heero and Wufei was akin to the worst torture I had ever endured in my life – and let me assure you that I had endured plenty of fucking torture.

Heero was silent, ignoring me totally and completely. Not unusual to begin with, but seemingly more intense since he had learned my big, bad secret. Wufei, unlike Heero, was shooting not-so-covert glances at me. Apparently Helpful Heero had informed Wufei of my homosexuality. I thought of Wufei's strong sense of black and white and wanted to scream. This, more than anything else, would condemn me in his eyes.

Tension rolled over every single bite of the casserole Wufei had created out of green beans and onion rings and cream of mushroom soup. He had helpfully written the recipe for me. The food was wonderful, but I wondered if I would ever make it. The memory of the tension in the room made the thought unappealing.

It was miserable to sit in silence with that tension. And then politeness demanded that I wait for them to finish so I could clean up. I sat sipping my bulb of juice and tried to look invisible.

Eventually, it worked. Heero turned to Wufei and began talking about someone from work, effectively shutting me out. Apparently the guy had been a mole or a groundhog or whatever they called people who ratted out their department. I never cared for the slang – I always just called them motherfuckers.

I cleaned the plates when they were done, saying that it was my job to clean since they cooked. Wufei made a jab about my lack of cooking skills, which fell flat on my side because, dammit, I was in a bad mood and I was kind of being a martyr. Not to mention the fact that the joke made me think of my background on the streets and how the idea of cooking food was ridiculous. I would be thrilled to have any food, cooked, uncooked, overcooked, or moldy. As long as it was even remotely edible. Then I thought of what Wufei's past might have been like, growing up with a colony of friends and money and... and a home. And I thought that of course _he _would know how to cook. He might have even been taught by someone. Wufei could never understand that a part of me would forever think of that as a luxury.

So the proverbial conversational ball deflated on my side of the court and Wufei just went the hell away. Heero, of course, decided to stay behind but really? Why the hell not – this week was already shot, as was the foreseeable future. Might as well get the torture rolling.

I had to give him credit – he kept his sorry mouth shut until I finished washing about half the dishes. I was actually beginning to hope that he would either leave or just stare at me until I finished, at which point I could fucking leave. Again; how naïve of me.

And I should have known this humiliating question would be in among all the damn questions that would be asked. I guess a part of me just hoped – or maybe I couldn't believe Heero would give a rat's ass.

"Who is this guy?"

Shit, shit, shit. How to evade without lying? How how how how how...

"It doesn't matter."

I was stalling. I knew damn well that Heero would press that one. Heero always pressed when I didn't want him to.

Or maybe, secretly... a part of me did want him to.

"Bullshit." Heero's voice was firm. "That poem... matters."

"Since when have you been the empathetic type?" I asked bitterly.

Heero was silent for a time. "About two years ago," he admitted. "When Quatre got in my face and demanded I get the 'fucking dildo out of my ass'."

I couldn't help the shocked guffaw that sneaked out of my traitorous mouth. "Quatre said _what?"_ I let it go and just laughed for a moment. The picture the thought gave me was enough to make me bust my appendix.

I thought I heard a smile in Heero's voice. "I had been a... pain... to be around before that."

"No shit?" I blurted, then shut the hell up. Apparently I had missed a lot more than I had thought... the guys had all matured and gravitated to each other... without me. Damn those last two words. How dare they leak into my head like that. They were all best friends now... had all become... so much stronger... emotionally.

Like they had waited for me to leave so that they could become better without me. Like I'd been holding them back.

I closed my eyes as the machine dried the dishes. Incredible. I was so incredibly... pathetic. I winced inwardly – that adjective was just painful. I stared blindly at the dishes. To get those dishes clean, you had to sacrifice the mess – the food, the dust, the dirt. Was I that wasted food, that dust and dirt? Were the guys...?

I wanted to hit myself. This thinking wouldn't help me.

"So who was he?" Like a dog with a goddamn bone.

"Is," I corrected thoughtlessly. "He's not dead."

Heero hesitated. "Do I know him?"

I shrugged. "Probably."

Heero shifted, apparently a bit uncomfortable with the conversation. Well, I thought, it was his own fucking problem. He'd brought the fucking subject up, after all. "What's his name?"

The machine stopped, and I took the chance to busy myself while thinking of a suitable answer. A flitting thought crossed my mind – _why am I even trying to answer_ – but I didn't have an answer and yet couldn't bring myself to snap at Heero or ignore him, so I merely used an obvious evasion.

"Why do you want to know?"

Heero hesitated on that one. He knew it was an evasion, but short of blatantly ignoring it and thus potentially humiliating himself, he could avoid answering in some way. It made locking the dishes in their cabinet... quieter. I flinched slightly whenever the dishes clinked together. It was extremely loud in the silence, even though my music was still playing softly throughout the ship.

And the alarm sounded.

I heard Heero curse even as I flew to the cockpit. Heero was only half a pace behind me.

Wufei came out of the guest room as we passed. I vaulted off the wall and somersaulted into my pilot's seat, strapping myself in. Heero came up to the front, looking determined.

"Don't even try it," I warned as I pulled up my scanners. "I'll fucking shoot you." I pulled out the pistol holstered on my seat. Heero hesitated, then went to the back and strapped himself in.

I saw what was coming and was too shocked to even curse for a moment. Then a litany of all the swear words I'd ever heard in my life began popping out of my mouth.

"What is it?" Wufei asked.

"Four," I said tersely, and got to hear them curse, too.

I had about three minutes to get things ready. "Are either of you in practice with going out-ship?" I demanded.

"I am," Heero said, his voice clipped.

"I have a suit in the hold back there," I said, nodding behind me to indicate the small door directly behind the passenger seats. "Can you get in one in about two minutes?"

"Yes."

I didn't hesitate, though I wanted to; I didn't want to rely on someone. I didn't want to stick Heero out in the thick of the danger. I didn't want to think about him going out there and trying desperately to hold on as I dodged lasers that, if one even came too close to the ship... would fry him into a crisp. For the first time since I started training with Doctor G... my palms began to sweat.

"I have a small cannon in there, as well," I said, forcing my mind blank. Silently begging Shinigami to fucking come and save me from my own fears. I felt him in me, trying to take over... felt my own fear fend him off. Dammit!

Heero was already dressing, Wufei helping him into his straps. I put the four ships on full-view and clenched my teeth. _Dammit, I have no choice but to trust you, Shinigami. If I fuck this up because of my fear... if I hesitate, it will mean Heero's death!_

I felt Shinigami slide himself into place in my soul and stared at the enemy. "Let's go," I whispered, the maniacal grin sliding into its usual place. My palms dried, my thoughts cleared. "Get moving," I ordered, and shot myself straight into the jaws of death with a Shinigami smile.

* * *

Yup, another one's up here on fanfiction... review? Please? 


	6. Guarded

Gundam Wing is not mine. Those of you who do not know this – there are places out there that can help you.

* * *

Sub Rosa

Chapter Five

Guarded

* * *

Heero did indeed manage to get his suit on in two minutes, though he cut it damn close. I actually heard him curse once when he had to grab a handle when I made a sharp dive. I didn't waste the time for an apology.

He had the weapon quickly, too. I felt my heart stop for a short instant before I okayed his outship clearance. Wufei made an irritated comment about not being allowed to get in the co-pilot's seat to help. I had no time for a retort, though I was very sorely tempted.

The enemies were good. Damn good. I'll admit that in a heartbeat. They seemed like they'd practiced with their cannons. They didn't panic. They didn't miss in their aiming.

And there were four of them. Can't fucking forget that.

Though I might have been a little put off by this alone, the thought of Heero being out there, of his life depending on mine, made it so that I didn't even think about losing.

The beams were constant in their randomness. The enemy didn't sit on the trigger. They waited. Aimed. I would finish another fuel-killing corkscrew and try to shoot away, only to have another beam heading straight for my cockpit. Wufei did help a bit – after another corkscrew, he turned on my rock music and blasted up the volume. "That should help," he muttered. "You used to listen to music when you fought in Deathscythe, too."

Oddly, I was hurt more than warmed. I shoved emotion aside, grunted, and dodged another attack. I grinned at Andrew WK's "Ready to Die." It made me just that millisecond faster.

"Yuy reporting," I got, and shouted to him.

"Ready?"

"Yes," he stated. Man of many words, my dear friend Heero.

I humphed. "Their all yours."

"I need to be as close as possible."

"Really?" I muttered under my breath, irritated that he thought he needed to tell me that. I shot the ship in a psychotic zigzag, like a drugged old lady driving her wheelchair while high on hallucinogens.

I felt my heart skip a beat when a laser came within ten meters of the ship.

Remember, kiddies... we're in space. Ten meters is spitting distance.

Yuy called out his coordinates then, effectively telling me that he was far enough away from the blast. I kicked Shinigami into high gear. "Come on, baby," I coaxed thoughtlessly. "Don't let him die. Do whatever you have to – just don't let him die. Corkscrew," I warned, flipping the ship. "Again," I said tersely.

It shouldn't have surprised me to see the laser shoot out while I was still turning, but it did. I almost messed up the spin. One ship blew up.

Heero had aimed for the cockpit.

I grinned maniacally. Preventor or not, self-defense and training equaled to killing the enemy. Besides, a slow death out in space was just cruel.

One down, three to go. Element of surprise: gone.

The ships went in a frenzy. The careful aim went a bit skewed. Wufei helpfully turned up the volume.

"Loop." Difficult to do without an up or down, dammit. "Corkscrew." Gotta move my ass. "Again." Couldn't let those lasers get close. Heero. Heero's life depended on my not fucking up. "Dip. Left. Corkscrew."

Another laser fired, delightedly on-target. Wufei hissed a sound of triumph, but I was too busy maneuvering away from the remaining two ships. Apparently an unknown someone figured out that getting closer would help them, too. They'd probably locked onto Heero by now.

I ignored the wave of terror that stuck in my breast. No time for fear. Only Shinigami. Only room for Shinigami. "Rise. Right. Left. Right." The zigzagging came again, but then- "dip."

Another laser shot out from the side of my ship, but I had to dodge an attack aimed for Heero, and that messed up his aim. Only a tiny portion of that beam hit. Not enough.

About five more beams left in that cannon. Only one other cannon available. Bad if another enemy attack came. And then another. Or another.

"Rise. Continue. Ninety degrees." As if there were an 'up', I went straight upwards, like a rocket.

Heero managed another shot, this time without my need to dodge. Direct hit.

"Right," I said grimly. I heard, even over my damn loud music, Heero grunt in an effort to keep himself firm. Those magnets on his suit better be fucking excellent, because they were getting more than enough exercise – as were Heero's legs.

No time for fear or worry. Had to keep moving. "Loop. Again." I could swear I heard Wing groan.

It hit me then what a bad name for my ship Demon's Wing was; the nickname 'Wing' was far too much like Heero's Gundam. Maybe that had been subconsciously deliberate.

If something done subconsciously could be 'deliberate.'

"Dip left." I curved the ship as I dipped 'down'. Only one ship left. A helluva lot easier to dodge. "Right."

Heero fired one last time; the vacuum of space momentarily lit, then the light was gone.

I called up a search of the vicinity immediately. When it checked out as clear, I relayed the information to Heero.

"Affirmative," was all he replied. I have no idea why it made reaction set in.

I closed my eyes as Disturbed screamed about voices and let Draiman's rage hide my own fear. I'd just met Heero again for the first time in three years and I'd almost gotten him killed. What the hell was I doing?

My fault. If I'd gotten Jack Harlow to begin with... if I'd only figured out what the fuck was going on... I'd been dumb. Reckless. Stupid. And now, because of my stupidity, Heero was in danger. Because of me.

If anything happened to Heero, how would I be able to face myself? Because I'd wanted to find myself, because I'd wanted to be alone, because I'd wanted to be the anonymous hero taking care of all the baddies, because I hadn't been able to get rid of Shinigami, I'd managed to get Heero caught up in a mess beyond anything he should see, even in the Preventors. There should be a lot of back-up for him. Safety. The hell he'd be on a ship alone with only two other passengers, and he sure as hell wouldn't be out-ship firing a puny hand-held beam cannon at four ships.

My God. What if I'd messed up? What if I'd frozen? What if I'd lost Shinigami? That time when I hesitated – what if I hadn't been so damn lucky?

Speaking of lucky... since when had I been lucky? I knew, without a doubt, that I would have to pay up for that one moment. And when I did...

Heero made it back inside, but only after telling me that he was again prepared to board. I quickly opened the hatch for him, waiting with tense breath for Heero to be able to get all the way back inside. Was he hurt? Had he lied and been burned? _Had_ I harmed Heero in some way? _Had_ I screwed up?

But when Heero walked in carrying his suit, he was fine. Sweaty, obviously a bit tired. But fine.

I finally smiled and let out a war whoop, shutting off Dope's screams for someone to die. "Hot damn!" I cried. "How you holdin' up, Heero?" I hoped the concern in my voice wasn't as obvious to everyone else as it was to me.

"Fine." _At least it was an answer_, I mused as Heero replaced the suit and the cannon. "There shouldn't be any more before we reach L2."

"Yeah. I'll get some more weapons when we land."

Wufei entered the conversation with a sarcastic huff. "And just how will you do that?" Meaning, of course, that weapons were illegal and therefore impossible to obtain. I didn't know Wufei could be that naïve.

"I know a guy," I said breezily. "Ever since I caught him, he only sells to me."

"How do you know that?" Heero asked, his voice sharp. Condescending. So, he still thought of me as an idiot. That was... painful. And irritating.

"Oh, I know." I showed off a short Shinigami smile. "Besides," I added, continuing to keep my voice light, "I keep him under tight surveillance."

"Why don't you arrest him?" Wufei asked. I wondered if his sense of honor was taking a hit.

"Well, it's a good thing I didn't, isn't it?" I snapped, irritated and already high-strung thanks to the fight. "I thought I would need his weapons someday. And lookie where we are – needing his help. Go figure."

I jumped out of my seat. Enough with this. I needed to be the hell alone. Coming down off a high was usually bad enough, but with the added fear, fuck it. I would lick my wounds in peace and to hell with them both.

Wufei made a warning sound, but oddly it wasn't directed toward me. I made it out of the cockpit without anyone trying to stop me. I wished desperately for a beer, then was immediately glad that I didn't have any. Falling into a drunken stupor would be extremely bad. _Extremely_ bad.

I keyed the password into my room and gratefully plopped onto my bed. Precious bed. Why would anyone leave you?

It was only then that I realized that I had kept zero-g off and that I could still clearly hear my music. And, faintly above the music, Heero's and Wufei's voices raised in argument.

Great. I'd gotten the two friends fighting.

It was in me to go out and apologize, but I just didn't feel like it. And really, it wasn't my damn fault they were fighting. They were full-grown, mature adults. They should be able to handle themselves.

I wanted a bath A nice, long bath to soak away the sweat and the fears. I made do with a quick shower.

* * *

After spending merely ten minutes in shower soaking and cleaning, I came back out of my room dressed in jeans that were worn at the knee and a t-shirt with grease stains. No one could say I was trying to dress up.

My hair, already carefully braided, hung down past my thighs. I'd let it grow another couple of inches longer. It acted as my only visual fragility. My eyes, still that startling amethyst, were still wide, still long-lashed. But my mouth had become just that bit firmer, my cheekbones just that bit more austere. I hated that my looks were still girly. I had thought, for one minute, alone and fighting a need to drink, of cutting it. Then I'd stabbed the idea under my thumb. Solo had loved my hair. Helen had cared for it. Cutting it would be like cutting away the memories, those precious ones that made me smile instead of turn away.

The galley, unexpectedly, was already occupied. I winced to see both Wufei and Heero inside, obviously ignoring each other. There was a tension between them that said plainly that the argument wasn't quite over.

I almost sailed to the drink bulbs before realizing my feet were still firmly on the ground. I sighed and walked calmly behind Wufei to grab a juice bulb. "So," I started, my voice light, "I'll be getting weapons while you two...?" I looked at them expectantly. "Or do you need me to babysit?"

Damn the Jester.

Wufei and Heero both tensed like I'd shot at them. "We'll check out the base," Heero said.

I made a rude noise similar to the 'wrong' bell of a trivia game. "No way you're doing that without me. And I'm not letting you come with me to my friends' place. You're fancy cops, pretty much." I grinned. "Why don't you take care of the guys that are bound to be there?"

Wufei snorted. "That would leave us bored for how long?" he asked.

I sometimes wondered just where the hell he'd gotten that sense of humor. "Entertain yourselves," I advised. I moved over to the other side, studiously ignoring Heero's body heat, and grabbed a military ration. I'd managed to get it out of its cellophane wrapping and in front of my mouth before Heero made a disgusted sound.

"Duo," Wufei admonished, "how the hell do you eat that?"

"You need lessons?" I said waspishly. "Mastication's involved," I hinted. "And swallowing. That's necessary. After that I don't give a damn how it works because I don't have to worry about it."

Heero snorted. "He meant," and here he spoke as if I was an extremely special case, "how can you eat something reminiscent of shit?"

"You've compared?"

Wufei was hardly able to cover his chuckle with a cough. "Yes, Yuy, have you?"

Heero glared at his partner. "Thanks for the back-up," he stated sarcastically.

This started a full-blown sarcasm battle between the two that made me stare in awe. They really had connected. And without me.

I fought down the bitterness and finished off my ration bar. It was stupid of me to be jealous. I'd chosen my own path, and it had been one I had to travel alone.

Still...

It was extremely hard to admit that I'd tried damn hard to make them a group, during the war and after it. I'd brought myself to colonies where I'd known the guys were. What had I looked like? A pathetic baby who couldn't stand to be on his own. And here I was again, traveling with two guys who couldn't care less about me but cared too damn much about their missions. Since their mission was to protect me along with taking down Harlow...

I threw my trash in the incinerator and just stood for a moment. Unbelievable. They were yelling down each other's throats, but in their eyes were gleams not of anger, but challenge. And humor.

Well, they'd bounced right back after the war, hadn't they?

I left quietly, making certain I didn't make a sound.

My music had been turned down and changed. I winced at the sound of Shinedown's '.45.' Whoever had helpfully changed the folder of music, they'd changed it to 'Thoughts' – the wrong fucking one.

I switched it to Disney and smiled at Aladdin's 'Prince Ali'. I turned up the music a bit, singing the words, and turned on the zero-g.

It was habit that had me crossing to the poem dictating my unrequited love for Heero Yuy. Habit that had me touching the blood-red words.

"He's got slaves, he's got servants and flunkies; they bow to his whim-"

"Duo."

I turned to Heero's voice without thought. "Debate over?"

"We've agreed that I haven't eaten shit before," he said easily, shocking me. There it was again – that easy humor. Where the hell had he gotten that?

"Since he had no support to back up his claim and had failed to read you your Miranda rights?" I turned back to the poem.

I felt something sprint up my spine at Heero's laughter. Damn, but he had the kind of chuckle that could talk straight to a guy's groin. "Something like that," he agreed.

I ended up giving him one of his own noncommittal noises and stepped away from the poem to check the radar. It didn't pass my notice that the player had switched from "Prince Ali" to "Reflections" from Mulan. I could have cursed.

"You switched the music," Heero noticed. Damn his astuteness. Smart bastard.

"Yeah. Figured I'd lighten the moment." I recognized the tone of the Jester and grimaced. Hiding again.

"Lighten the moment?" Heero came up beside me, checking the music on my computer. I narrowed my eyes at the ease – he'd been the one to switch the folders. "So 'Thoughts' isn't a light mood, but 'Disney' is?" Despite him adding that lift to the end that made it a question, I got the distinct impression that he was talking to himself – noting the severity of the songs in the folders with that brilliant mind of his.

"Haven't you heard of those old kid's movies by Walt Disney?"

Heero cocked his head to the side. "No. I've never watched a kid's movie."

I winced. Maybe that hadn't been the best question to ask. "I saw one once at the orphanage – 'Lady and the Tramp.' I looked for more once the war ended. I've never been able to find that one again." Why the hell was I telling him this?

"I see." He looked at the variety of folders – Thoughts, Disney, Battle, Dream, Hope, Joy. He opened the list and scanned through the songs.

I tried to ignore it, but there was nothing more for me to check. Why did it bother me to see him going through my music? Probably because I listened to the lyrics. The songs I liked spoke to me in either one way or another.

He left 'Joy' and entered 'Forsaken Wings.' I hissed. "Would you stop that?" I snapped. Shit. Now he knew that what he was looking at was important. But of course he did – it was named similarly to the godforsaken poem.

Heero looked at me with his intense cobalt gaze. "What are you hiding?"

To evade effectively, I had to look away. "We're all hiding something."

Heero said nothing to that, but I could feel his eyes on me for a long time. Then I heard the tell-tale double-click.

I swiveled back to him. "Dammit, Heero-"

I stopped short when I heard the intro of the song he'd just started.

'You're in Love' by Wilson Phillips. I snapped. Why? I'll tell you why – because this goddamn song makes me weepy. Everyone shut the fuck up.

I swore right then that if I cried, I was going to kill Heero Yuy.

"Open the door and come in. I'm so glad to see you, my friend. Don't know how long it's been – having those feelings again. And now I see that you're so happy, and ooh, it just sets me free-"

"Goddammit," I roared, shutting off the music altogether. "You son of a bitch!" I felt strange without my music, as if all of my thoughts were creeping up to me in the silence. I wished desperately that I could be completely alone. I felt the need to scream. Loudly. "Don't play shit like that randomly!"

Heero just stared at me, wide-eyed.

Well, that wasn't going to calm me down, despite making me feel like a fucking idiot. Or maybe because of it. I may have instigated it during the war, but I sincerely hated being thought of as an idiot. At least by these guys.

"Fucking hell," I continued, "you hated me _touching_ your all-precious laptop, and here you are fucking with my ship!" I specifically did not call my ship 'Wing.' "What the hell?"

Heero winced at that, and that was when I started feeling like an asshole. Couldn't I at least _pick_ a mask if I was going to hide?

I calmed my hyperventilated breathing and closed my eyes. I tried not to think of Wufei hearing this.

He couldn't know how much more that song hurt with him standing right in front of me. _"Open the door and come in."_ Jesus.

"It reminds you of him."

I almost ran from the room. I almost threw my hands in the air, screamed bloody murder, and ran from the fucking room. I will never know what kept me there, but maybe... maybe it was the trace of sadness I imagined I heard in Heero's voice?

I shrugged in answer.

"Duo, who is he?"

"Someone you know," I snapped, turning away from him. My eyes caught on that damn poem. I wanted to rip the entire segment of the wall off. Vacuum be damned.

"Is it... is it Wufei?"

I think I choked on my own spit. I coughed and wheezed. What? Wufei? Was the idiot fucking serious? Was he really that goddamn oblivious? Did he need a neon sign? I had practically blurted out that it was him and-

Heero's hand slapped against my back, trying to help me breathe. That feeling spread through me and centered in my dick. Heero's hand on me was more than I had allowed myself to think I'd feel again. It was an effort, but I shook my head. "No," I gasped, and even through the rasp and wheeze I heard the firm, slightly disgusted sound in my voice.

"Okay... Trowa?"

"_No_." Lord forbid, though I had to admit that the song might make it seem that way.

Heero's face scrunched a bit. "Zechs?"

"Oh, for the _love_ of _God_-" I thought I might vomit._ "Fuck_ it, all right?"

There was a long pause. I had hopes of him shutting the fuck up and began to leave.

"Quatre?"

"_No_, goddammit. Maybe you don't know him as well as I thought." I left quickly, ignoring his call for me to wait.


	7. Hell

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. Duh.

I swear there's action in the next chapter. I swear it.

* * *

Sub Rosa

Chapter Six

Hell

* * *

As expected, we made it to L2 without another incident. I took the emergency landing pad to throw off pursuit long enough to get ready to fight back.

The armpower of the men we met once we left the ship was... impressive. Fairly devastating, actually. Have you ever played those games, those Medal of Honor games? You know the weapons in those? The pistol, the sub-machine, the grenades, and every once in a while you'd find this extremely sweet machine gun that you'd use to blast the fuck out of everybody? Yeah – all of that.

The three of us managed to escape injury, but my Demon's Wing didn't.

"Goddamn motherfucking cocksucking sons of fucking bitches-"

My string of curses was interrupted only long enough for me to sign the mechanic's papers. It would take approximately three days for my baby to be fixed.

We'd be delayed, vulnerable, and open. Worse, we'd be delayed, vulnerable, and open on L2. We may not be able to use Wing anymore at all. We may be stuck on this damn colony for a week or more as we try to elude Harlow's men.

And my Wing, the first thing that had ever been truly, solely mine – bought by me, for me – was damaged. And may be abandoned.

"Maxwell, though I thank you for once again widening my knowledge of the vast English language, could you please shut the hell up?"

I glared death at Wufei and stomped ahead of them. "I'm going to get the weapons. Occupy yourselves."

"We're going with you," Heero told me. I wondered if there was a brick wall somewhere that I could bang my head against. It would save me some time.

"You're cops. Fancy cops, but cops. You would arrest him."

Heero opened his mouth, then closed it and looked at Wufei.

Why did it hurt to see him turn to Wufei? And what was this disturbing thought – that Heero and Wufei could be...

I turned away from them. "Contemplate, I dunno... the ability of pigs adapting to nature enough to learn to fly." _'Cause that's when my dreams will come true._

I got an irritated snort from what I suspected was Wufei. "That's hardly a topic we'll disagree on, Maxwell."

I must be disgustingly sensitive, because hearing that hurt. Like it was them against me. I have an inferiority complex or something. Or I'm a martyr. Maybe I'm just an idiot.

"Then choose something you _will_ disagree on, Wufei."

* * *

Joe, my contact, was as useful as always. He agreed to bring my purchases to Wing, as long as I kept the place clear. He was a deliveryman, not a fighter. Or at least so I quote.

The man was so easy to get along with. Even though he thought I was Chase Karmen, a small-time bounty hunter, he was cool with me. Even though I'd been the one to bust him.

He and I should squabble like two-year-olds, but instead he and I have a sort of camaraderie. Why couldn't it be like that with Heero and Wufei?

Well, I couldn't put all the blame at their feet. I was always the opposite of what they thought I should be. They expected an obvious soldier and instead got a jokester. A veritable idiot. How could I explain to them that idiots are never considered a threat? Wasn't their reaction proof enough? Even though they knew who I was and what I should be able to do, they never thought I could do anything – that I posed more of a threat to my allies than my enemies.

And afterwards, I hadn't been able to get rid of the Jester quickly enough. If I had, would things have been different? Would I have been a part of their conversation, making witty insults that made them laugh? Would I be lighting that humor in their eyes?

What ifs were useless. This was how things were. I couldn't change it, no matter how much I wished I could. I would always be different.

But trying to change my thoughts brought up the thought of Heero's and Wufei's relationship. I had thought that they were comrades, partners. Were they lovers, too?

I touched my chest briefly; the thought hurt. But I had to admit – they'd probably make a good couple. Both were smart, ambitious. Most certainly good-looking, obsessed with justice. With doing the right thing. And they seemed to almost understand one another's thoughts... except for that one fight. The one they seemed to have put behind them.

But maybe that was why Wufei's name had been the first on Heero's lips and not his own. He thought of himself as too taken to even be considered, but Wufei... Wufei was the man _he_ loved, so of course Wufei's name was the first on his mind. But wasn't Heero with Relena?

Or maybe I was creating an elaborate excuse for him and for myself.

Yeah. Definitely the latter.

Heero and Wufei, when I returned, were speaking with Commander Une on my comm. link. I stowed the new provisions I'd brought to ensure Joe's safe journey here. I listened as they finished their report.

"Has Strike returned?" Commander Une asked.

I went to stand beside them. "Howdy, ma'am." I smirked at the disgruntled, halfway-warning note that left Wufei's mouth. "How may I be of assistance to Your Ladyship?"

"Report, Strike," she answered dryly.

"Aye aye, mon capiton." I saluted and gave her my own report. I'll spare the world a re-run.

When I finished, she nodded. "I'll send over false ships. Hang low for a week or so. I'll contact you when we're ready." She signed off.

"Yee-haw," I muttered. A week in my own little version of hell. I couldn't wait.

"We need to find a place to stay, away from your ship, Maxwell." Wufei turned to me.

"No shit?" I answered, then keyed in a password – _Namida0408_. A small cache opened, revealing a thick wad of bills. I snatched them and the pistol hidden underneath. "Just let me lock up my new little goodies." After that little job was done, I turned back to them. "It would be best to go to those hotels least occupied."

"And where would those be?" Wufei asked.

A place I'd sworn I'd never return to. "Follow me."

* * *

The neighborhood looked different, but mostly because I was taller and had other perspectives to look through. This part of L2 hadn't seen the extra money given to the colonies.

Wufei whistled, low and long. "This place is a mess." He smirked. "Any friends of yours here, Maxwell?"

"No," I answered testily. "They're all dead."

That served to shut him up.

Heero was silent, but he was watching me carefully. I couldn't spare him a moment. I was amazed at how the place was – practically the exact same, after a second look. I recognized the old hiding places, many of which I'd never be able to fit in now, despite my more wiry frame. They brought with them memories, memories I didn't know if I could handle.

I immediately recognized the by-the-hour motel that johns took their hits to, as well – anyone from age six to sixteen, male and female both. I'd seen the results of most of those encounters. I remembered the blood, pain, and pleas. All too well.

"Here," I said tersely. There were worse places to sleep, I supposed. And no one would be there during the day.

"This place?" There was disgusted outrage in Wufei's voice.

"Just don't touch anything," I advised, going to the door.

"Disgusting," Wufei muttered. Heero, I saw, nudged him hard. I turned away from Wufei's suddenly understanding gasp.

I paid for the rest of the day and stalked up the stairs. "Here – two rooms – he'd get even more suspicious if we bought three. This place isn't one commonly used by day, anyway. We stick out enough." I showed them their room. "Just remember – don't touch anything. And I don't advise sitting on anything."

"Duo." Heero stopped my little lecture. It was hard to look him in the eye, knowing that his penetrating gaze would be burrowing into my soul. It made my own gaze guarded. "Duo... this is where you... grew up, isn't it?"

Well, for a question, it was certainly a stupid one. But that didn't stop my stomach from clenching. "Yes." I turned and went to my room.

* * *

We left a half-hour later (Wufei a tangled mess of pissed-off that most likely led the owner to think he was disappointed with his session) to search the area. I highly doubted that there would be anything incriminating, but it would be intelligent to search, anyway.

Heero and Wufei argued about the possible ramifications of breathing for a sustained period of time in those rooms, most likely to get my mind off my surroundings. Heero, after all, had started the argument after watching me mope for a full ten minutes.

It still amazed me how... nice... Heero had turned out to be. I guess that 'follow your emotions' thing really helped him out. Huh.

I, on the other hand, remained silent during their little debate. They weren't attracting too much attention – I'd had them change out of their uniforms yesterday, and they'd brought plenty of spare clothes in their bags. A bit fancy, but not that expensive. They were like two pimps, and no one would really think to fuck with them except another pimp, who most likely wouldn't be awake for another couple of hours. Night ruled here.

But I looked like one of their hookers, maybe either Heero's or Wufei's personal plaything. With my long hair and big eyes, that's pretty much all I'd ever be here, despite having never sold myself. I'd been luckier than most – a forced blowjob, quickly remedied when Solo came up behind the perp and gutted him.

Not many had been so lucky.

This place was ruled by guys like Heero and Wufei. I couldn't help but notice that. Even the way they walked spoke of power – panthers and cougars and jaguars. Hilde once told me that I had grace, too – just more like a gazelle, or at best a cheetah. No one ever considered me one of the strongest, though they sometimes thought that I could hold my own.

In this place, I was more gazelle. I was a prime hooker.

And that, along with the area, made me nervous. If a pimp woke up and saw me, he could very well try to start a fight with either Heero or Wufei or both to try to take me. And though they could take that pimp down easily, there would be more. Not only would our cover be blown, but we'd have even more enemies. And though Heero and Wufei could probably handle honorable fights, these guys fought dirty. They'd shoot you up on crack before letting you beat them.

My eyes followed every movement, every flutter of the breeze. A part of me was amazed at how quickly I fell back into life on the streets. How quickly I fell back into what I'd been before. There was more to fear than pimps. Everyone knew that the cops never bothered to enter this place.

"Duo?"

I realized their argument was over and turned to Heero. "Yeah?"

"Is something wrong?"

I took another quick look around. "No. Why?"

"Why?" Wufei snorted. "You're tense as a bow, that's why."

I shrugged. "No big deal. I'll feel better once we're out of the open."

"The open?" Wufei repeated. "There aren't any snipers here, Maxwell."

"I'm not just talking about Harlow's men." Sometimes it truly shocked me how little these guys knew about the other side of society. At the very least Heero should have an idea.

I sensed movement to my left and stopped. A small streak came up behind me, quick as a bird. I grabbed the small hand.

Immediately the would-be thief started struggling. "Let me go!" The voice was young, but definitely male. His dark hair was matted and greasy, his clothes no more than rags. He fought like a hell-cat, scratching the hell out of my arm.

Wufei gasped. "A child?"

"Hold still, brat," I snapped, deftly grabbing his other wrist and braceleting them. I had to admire his spunk, considering what the three of us looked like. "I've got a job for you."

The kid stilled. "What?"

"There should be a man looking for us soon. Take his wallet."

"Why should I?" But the kid was interested.

"Because he's a cop." I handed the kid twenty credits with my free hand.

"Are you criminals?"

"As much as you are, kid."

The kid sniffed. I almost laughed at the sudden resemblance to Relena. I was sure she'd be less than thrilled with the comparison. "Fine. I'll take care of the pigs."

"Cool." I let go of him and dragged my two cop friends away before they could say something stupid.

"Pigs?" Wufei hissed, but my glare stopped him.

"Yes. Pigs. That kid would be arrested for trying to pick my pocket. Around here, justice is cheap."

"We must take him – get him some help."

I stared at Wufei in shock, surprised somehow that he'd say that. "Uh, Wufei? He probably has a gang to feed."

Wufei turned shocked eyes to me. "You mean there are more children like that?"

I sighed. "Of course. We gang together to stay alive."

I heard a shocked intake of breath from Heero and turned to him. He wasn't looking at the neighborhood, but rather at me. With wide eyes. I narrowed mine suspiciously. "What?"

But Heero just shook his head and looked away. I saw Wufei catch his eye and had a feeling there would be a secret discussion coming up.

Where the hell was a brick wall when you needed one?

Just then I recognized what street we were on and stopped cold. Shit. Shit! That was stupid – I had remembered each street I'd been walking on, every hiding place. Stores for food caught my eye. Movement.

But I'd blanked out where these streets led – I just felt like it would be safer to continue walking this way. Too caught up in the past just to realize how very far back in the past it was. Stupid. Stupid!

"I'm going back to the-" I started, but stopped when Heero put up his hand in the age-old 'quiet' signal.

"Look." And he pointed-

-straight at the charred remains of the Maxwell Church.

It stood out, even among the wrecks of other buildings, not burned out but still dilapidated. It was twilight, so the remnants of the windows shone pink and purple and orange, almost like the stained-glass windows I had always thought the church should have. Only a couple charred beams remained standing. I knew that nothing was left. I'd checked years ago.

"There's nothing left." A part of me realized what I was doing – what my voice sounded like, how lax my body was. The rest didn't. Those remains meant so little to so many. And yet they meant everything to me. I'd found one small year of joy, only to lose it. Had I ever found it again? Sometimes it seemed like my joy, my ability to laugh, had been stolen that night. I hadn't found them again, even after digging desperately through all that rubble.

"No, there – there are two men disappearing into the ground."

But there had never been a basement...

"Duo?"

"Maxwell!"

I came to my senses in time to stop myself from walking like a zombie over to the ruins. Heero and Wufei were sharing concerned looks.

I turned away. "We'll check the area out at dawn."

"Why should we wait?" Wufei asked.

I pointed to the people beginning to crowd the streets. "Because the world's waking up. It's dangerous to be out this late, and attacking now would only get civilians involved."

Wufei looked over to the hookers and the druggies. "They are only-"

"Human," I finished for him. "We're going to a different hotel. Quickly. We don't want them to know we're onto them." How many times have I turned away from them, unable to take what they said or did?

No wonder they never understood me. They've never understood where I've been.

It was painfully obvious just how alone I really was.

* * *

We switched hotels for the night, none of us willing to dare the beds at the old one. Then they slept.

I say they slept not because I was on watch – though I was one third of the time – but because I couldn't sleep at all.

Why? For fear of the nightmares.

So trust me when I say no one bothered us for the night.

The dawn was a brilliant thing, made more so because of the problems with the space station. I was really starting to wonder what the hell all that money had actually been used for here. In any case, the blood-red beam of light served as a good excuse for me to "wake up."

I shifted, then sat up. No theatrics necessary – Heero and Wufei would understand that I'd be alert immediately upon waking. Hilde, bless her, had never understood even that.

Heero and Wufei had been discussing something in muted voices – that secret meeting something that I'd foretold, I'd bet. They both stopped and wished me good morning.

I, a fan of the night and extremely tired, grumbled nastily. I think I said something like, "who says?" but I can't really swear on it.

Heero smiled, but there was no laughter in his eyes. Wufei's face, too, seemed even more solemn than usual.

My brow furrowed – I knew for a fact that nothing had happened during the night. "What's wrong?" I asked them, but both refused to admit there was a problem with anything.

Fine. Let them get depressed alone. Rat bastards.

"Well, the good news is we'll be able to check out-" I had to stop myself quickly. "The site," I finished hastily. "The other good news is we can eat before we do that." I smiled brightly – I was starving. We hadn't eaten before heading in. It would have been stupid. Talk about lining yourself up to be attacked.

Both flicked glances at one another before turning back to me. I saw on their faces the need to talk about something I didn't want to talk about.

"Well," I continued, clapping my hands and standing, "what do you say we-"

"Duo."

I hated how just his voice could make me stop everything and pay attention, even when I sincerely didn't want to. Maybe he'd practiced hypnotism or something over the past three years.

Unconsciously, I fell into those eyes. My heart, ever foolish, wished. And it hurt to wish. Gods, but it hurt to wish.

This wasn't right. Even if Wufei and Heero weren't... an item... then it still would be utterly stupid. Heero wouldn't... he'd never... dammit, it was just useless. Hope was useless. Worse, it was _painful_. Whatever deity made up the emotion hope has been having quite a good laugh at humans' expense.

"Duo... during the war..."

Shit. Definitely something I didn't want to talk about.

Heero firmed his voice and continued. "Were we your gang?"

I stopped breathing.


	8. Stupefy

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. Duh.

* * *

Sub Rosa

Chapter Seven

Stupefy

* * *

I grimaced and turned away in defense. "What are you on about?" I groused.

Heero, ever full of himself, stepped forward without taking a hint. "Duo, I mean... you said you grouped together to survive when on the streets. During the war-"

"We were younger. Stupid. We grew up." I went to one of the beds and ran one of my hands along the comforter, a boring pastel – a hotel necessity, unless it was to be a simple bold color. Yellow with flowers. Fruity. I almost snorted at the random thought.

"Grew up?" Wufei echoed. "How do you mean? We were fools during the war? How can you say that?"

I shrugged. "Weren't we? Everything was black and white to you, and Heero believed that emotions were a weakness. And I... well, I was so obviously a fool that even you two noticed it." I walked to the nightstand and studied it. There were scratch marks, most likely from the multitude of keys that were carelessly dropped onto it. Funny how people only care about _their_ furniture.

"Duo-" Wufei began, but Heero cut him off.

"Stop pitying yourself. It's not attractive."

I whirled on him, fury flaring to life. He always had that ability, and it hadn't dulled with time in the slightest. "You bastard, it's not pity, it's a fact!" Still, I felt the sting of truth. "What'd you think of me back then? Huh? All of you – what the fuck did you think of me?!"

Heero's frown deepened. "That's not the point," he began.

"The hell it's not," I snapped. "Tell me, did you think I was fit to pilot the Deathscythe? No. I know because I heard. Being stupid isn't the same as being deaf, after all. I heard all of you say it at least once, though Quatre was nice enough to keep the condescension from his voice. But _he_, at least, figured it out. Did _you_, O Perfect Soldier?"

"We shouldn't be fighting," Wufei said, once more unreasonably calm. The man could probably face down hurricanes. "We need to work together."

"Fine." I turned away without another word. Pity? Damn Heero for throwing that at me. Especially since it was exactly what I'd been doing. "Good night." I moved off to the far bed. One of them could take the floor. Hopefully it would be Heero.

"Wait – Duo–" Wufei stepped forward, but stopped suddenly. I looked back without turning my head. Heero was shaking his head at Wufei. I grimaced and got into the bed, ripping back the covers. Then I closed my eyes and pretended to fall back asleep.

Pity? Dammit, I didn't want to be a pathetic self-pitier who went around wanting the world to apologize and beg forgiveness. I didn't want to be like that. But I also...

I rolled over, keeping my breath even with an effort. So I was being a pathetic coward. All right; I could move on from that. Trust Heero to slap it in my face. Mr. Sensitive.

I settled my mind and let my body relax into sleep. Tomorrow was another day. Another chance to learn and to change. It was what I was here to do, other than kill a psychotically powerful criminal. I could do that.

I gave a tired chuckle as I fell into the darkness of sleep.

* * *

I awoke for my shift at the end and watched dawn break, vaguely disturbed that I'd slept so long. The dawn thing had to be broken; there shouldn't be any brown, should there? Then I woke up Wufei and Heero were already up. The latter had volunteered for take the floor, which kind of ruined it, really. Shouldn't he have been forced down there? It made him... noble. Bastard.

I shook it off, knowing the thought was petty. Then I got ready for the day.

"All right," I said once everyone was done, "it should be okay for us to go back now."

"Do you know the area?" Heero asked.

I gave him a blank look. "No. I'm stupid."

Wufei sighed.

Heero's look was sharp. "Still on that, are you, Duo? You're acting childish."

I was only a second from punching him in his arrogant face. "And you're acting pompous. What can I say, Heero? We all have our little quirks."

"Stop, the both of you," Wufei snapped. "You're both acting like fools. This is _not_ our priority."

I turned to Wufei. As usual, he was the most steady of us all. Though... wasn't it odd that Heero was letting his emotions enter all this? I flicked my glance to him. He seemed unsettled. Huh.

"We are going to assess those ruins. Duo, what is that place?"

"A church." I resigned myself to having to explain a few things. "I lived there for a short time, so I understand the layout of the place."

"Lived there?" Heero echoed.

I shot him a quick glare. "That's right." And I went on to explain the outline. "There's a foyer that broke up into three parts: two hallways left and right, and the chapel straight ahead."

"And the cellar?" Heero asked.

"There wasn't one. I know for sure, because I looked once. I liked hidey-holes." I shrugged. "There were stairs leading to small rooms. Sister Helen had one, Father Maxwell had one... and the other kids and I shared the other two. They collapsed, of course. But there was no cellar. However, those men disappeared by where the podium stood."

"I see." Wufei nodded, then hesitated. "Father Maxwell?"

"That's right." I said nothing more on the subject, instead double-checking my weapons.

"Well, let's get going," Heero ordered. "We want to be discreet."

"Then walk around like you own the place," I suggested. "Pimps are like that, and you two have the look of them."

Heero just glared, but Wufei cocked an eyebrow. "Oh? And what do you look like?"

I hid my pistol in the back of my jeans. "A hooker."

There was that silence again.

I headed to the door. "Are you guys ready to move out?"

"Yes." Heero took charge, which hit my irk-O-meter. "We'll head over to the site and do a quick recon. Duo, you understand the area. You'll watch out for dangers."

"Fine."

"Wufei, you and I will check the place out. Duo will remain topside."

What the hell? I looked at Heero sharply. He was obviously keeping a distance between us. Worse, he was also bringing Wufei with him just in case I didn't care enough about his life. This wasn't about the fight we just had, was it? Did he truly believe that I would want him dead?

Bastard!

I grit my teeth and imagined the delicious thought of drugging the rat-whore and dunking his face into the ocean. He, oblivious, turned and spoke to Wufei about which areas each would cover once inside.

Okay. To take stock of my emotions... anger. Betrayal, petulance. I didn't like the last one, but, dammit, I wasn't happy about any of this bullshit. I had never had any intention of ever meeting Wufei and Heero again. Hell, a part of me hadn't expected to make it through this damn mission. And certainly I had never expected to have to share my ship, for them to ever see my poems. For them to learn anything about my past. Or for them to snoop around in my old haunts.

No, there was nothing to be happy about in all this.

Plus, Heero... Heero was the same, and yet so totally different. When before I'd managed to place him into a category, he no longer fits. He used to be cold, hard, and calculating, with a hint of something more beneath that he had managed to cipher away. Now... was it that the something had come to the forefront? But no, not completely, if only because he was a Preventor. No, parts of Heero were the same. His confidence, his calculating mind. But... there was more.

"_Were we your gang?"_

Yes, something had changed. Not that Heero suddenly figured it out, because the bastard had always been able to skip from Point A to Point G without warning. It was simply that the old Heero wouldn't have cared enough to ask.

And Wufei had switched a bit, as well. He was more... what? Kind? Worried? He was still a warrior, still honorable, and still obsessed with justice. But he seemed to be more accepting of the idea of allies. And he seemed to genuinely care about them.

What was it about them that made them able to move on? Was it because of what they fought for? Heero with his dream of peace and Wufei with his dreams of justice and integrity... while I, little ol' Duo Maxwell, fought to help children and bring revenge for those I'd lost... was that it? Or was it something else... something I had missed... or maybe something I inherently lacked...

There it was again: that disgusting self-pity and self-repugnance.

Well, fine. They traveled on my ship, used my evidence, borrowed my weapons, and use me as trash. In the end, I supposed they trusted me a bit more: at least they expected me to watch out for them. And they didn't expect my coordinates to make them crash into an asteroid or anything.

I glared at the door. So. They acted nice, they tried to get to know me, they showed concern. But still, I was nothing to them. They had changed, but not enough.

* * *

We managed to arrive without incident, and Heero and Wufei trooped off to do their Preventor thing. Meanwhile, I stood looking around like a retard in shirt and jeans. Oh, the joy of a bounty hunter's life.

The church was haunting in its ruinous state. A couple beams lay rotting on their sides. One beam was caught on another, lifting it into a diagonal. The stone floor remained in some areas as if it had been protected by the bodies. If I tried, I would see the bodies left behind.

I didn't try.

Nothing stirred, really; nothing would in this part of the colony for another few hours. Then the harmless crazies would arrive, sniffing and snorting and limping. Then a pimp or two, looking for someone to snatch for their groups. A couple street rats, as well, to try to get some money from the blocks nearby, where a few people were lucky enough to find work. The rest would wake at dusk. Yes. Those here lived in the night.

I leaned against the corner of the building next to the wreckage. It would be impossible to completely blend in. No one stood still for long around these parts. I didn't glance at where Wufei and Heero had disappeared, but I wanted to. I wanted to go down and take part in the action. Instead I got the boring guard duty. How lame.

It had to be a half-hour before I saw any movement. Two men, both dressed down but with expensive taste. We both saw one another at the same time. They both snatched up their guns.

I ducked down and ripped my gun from the back of my jeans. They shouted something that sounded like "cop!" and opened fire.

I rolled to the side and pivoted, knelt and aimed. Without thought.

The first dropped like a stone.

The second ran to cover behind a slab of the church.

"Tch." I ducked for cover by the diagonal beam. I saw him reach out, adjusted my movements. He was calling for his downed partner as if that would magically revive him.

Then he flipped over the slab and darted to where Heero and Wufei were.

"Shit!" I leaped up as well, following him. He turned and shot, but his aim was wild.

Mine wasn't.

It hit home, just as I knew it would. He fell to the ground in a heap. I ran up to him, just in case, but he, too, was dead. People were coming out now, to stare and see who won the battle, who had taken control of what.

Dammit. Pimps.

This time there were three, all coming from different areas, all investigating. They would see me, and they might know. There were only two options as to what I was – either a pimp or a cop. And I certainly didn't look like a pimp.

Fuck.

"It's a pig," one grunted. The hookers screamed and ran off, and the street rats silently returned to their holes. But thugs were popping out, wielding guns and slabs of wood.

To keep appearances – to keep Heero and Wufei out of this mess – I had to leave.

"They'll never forgive me," I muttered, and raced off.

"Hold it!"

More gunshots, this time with more accurate aim. Roars resounded through the streets.

"Wait, don't kill him!" I heard one call. "Catch him alive. He'd make a nice whore."

Oh, shit.

I doubled my efforts and switched to a side alley. Yes, I remembered this place. There were two old hiding spots here, but I couldn't use either of them now. I was too old. Too big. The best I could do was keep running.

I turned just as a shot ricocheted past my shoulder. This building didn't have a main function and only served as headquarters for various criminals. Past it should be two more blocks of warehouses no longer used, then railroad tracks. Beyond those was a small shopping district. It wasn't anything fancy, but it was often occupied. Scratching up some coins wasn't too hard around there. It was as if those railroad tracks divided more than just a few feet of land.

I led them there, led them to a small area that I knew well, a place I went once when an angry pimp – who I hadn't marked in time – chased me off his turf. Yes, that place would be perfect – a narrow passage with a small niche near the end. Perfect for picking people off one by one.

I swerved into that tiny little passageway and crammed myself into that small niche. The pounding footsteps faltered for a second, then turned in.

I reached out from behind my safe little corner and shot. One.

"Argh!"

Two.

"Aaagh!"

"Shit! Shit!"

Three.

"Aaahh!"

I waited, listening carefully, as one tried to sit up. With a quick glance, I hit him with a ricochet shot and downed the fucker unconscious. There would be no point in taking them to the police, since the authorities here were afraid of them. But this time if they saw a cop with a braid, they may think again before trying to use him.

I stepped out from my spot and looked at them. I didn't recognize any of them. They must have either overthrown their superiors or simply taken their place. And none of them were the one who had chased me down that day.

I shrugged and pocketed my pistol. Only one bullet left in it, but it was still useful. I went back to where Wufei and Heero were.

* * *

I'd been lucky; the two had been busy themselves, having walked in while two slept on the floor, smashed. They'd been left there by their comrades to sleep it off, but they'd been positioned behind some crates and the Preventors hadn't seen them until they'd broken open a crate and woken them up.

What had ensued was about the same as what I had gone through, only easier because while I had been one, Heero and Wufei were two. So I ended up going back and giving them the all-clear and they'd come up none the wiser about what had occurred top-side. For the best, since they would never forgive me for hurting the pimps and then just leaving them.

As for the two dead guys, well, I certainly wasn't hiding them. But when I'd pointed them out, Heero just nodded and left to go to a different hotel, one he'd apparently seen when we'd been walking to the church. There he called Commander Une and informed her that a weapons cache had been found and that we would be staying with that cache until Une came to pick us up.

So, as another precaution, I stayed far, far away from Heero and Wufei when we returned to the church's basement that night.

* * *

It didn't surprise me in the slightest that I had a nightmare. That had been expected. I awoke silently with sweat on my back and face, staring wildly into the dust and wishing I could get the faces out of my head. I'd sworn vengeance, and I'd gotten it. Why did I have to stay in this Hell after victory had been attained?

I sat up and gazed around. The cellar had been made secretly, that was for certain. But we had no way of knowing whether this was Jack Harlow's doing or not – Heero and Wufei had shot to kill, as well. Instinct was hard to fight back, after all.

But the place was shit. There were old-fashioned kerosene lamps to bring light. They cast eerie shadows as they swung. Children would have seen boogey-men. I saw ghosts.

There were beams holding up the little space and various crates. They held an assortment of goodies – pistols, rifles, shotguns, grenades, and one absolutely beautiful grenade launcher. Then there were packs of ammo and a couple boxes of food and water. Just in case a small siege was necessary. Useful.

I had taken a few of the pistol bullets, pissing off Heero and Wufei.

"Bounty hunter," I had reminded them, and grinned wickedly. Goody-goodies.

But now they were on the other side of the room, blocked from sight by some of the bulkier crates. For now, I was safe to recuperate on my own.

"Duo. I know you're awake. I heard the change in your breathing."

Heero was a goddamn freak.

"So?" I kept my voice down to a murmur, but it was harsh. At the moment, the tone wasn't as important as the steadiness.

"You said you were here for a while, right?"

Why the hell did he want to get to know me? Why was it so outrageously important to him now, when before he couldn't stand learning anything other than mission specs? What exactly had changed? How? Why?

"Yeah." Like I was going to give him any more information. "But this cellar didn't exist. I know that well enough."

"Did G pick you up here?"

"Yeah. He hunted through countless orphanages before finding me."

He wasn't close, so I was surprised to hear him sigh. "So you were here when the fire occurred."

"No. Weren't you the one who said not to make assumptions or whatever?"

"'Assumptions lead to mistakes,' yes. But you had a haunted look in your eyes when you saw this place. Therefore something bad had to have happened, meaning you hadn't been picked up by a foster family."

"Do you really think prospective parents would have entered this part of the colony?" I asked sardonically. "But it could have been anything else – I could have just been remembering them alive." Which I had been... and hadn't been.

"No, it was nothing so simple. Not with that face. Besides, they may have been important in your life, but you wouldn't have taken the name Maxwell – no, more, you wouldn't have worn those priest's garments during the war – if something drastic hadn't occurred here."

I grit my teeth. The man should use his deductive skills on something better – like how to shut up. Since when had Heero become such a damn blabbermouth?

"Anything else, Sherlock?" I asked sardonically.

"Yes. Who did you take the name Duo after?"

I hissed sharply.

"Was there someone you knew named Duo? Someone from the orphanage – the church? Or was it before that? After? Was _he_ the person that poem is dedicated to?"

Nosy bastard! "No, no, no, and – hmm – no. Now if you'll excuse me, I want some more sleep before my shift."

I laid down and brought my little army blanket up with a quick snap. I managed to close my eyes to two minutes of silence before he spoke again, this time quieter than ever.

"You know, Duo... we've been worried about you."

I clenched my fists. "That's nice."

"You may not believe us, but it's true. It took us a long time, but we realized that there was more to us than what the doctors showed us."

"The Gods of Pestilence only knew their own diseases."

Heero snorted. "True. And it was all we knew, too. But we learned."

"Good for you." I, however, hadn't managed to learn everything I needed to. I still had a long way to go. Until then, I couldn't be anything other than what I was now. Whether I was the Jester, Shinigami, or just some random persona I threw on for safety's sake. It didn't matter. Not until I found out who I was.

"We were all so lost... but we found that, together, we could see a lot more."

I started tuning him out.

"Don't you see, Duo? To understand yourself, you have to have someone else there to show you. You can't find yourself alone, out in the middle of space."

Slowly, slowly my eyes opened. And I stared at those ghosts in horror.


	9. Liberate

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. Duh.

* * *

Sub Rosa

Chapter Eight

Liberate

* * *

What the hell could he possibly know about it? Is that what he'd tried to do after the war had ended, as he disappeared into nothing? Had he done the same? Could he have?

"Duo, I recognize the symptoms: irritability, shifting personalities, confusion. I've been there. We all have. The only way we got out was-"

"Who cares?" I demanded. "It doesn't matter. We're on a mission, Yuy. Have you, of all people, forgotten this?"

The sigh was a bit softer this time, but still disgustingly discernible. "I see." See what? "Good night, Duo."

There was going to be a 'secret discussion' occurring behind my back come morning.

I shifted, uncomfortable with my whirling thoughts, and willed myself into sleep.

* * *

I woke with a strangely groggy feeling, like I'd been crying. But of course I hadn't – it was just a leftover from the dreams.

There was a low murmuring going on from the other side of the crates. If I could have, I would have sunk back into sleep.

Heero must have heard the change in my breathing again, because the murmuring suddenly stopped. It was aggravating – one minute Heero was being an arrogant shit, the other he was being inquisitive, and then in the middle of that he became disturbingly kind. The normal Heero was pretty constant – so what the hell?

"Duo, Une says she'll be here in another ten hours."

"Woot," I muttered. "So what are you going to do to entertain yourselves?" Bother me, no doubt.

"Nothing much," Heero said easily. "Why don't you come over here?"

Why don't you kiss my ass? I thought, but didn't say it. That probably wouldn't go over too well, and I apparently had to stay in this tiny place with them for another ten hours.

But I came out, and Heero brandished a deck of cards. We spent our time playing blackjack, with which I was familiar, and poker, with which I was still a novice at.

And I was a good boy. I only cheated twice.

* * *

When the ten hours came and Preventors swarmed into the room, I was gone. I was still Black Strike, an unknown entity, even to the Preventors. It was a security caution, just in case of leaks. It had also been to prevent Heero and Wufei from finding out, but that plan hadn't worked out so spectacularly.

I walked down the safer streets, body tense and alert, mind three years in the past.

I'd had plenty of years to think over my years on the streets and my short stint in the church with Father Maxwell and Sister Helen. No, my new fascination was my latest earth-shattering decision, to break away from everyone and everything I'd clung to. In order to find myself.

I'd gotten farther. I now realized more of my weaknesses, and I've always been able to point out my skills. Social-wise, I knew that I hid. I knew I did so out of a sense of fear, but I didn't quite know what that fear was. Why was it so necessary to hide?

Worse... worse, had Heero been speaking the truth? That I would never be able to find the real, true, completely authentic me if... if I stayed alone?

No way. What could they see? They had never been able to see the real me throughout the entire time we'd worked together in the war. We'd needed to rely on one another for our lives. You learned a lot about a person real quick in those situations – or at least you usually did. Heero and Wufei looked right through me. Trowa caught on, near the end. And Quatre, bless him, was brilliant when it came to seeing a person's true heart. But...

There was no way those idiots would be able to see anything more than they had before. Right? But if that were the truth, then how the hell had Heero been able to dissect me so well? The bastard...

No, he'd always had that ability. He'd always been brilliant at picking up hidden clues and laying them out for inspection. It's just... usually he did that only for the mission.

So, what, now that the missions weren't as hard anymore, he had to exercise his brain on innocent bystanders? What? Is my brain some sort of amusement park for him?

Dammit, why the hell did I fall in love with someone like him?

Stupid! He was an arrogant, over-bearing chit. He only knew what he wanted to see. Today that something was me. But what about tomorrow? When he'd finally pulled apart the last part of me – when he finally tore down my last barrier and left me bare – would he get bored with me and move on?

I couldn't take that chance. Whether I had to be Shinigami, the Jester... as long as I managed to protect the real me-

-the real-

That was it.

It hit me suddenly and with so much force I almost keeled over from the pure strength of it. I was afraid of being hurt – again? I was afraid of so much, if I just looked at it. Afraid of being alone, but afraid of being known. It was such a contradiction it shouldn't have made any sense.

But it did. It made perfect sense.

Because everyone close to me has died, I'm afraid of becoming close with anyone, for fear that they will end up the same as Solo and Sister Helen and Father Maxwell and even that bastard G. All of them were dead, and all of them had been pivotal people in my life. Had a part of me left Quatre and Hilde for fear that they, too, would die? For fear that I would lose them, as well?

Was I afraid to try to get closer to Heero and Wufei, who clearly wanted to try to know me better, because of the terror inside me that they, too, would die? They were Preventors. They risked their lives every day-

Or was it that I was so completely terrified of getting close and losing them... for my sake? If I lost either of them, even though we're still technically on bad terms, even as we were right now, at this instant-

I would break. I would die if I lost those I loved.

I had brought myself out here, all alone, into the cold horror of space, because it was safer than being with others. It wasn't their fault. It was mine. All mine.

"Oh, God," I whispered, right there in the middle of the street. Some kind soul pushed me out of their way, and I swayed precariously. I just barely made it into a small building and its restroom before collapsing right there on the floor of one of the stalls.

I couldn't lose them. That's what it was, wasn't it? I couldn't lose them. Even now, I couldn't lose any of them. If we got even closer, if we became close friends...

I couldn't. I just couldn't. I couldn't lose them.

I loved the both of them. Differently, in wholly separate ways. But I loved the both of them.

I felt the burn start in my eyes and wished I had the strength to push them away... but finally understanding oneself deserved at least a few tears, didn't it?

Even if boys didn't cry.

* * *

I was at my ship when Heero and Wufei caught up with me. She'd been repaired, as promised, and was her beautiful self again. She gleamed with a new paint and wax job. She seemed to be happy to see me. But maybe that was just my fanciful mind.

I heard them coming and turned to them, wary. I didn't know how to act or what to say. I didn't know yet whether I should try to get closer to them or get the fuck away from them while I still could.

"Duo." Wufei greeted me with a nod. Heero's eyes sharpened – he was apparently in range to see how red and puffy my eyes were. I had fixed the runny-nose problem and had studiously rubbed off the tear tracks, but not everything could be so easily solved.

Still, my heart felt a thousand times lighter, even as I saw a great burden ahead of me. It was so much better to know.

Wufei went past me to get on-board, since Une had said it would be a double-bluff with her ships around mine. Heero, of course, stopped before me. I beat him to the punch.

"You were wrong," I told him, effectively stopping him from speaking. When he cocked his head to the side, I expanded. "I found it on my own."

Heero's eyes lit a bit – understanding, curiosity, concern. My God, I could read him. So suddenly, so clearly it was almost terrifying. It was as if by seeing myself, I could now see others better. Or maybe it was because somewhere in there, I'd learned that trying to see Heero as a soldier would no longer work. He was more than that now. Somewhere in these three years, he found something more to himself. Just as I had, only he had found something better. He saw a beauty in himself that I couldn't find in me yet. But that was because of this huge fear I had. Surely Heero had a fear, too. After all, he was human.

"I see. But could you have seen it if you'd stayed alone?"

I shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe not. But I found it on my own."

"May I ask-"

"No." I hesitated. "At least, not yet."

Heero had a strange look to his face, as if he were trying to pull the knowledge from my brain just by the force of his gaze. I turned away from him and walked inside.

Demon's Wing was already synced up for the next launch. I ran through the usual checks and found a note from the Commander.

_Strike, Harlow has left a message for you._

"The fuck?"

"What?" Wufei came up to stand beside me. "What the...? Left you a message?"

I opened it and read quickly. "Arrogant bastard," I muttered, then read it again.

_I know you're looking for me, Strike. You messed up, and now you want to take me down. But can you? Do you know where I am? What I'm planning? But don't worry, Strike. I know exactly where you are. L2, right? But you're off by four if you want to find me. Get ready, Strike. We'll meet soon._

"Damn," Wufei breathed. "Arrogant is right. He's ready to take you on."

"My ass he is," I said, but I was worried. Right after I find out just what these two mean to me, just how important everyone was to me, I was leading them straight into hell. It was in me to order them the fuck off my ship.

"What is it?"

Heero had just entered the room. Wufei turned to explain the little note and its implications.

Jesus. How could I possibly do this? I loved Heero, I cared for Wufei. Both of them were two of the strongest humans on the planet, but that wouldn't save them from bullets. I was leading them into very grave danger. Even as Preventors, they shouldn't have to face this shit.

"Dammit," I whispered. "Dammit! I'll kill that motherfucker!"

When I launched, Drowning Pool had bodies hitting the floor.

* * *

It was hours later that I was seriously bothered by Heero the Inquisitive, and it was after Wufei had moved to start supper.

I was still at the controls, playing with the music. Did I want to listen to Disney music, which sometimes held a couple nasty surprises, or did I want to listen to just rock music? For now I turned on my Nickelback music and jammed up the volume a bit.

"Duo?"

I turned to see Heero coming towards me. He caught himself on the co-pilot's seat, but he didn't try to sit down in it. "Yeah?"

He hesitated again. What the hell? But then I remembered that we were back in my ship. He could very well be girding himself up to asking me about the damn poems again.

"Fuck," I muttered. "Just spit it out, Yuy. The worst you could do is piss me off, right?"

"It's about Quatre."

"The hell?" I stood without thought, vaguely alarmed. "What about him? Has something happened?"

"No, nothing like that," Heero was quick to reassure. But somehow the hesitation in his gaze shifted just a bit. This time I couldn't recognize the subtle change. It was something new, something that had never been there before, during the war. I couldn't quite decipher it, and he covered it up far too quickly. "It's just... out of the four of us, he was the only one you told. But you knew Wufei and I were at Preventors, right? You weren't surprised when we entered Une's office."

Shit, he really was dissecting me.

"I knew you were there," I told him, "but the day I told Quatre was the day I saw Wufei there for the first time."

Heero was silent for a moment before he spoke again. "Did seeing me... change your decision in any way?"

"I'd already decided." Not really answering the question.

"Dammit."

It was so sudden I almost jumped. His tone was both frustrated and pleading, and so totally open that I was unable to form any sort of coherent response. Thankfully, Heero continued.

"I don't understand you. I know what the others would say here, but not you. Why? Why are you so... so impossible?"

I didn't know whether to laugh or scream. "If I were impossible, I wouldn't exist."

Heero almost seemed to growl. "I understand that I haven't had as much time to get to know you as I have the others-"

"Are you kidding me, Heero? Surely you jest. Did you forget the months that we fought beside one another? 'Cause I thought we had plenty of time to get to know one another then."

Heero's face twisted, and I saw the unmistakable flash of regret there. "I didn't try to get to know much about you then."

"I noticed," I said dryly. "So why are you trying so hard now?"

"Because you're one of us," Heero replied instantly.

Wrong answer.

"No." I switched the song to 'Saving Me.' "There's the four of you: the leader, the warrior, the peacekeeper, and the nice guy. You all make up the team."

"The head, the muscles, the ligaments, the heart?" Heero asked with irony.

"Sure." I shrugged. "However you look at it. You're all parts, and you fit together as a whole."

"But you're wrong," Heero murmured. "Seeing it from your view, I suppose you would be the... the joker, at least partially. Or perhaps..." He shook his head. "But in mine, you are always the nerve. In you we see everything more clearly, understand more fully. Only with you can the desires we have come alive."

"Uh-huh." Odd, but his words brought me a sort of solace. I wanted to believe it. "Look, Heero, I don't know what you're trying to accomplish here, but-"

"Neither do I." Heero sighed. "I just don't want you to disappear again after this."

I stopped my breath from changing, but that didn't stop my heart from beating double-time. "You're making the assumption that we'll all make it out of this alive." I kept my tone light.

"We will." Heero's tone sharpened. "We're Gundam pilots. Nothing will take us down if we work together."

I sighed. "Sure." But if anything happened that would mean working alone would mean only my death, I would go it alone.

Heero seemed to see some of this in my eyes. "I mean it, Duo. No more Lone Ranger."

"Lone Ranger? Since when have you known about those sorts of things?"

Heero smiled. "I always wanted to learn ridiculous things."

I laughed, surprised. "Really? So you know Zorro?"

Heero nodded. "With his rapier and cape?"

"Yeah. I always wanted to try that – cutting a Z into an enemy's ass."

Heero shocked the hell out of me and laughed. "And have his flowered boxers show?"

I nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah. Or maybe cut his fly and have his pants fall down."

Heero chuckled again. It was a miraculous sound, and it disappeared far too quickly for my liking. "See what I mean, Duo? Only you could take a conversation that's becoming dangerously depressing and make everyone laugh. But did you know – your eyes never change?" Heero's eyes were carefully assessing my surprised reaction. "I never took the time to notice before, but your eyes don't light up."

My breath caught oddly.

Suddenly Wufei called through from the galley, announcing that supper was ready.

Heero nodded decisively. "He may be leading us into a trap, you know. Harlow."

"I know." A safe topic change, at least. "But we have nothing else to go on." My fault, of course: the mansion had held most of the plans of each underworld leader. The bastard had gotten me to destroy the only evidence we had as to his potential whereabouts.

The music was on 'If Everyone Cared' now. "Yes. But this time, we're all going to go down together."

A reference to him leaving me topside. "It ended up being for the best that we were separate." A reference to my own plans.

Heero recognized the reference instantly. "Not this time," he warned.

I shrugged. "We'll see, won't we?"

"Hey!" Wufei shouted. "Get in here!"

"Yes, Mom!" I called, and left with Heero's beautiful eyes burning laser beams into my back.

* * *

I leaned my head back and stared at the star-speckled ceiling of my room. Things were about to heat up big-time. The enemy has been toying with us this far, playing us. Harlow had a plan, and we were about to walk right into it. I didn't have a choice – it was my mission.

Of course, Heero and Wufei would be thinking the same thing. But I knew something very important about myself: I would break if something happened to either of them.

Useless to run from them. I smiled at my own stupidity. I'd run for a variety of reasons, but mostly because I was afraid, and when I was scared I ran and hid. With Deathscythe, I'd felt confident enough to jump into impossible situations. Or had I simply not cared? Had I, like Heero, been testing the limits? I kept calling myself Shinigami, calling down the potential wrath of the real one. But nothing had happened to me. I was still here, still perfectly fine. For now.

When it came to physical safety, I usually jumped at the chance to face it down. But in other areas of my life, I slunk off and hid in a corner. Pathetic.

I sighed and looked to the wall. The red letters bled together, forming their own little secrets. With another sigh, I stretched and slipped into sleep.

And dreamt of leading an angel with beautiful blue eyes down into the depths of Hell.


	10. Overburdened

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. Duh.

Note: A special thanks to the reviewers on , especially those who have made a point of letting me know they've checked out my site. Also: thanks to Lonely_Walker, who left me a beautiful (and long, thanks!) review about how much he or she likes my story. You're the reason I'm getting into this again so quickly, when the story has been seeming to slow down.

* * *

Sub Rosa

Chapter Nine

Overburdened

* * *

L6.

I had never been there before. It was unusual now, when I'd traveled through the stars so much these past years, to not be heading somewhere familiar. Still, I couldn't help but be immensely glad that I was no longer in L2. That nightmare, at least, was behind me.

Still...

I sat at the cockpit, viewing the endless void. Funny how at one point I had looked at that darkness and wondered if that was all I was. Now I knew so much more, even as I still understood so little. I knew some secret parts of me that had never shown themselves so plainly before. I understood now many pieces of myself that I hadn't understood before.

But still, as I looked back on my initial fears, those I'd been afraid to look at again since, I saw even more. On this last ride before we entered that trap that inevitably awaited us, I could see just a little more. But there was nothing I could do.

I fiddled with my music, not knowing what I wanted to listen to. Heero had left me some precious me-time, and Wufei was doing only God-knew-what. Probably looking at my poems. Shit, the two of them were probably looking at them together. What a pain in the ass.

Still, a part of me wanted to do the same.

Finally I was beginning to see me, the real me. The only thing was that there was nothing to be proud of. I was an emotional coward and, worse, the worst thing I'd ever seen ever: I was depressed.

How pathetic was that? Was Heero depressed? Was Wufei? Trowa? Quatre? No. The last two were so sapfully happy it could make a person barf. I was thrilled for them, really I was. But the oozing joy was just nauseous to hear. Or maybe that was because I was the exact opposite. Surely red thought green was disgusting and vice-versa.

Or maybe that just didn't make any sense whatsoever.

I glared at my music. What the hell could I play that wasn't stupidly happy and not exceedingly depressing?

Not Disturbed. Not Disney. Not Shinedown. Not Trivium. Not Evanescence.

Wait. Trivium? Battle music? Should I listen to that?

I began a mental argument over the merits of playing battle music when I was depressed, and finally discarded it. What a totally Shinigami thing to do.

I glared back down at the music after a moment. Which one? Which one? Nickelback was out. Pink? But I wasn't in the mood, and she had a couple nasty surprises, as well.

"Duo?"

Uh-oh. Me-time over.

"Yeah?" I turned in my seat to face Wufei, whose head was poking into the room.

"I'm just checking in. You haven't had any music playing for a while."

"Yeah. Dunno what I want to listen to." I shrugged.

Of course, Heero had to enter the conversation at that point. "May we pick?"

Oh. Well that would be dangerous. "The hell? You listen to my sort of music?"

Wufei snorted. "Maxwell, you have no 'sort.' You listen to everything."

"Do not," I sputtered indignantly. "I do not listen to bluegrass or rap." I tried to think of something else I never listened to.

"Wufei, it's the lyrics," Heero said quietly, and served to shut me up. "Duo, I would like to listen to that song."

"That..." I trailed off as I realized what he was talking about. Wilson Phillips' "You're In Love." I shook my head vehemently. "No."

"Then in exchange, you'll tell us what one of your poems means."

"The fuck?" I stood then. "What the hell are you playing at? How about I throw you out-bound and wish you the best o' luck?"

Wufei and Heero seemed momentarily stunned speechless. "Duo?" Wufei asked tentatively.

I took a calming breath. Dammit. This wasn't me, was it? No, and I knew it. The real me was always calm, right?

No, dammit, that wasn't me, either. So what was?

I closed my eyes and tried to see things without the tint of the Jester or Shinigami. Right now, I am upset and confused. I don't know what they want or why the want it. All I know is that we are moving towards what could be an increasingly dangerous situation and these two were trying to tear me apart when I needed to be fully pieced together for this. I had to be able to think logically when we landed on L6 and this wasn't helping. I was frustrated and scared.

"No. If you want to do this shit, wait." I opened my eyes and saw their faces twisted into odd shapes. I almost laughed.

"Duo, we've waited years to be able to see you. We'll take whatever time we have." Heero's voice was cold again, as if he were trying to force me into his way of thinking.

How could the man be like this and be so kind, as well? What was wrong with him? Why did he switch off-

My God. He's just like me.

It stopped me for a moment, being able to see that. Was I not the only one who had this problem of fighting between selves? Why was Heero switching between the two of them – and why did he seem so comfortable with it?

I shook my head, trying to clear it. Wufei must have seen that as a rejection. "Maxwell, we can only see so much. It's your voice, and only you can fully explain it to us."

I sighed in utter defeat. "What poem?" I asked. My voice sounded weary.

Wufei hesitated then, so Heero bulldozed in. "It starts with 'Every Waking Second.'"

"That's it's name," I confirmed, then began to recite from memory:

-

_"Every waking second_

_Demands payment for redemption_

_Do you feel the agony's mention_

_Of the living and the lows?_

_-  
_

_Can you hear the whisper_

_Of the hatred of remission_

_Of the screaming for perdition_

_The raging hate that battles blow?_

_-  
_

_I scream for all the wounded_

_For the loss of those who crooned it_

_For the wishing for the meaning_

_And the cries of one who knows._

_-  
_

_Do you know the screaming_

_And the second's little meaning_

_And the hope of those left living_

_And are you now one who knows?"_

_-  
_

It seemed they didn't know whether to be impressed or disturbed. I laughed at them. "I wrote it," I reminded them. I just didn't let them know that "Every Waking Second" had taken my interest, as well. Before, I'd been too afraid of it's meaning to accept that it was speaking about me. But somehow it's all been ripped open and laid bare, as if a flash of light illuminated the mess that was my mind, and now I could see better than when I'd just been stumbling blindly in the dark, ever scared that I would bump into a boogeyman.

I couldn't be afraid of myself any longer, could I? Running from myself had to be the stupidest thing anyone could ever do. My entire reason for coming out here was to see the real me. I had to do it, no matter what. I could rebuild myself, couldn't I? Except this time it would be the real me.

The real me, dammit. I wanted to be real.

"Yes, well," Wufei stammered. "We understand parts of it."

"The third stanza is the simplest," Heero said. "We've been there."

I jolted a bit. "What?" The usual stupid response.

"'I scream for all the wounded,'" Heero quoted. "That refers to the emotional scars. 'Those who crooned it' are those who killed themselves. 'The meaning' refers to the meaning of life, which all those who hurt are trying to understand. 'One who knows' is someone who has felt that pain."

My eyes were wide as golf balls.

"Wufei seemed now able to pick up the conversation. "The stanza after that is understandable, as well. 'Know the screaming' means understanding the words – or better, understanding the pain that is never spoken or shown. 'The second's little meaning' refers to how difficult it is to continue from one minute to the nest-"

"Wait, wait," I stuttered, cutting them off. "The hell? How do you know this – and what the hell kind of questions do you have?" They understood it all so well... what the fuck was going on? That poem had taken me a while... how long had they been out there picking the fucking thing apart?

Heero sighed. "It's the first two stanzas that we don't quite understand. The mechanics are simple enough, of course – the first two lines, saying that every second is a sort of torture to gain salvation, and the payment is the pain you have to deal with. 'The agony's mention of the living and the lows' is where we start losing understanding."

I shook my head, trying to clear it. "What the hell? This doesn't matter-"

"The hell," Wufei said vehemently. "This poem tells us more than any other exactly how you feel, in a general way. It tells us that you're feeling just as we did."

"Enough." Nothing pissed off someone holding a pity party for themselves faster than someone saying they've been there. "What are you talking about?"

"At first, when the war ended," Wufei admitted quietly, "I didn't see a purpose to my existence. That's why I joined Maremaia's group. I saw my existence as a warrior and nothing else. Heero helped me understand what I had lost sight of – that I was a warrior for peace, not for the sake of fighting."

I was highly disturbed. Wufei never spoke about himself like this. What was going on?

Heero stood beside Wufei, offering him a subtle warmth of comfort. I felt something indefinable crack. Then Heero turned those beautiful eyes on me and made that something break. His eyes were determined... hard.

Without thought, I did the only thing I could do – I escaped. "I need a drink." I pushed off to the hallway, leaving them no chance to catch me and drag me back.

* * *

I skipped the drink, since only alcohol would help me at this point, and slipped into my room.

I wanted Harlow to attack. I wanted forty battleships ganging up on my Wing's ass. That's what I wanted. That way I could fully escape what had just occurred.

Jesus. Wufei had split himself open to reveal something that was, purely and simply, none of my business. Why had he done it? Just to prove a point? Wufei _never_ opened himself like that. Never. Never ever.

Then again, looking at it, Heero never gave a damn about the logistics of a person's psychoses, either. Both were out of character.

Or maybe... maybe, for the first time, they were _in_ character.

God. I was thinking about this like it was a story or something. It was _life_. My life. And it was slipping right out of my control, as usual.

I covered my face with my hands and willed the world to just stop for minute.

And a knock sounded on my door.

I growled.

"Duo." It was Heero, of course. The man had a not-a-good-time radar that demanded he bother me at the perfectly wrong time.

"Go away," I snarled.

"Look." I could swear I heard him sigh, even through that thick metal door. "I know you don't want to hear it, but we've all been where you are right now. It's not that we managed to move on quicker because we're stronger. It's because we lent each other our strength that we got through."

Well. Not only had he hit a couple nails on their heads, he'd also fully managed to make a clichéd line sound damn good. Maybe it was that sexy voice of his.

"It doesn't matter," I whispered. Because I couldn't let it matter.

"Duo, open up."

Yeah, right. Like I would do that. The bastards had dissected enough poems. And Lord forbid I allow them to dissect me.

"Duo." The voice sounded so sad. It tugged at those broken shards that cut at me. "What can I say to make you understand?"

I closed my eyes. I had seen the two of them stand side-by-side. They shared that couple-communication that needed no words and managed to irritate those uninvolved in the process. And here Heero was, unable to speak his thoughts to me.

I wanted it to stop hurting. I needed it to.

"I understand," I said, and heard a strange hitch in my voice. I willed it away. "It's not like I'm stupid, Heero. I understand."

Heero hesitated.

"I'm not oblivious," I continued. "I know what that poem means."

"That's not-" Heero began vehemently, then stopped himself. He seemed to take a moment to calm himself.

My eyes opened in wonder. Had I just made the infallible Heero Yuy lose his temper?

"Duo, that's not... dammit. At least explain those last parts."

The hell? "What the hell are you pushing this for?"

Silence. "I don't know." This time the sigh was in the sentence itself.

I thought about it all for a moment. Whatever they wanted, I suppose I should at least give it to them. I had the feeling that I would be disappearing soon, leaving them on their own. I could at least give them this.

Was I a masochist, a fool, or a martyr?

"'Do you feel the agony's mention / Of the living and the lows?'" I repeated the second part of the first stanza from pure memory. "Do you understand the agonizing pain of living and or with depression?"

Heero was silent for a long time, and didn't seem ready to speak yet. So I continued.

"'Can you hear the whisper / Of the hatred of remission.' Can you hear the whisper of the hatred of forgiveness. It goes two ways: the forgiver can never fully forgive, and forgives mostly to try to settle their own heart. The forgiven feels that they may not deserve to be forgiven. 'Of the screaming for perdition' means 'Of the screaming for damnation. The forgiven wants to be damned, because he can only see eternal punishment as a way to be truly forgiven. 'The raging hate that battles blow' refers to the battles one has within oneself." I closed my eyes again. "What part of that didn't you understand?"

Heero finally spoke. "Your tone."

"Tone?" I repeated, suddenly confused.

"Yes. When you recited the poem, you had a certain tone." Heero's voice sounded... strange. He was cooking something up in that head of his, and I had no doubt that I wasn't going to like it.

"Heero, what the hell are you talking about?" I demanded.

And then he made those shards shatter. "I need to talk to Wufei about this."

I almost laughed, but I knew it would sound slightly hysterical. "Sure. Go ahead." I waited a few minutes, but heard nothing more.

Only then did I clutch my chest and ride out the waves of agony.

* * *

I was safely ensconced in my room, wondering when it would be just as safe to leave and grab some food, when my alarms rang.

"Fuck!" I raced out of my room and to the cockpit. Heero came out of the galley, where he'd most likely been waiting to pounce on me, and Wufei came from inside his room. He let go of his book to let it float through the hallway. I recognized Faulkner with a quick flash of a smile.

The scanners were showing a fucking fleet of ships, all ready to welcome my little Wing. I caught a quick breath and slowly let it out.

"Shit."

I turned on my battle music and raced through my inventory. My little deliveryman had come in secretly, unknown to Heero and Wufei, to bring the weapons I'd gotten and hook a few up. It was illegal, so I hadn't wanted them to know.

Well, now they would know.

I called up scans and turned on the weapons system. He'd given me a lot, the useful bastard. But I couldn't do it. I would have to fly, and someone else...

I glanced at the co-pilot's seat and felt something lurch.

Oh. My heart.

I switched the logs to one side and the weapons to another. I wouldn't ever have someone in that seat. Never again would someone become so close to me. Never again would I rely on someone for anything, nor show them I cared for them. I wouldn't put anyone else in danger.

My hands trembled.

"Maxwell! You have weapons hooked up?"

Shit. What the hell was Wufei doing, checking shit out over my shoulder?

Then I distantly heard the snapping of buckles. Heero sailed into my peripheral view and grabbed onto the co-pilot's seat.

"No!" I snapped.

"Don't be ridiculous, Duo! You can't do this all by yourself!"

Fucking hell, I knew that! "I said no, Heero Yuy!"

"Fuck that!"

I turned in surprise to see Heero seating himself in that accursed seat and buckling himself in. "Heero-"

Heero turned on me. "I don't know what your problem is, but right now you need a partner!"

I felt myself freeze, just as a warning came that the enemies were now close enough to fire. I turned from him and made a swift turn. I saw my screen lose the weapons logs.

I felt panic overcome me.

No. No. Heero had been my partner before, right? Technically. And he'd survived. It was all in my head. All in my head.

Oh God.

I clenched my hands, then wiped off the sweat. I didn't have time for this. Once again, I needed to bring out Shinigami in order to keep these guys alive. I needed to stay focused. Hadn't I told myself a thousand times that I couldn't lose these guys?!

My eyes glazed over. When I took the controls again, my hands were dry.

"Fine." I twisted the ship to the right. "Just don't miss."

"Roger that."

I smiled. There he was, the Heero I knew.

They weren't idiots with their machinery. Harlow wasn't on them, that I knew. But Harlow also hadn't held back. It reminded me sharply of when I was with Deathscythe, when I had to go against entire battalions on my own.

But I'd been able to do it.

This wasn't that much different. Only now I only had to worry about flying. It was like a two-man Gundam. Easier.

Another twist, then a beautiful little beam lanced the space, taking down one of the enemies.

I spun my Wing through a left corkscrew, then beamed it to the right. And Heero took down another one.

It was strange to be able to see the movements so perfectly, to know where all of the enemies would fire. They had to have logistics from the last battle, because they tried to aim for the sides of the ship. They thought a human was out-bound again. A small part of me took the time to be thankful that there wasn't.

Wufei switched through my music, seemingly unconcerned with the battle. Instead he switched to those I shouted for – Die Motherfucker Die, I Fucking Hate You, Kill You, Ready To Die. Then he started shouting observations.

"Yuy, nine o-clock!" "Maxwell, three on your back!"

And two more lit up the sky.

I counted twelve more on my radar and double-checked it with Heero without even thinking about it.

"Affirmative."

And I felt my heart flip for one short second. This man wasn't a mirage. He was still the one man I had ever loved, and the one man I ever would.

"Great. Kill them off, would you?" I smiled insanely. "Hey, 'Fei – Meaning Of Life."

"Got it." There was a rueful smile in that response, I could swear it.

I gave a war whoop when it came on and dove through the enemy line. Heero shot off a round that took out two at once. Another war whoop was in order.

The little baddies scattered, trying to take us by surrounding us. I did a few dancing flips, and Heero took out a few more.

"Fire at five," Wufei stated. "Eleven, as well."

I smiled. "Two in one," I muttered, and dove. The two hit one another. One blew up, the other lost its balance and flew straight into its neighbor. "Damn," I said with relish, "_three_ in one."

Heero said nothing, just took out another one in the confusion that stirred. I laughed and flew toward an opening straight ahead of us. Heero took out another.

And then they were behind us, and Heero picked them off like weeds.

"I wonder if that was supposed to have stopped us," Wufei mused.

"Based on the information they had before this, it would have been reasonable to assume such," Heero stated, logging down the weapons.

I said nothing, only closed my eyes and leaned my head back and soaked in the newest song, Violence Fetish. Then I shuddered.

Wing gave me the all-clear, and I reset the alarms.

"So do you think he'll have more waiting for us?" Wufei continued.

"It would be foolish to think otherwise."

Yes. That was Heero for you.

I stood. I had to get back to my room quickly. Before I lost my control.

"Duo, wait." Heero unbuckled and stood before me, easily barring my way. Another reason to hate that damn co-pilot's seat.

"I'm tired," I whined petulantly.

Heero seemed to fight a smile. "Why didn't you want me in this seat?"

Not fair. I was too high-strung to be pleasant on this issue. "I don't like it. So get out."

Heero frowned. "It's not like you to be so-"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Don't-Make-Assumptions, but who are you to be telling me what I'm like? I'll bet you I already know fairly well." Or at least now I do.

Heero seemed to study me for a short second. "Then explain to me why."

"Uh-uh." I shook my head. "I'm tired. Outta the way." I shooed him with a hand.

Again, that strange twitching took over his lips. "No. Explain."

"Bite me," I muttered.

"Maxwell, I would also like to know." Wufei went to stand beside Heero.

Double-teaming bastards. "No. Sleep."

Heero sighed. "Won't you compromise?"

"Won't you bugger off?" I waved at them. "Go. Away. I want to sleep." I was already on an emotional high before this shit started, after all.

"Duo-"

"_Bed._" And I sailed off to my room.


	11. Want

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. Duh.

Note: To snowdragonct, yes, I absolutely love Sunhawk. She's the one who got me interested in fanfiction and, more specifically, 1x2. I'm actually a bit afraid that this story has quite a few qualities of Sunhawk's Ion Arc. Please know, everyone, that the story's mine! Thank you. And this chapter's dedicated to snowdragonct...

* * *

Sub Rosa

Chapter Ten

Want

* * *

Dinner was a ration bar, eaten alone in the middle of the "night." The lights were low, and my Night music was playing, basically slow music from old games or television shows. Right now it was actually a classical song, one of Beethoven's lesser known works. It often soothed.

But I couldn't be soothed yet.

No. Right now I needed to take inventory.

I couldn't ignore the fact that everything had been a thousand times easier when I'd just given in and allowed them to help. Just as I had to admit that they could take care of themselves.

Dammit, I didn't know what to do. I didn't have the time to choose. I was being thrust through something barely understandable, a place I'd never been in before. Before, during the war, I'd had a hideaway inside myself, and I hadn't needed to worry about any of this. Loving Heero meant nothing because I was nothing and he cared for nothing. I had been the Jester and Shinigami and nothing more. There had been nothing worth worrying about.

But now, there was so much more.

Dammit, Heero was stronger than me, and so was Wufei. I was being overprotective, wasn't I? I had to have faith in them, right?

But how could I, when I didn't know them at all anymore?

I reached in instinctively for a drink, not knowing what I grabbed, and rested it against my forehead.

"It would be better if you had liquor."

I turned slowly to face Heero. Didn't these bastards have something better to do with themselves? "I'm a pilot. That wouldn't be a good idea."

"One of us could pilot," Heero offered, but stopped when I hissed at him.

"No." _Go away,_ I added silently.

"Duo, what is your problem?"

I almost laughed. "You know," I mused aloud, "it's strange, but I want to ask you the same question. You've changed. You aren't Heero anymore. Now you're..." I shifted for the right words, "almost human."

Heero seemed stunned. "Almost human?"

"Yeah. Before you were like a robot. Didn't you notice? Always 'hn'-ing and 'yessir'-ing and saying things like 'affirmative' and 'understood.' It's strange that you hardly ever do that now, and you're obsessed with finding out more about me. It's not like you."

Oddly enough, I hadn't meant to open my big mouth at all.

Heero seemed to grow sad. "Actually, it is like me."

I opened my mouth, then stopped. We were only another day from our destination. We needed our mind's clear. We couldn't afford to open up any wounds that may still be bleeding by the time we landed. "It's no big deal," I said breezily. "I was just airing my thoughts on the subject. Like old laundry, I guess. Only dusty, not-"

"Duo."

His tone was quiet, but still sort of commanding. I found myself shutting up.

"This isn't like you, either. You always laughed. For some reason, I expected you to be the same – an idiot. You proved me wrong immediately, snapping at us about our luggage. And when I have seen you smile, a few rare occasions, they aren't real. Why?" And now he seemed to be talking to himself. "Why the hell didn't I ever notice it?"

I was unable to respond, shocked by the tone in his voice. Berating, condescending, angry. He was angry with himself for not having seen? I held up my hands as if to ward off a madman. "Whoa, jeez, Heero, it's no big deal. No one noticed, remem..." But I stopped when I once again realized just what the hell I was saying.

I wanted to be found, but wanted to stay hidden. I didn't want anyone to understand, but I wanted to be understood. I was a contradiction.

But I wanted Heero to see, without me showing him a thing.

"Duo."

How could hearing him say my name make my pulse jump? "How did we get to this? We were talking about you, dammit. How did you weasel out of that?"

Heero shook his head. "This isn't working. Why the hell isn't it working?"

He was talking to himself, but he still managed to irritate me. "Why isn't _what_ working? What is this, an experiment?"

"_No,"_ Heero snapped fiercely. "No, of course not! I..." Now it was Heero who was unable to speak what he thought. But why?

"Okay, okay, fine!" I held up my hands again, this time feeling as if something was pressed to my chest. Was Heero hurting because he couldn't understand me? Why? It made no sense. He wasn't making any sense! Heero _always_ made sense!

"Dammit." He whirled back to me, and his eyes were steady and controlled. The Perfect Soldier. I recognized him immediately. "Tell me. Who's that poem for?" I knew immediately which one he was talking about – _Forgive These Broken Wings_. "Why is there no alcohol? Why don't you want anyone in the co-pilot's seat? Why – why do you fake laughing so much? And why don't you trust us, even slightly?"

I took an involuntary step back at that one – talk about left field. His eyes zeroed in on my movements.

But oddly enough... I felt safer. Calmer. _This_ was the Heero Yuy that I knew. Somehow, this man had been the one I'd fallen in love with. But why? It couldn't be the way he'd acted, because he'd been a complete bastard for the longest time. Was it this – the fact that this man wasn't the real him? Had I always known it? But what had I seen that had made me fall?

I didn't notice it, but my body completely relaxed for the first time in days. Heero must have seen, though, because his eyes widened just a bit.

I _recognized_ it. With everything I was, I recognized Heero's reaction. Surprise. But there was a flicker of something else, a flicker of the real him, the him beneath the mask he himself wore – worry. It was worry. I almost wept for realizing it.

I knew this man.

"Duo..."

And I smiled. Just like that. "Yeah?"

And the mask broke. I felt myself tense up again, and was surprised to find that I'd relaxed at all.

But Heero strode to stand right before me. The bastard had grown. I was a short American, at a mere five-nine. This guy had grabbed an inch on me. At least Wufei was my height.

"What..." Heero seemed to be struggling with something. "You relaxed," he breathed in awe. "You relaxed, for the very first time. Why? When I'm... _no_ one relaxes when I..."

I had to back away; the scent of his skin was short-circuiting my brain. "I..." How could I explain without giving everything away? "It's more... understandable."

Heero seemed to let those words soak in, as if he were trying to sift through the words to find the hidden meanings. Or maybe he just couldn't understand.

"Think about it," I pressed. "Wouldn't it be easier if I were..." Couldn't say 'The Jester'... "the laughing idiot again?"

Heero seemed to twitch. "I... suppose."

I shrugged. "Well, it's the same basic thing with me. When you're like that, you're more like the old Heero." Funny, but I hadn't understood the old Heero, either.

"I... see."

He seemed to be struggling with the whole issue.

"Would... you feel better... if..."

I frowned sharply. "If this is you, stay this way. I won't make you change." Why the hell would he ask me that? Was he really so willing to give up something so inherently fragile? "Being you isn't something you should take away from yourself."

Heero's hand twitched, as if wondering whether to move or not. "You said you've found yourself."

"Maybe not all of me." But I shook my head. "No."

"Dammit, Duo, how the hell am I supposed to help-"

"I didn't ask for help," I hissed. "I didn't ask for anything."

"You never do."

I felt my breath freeze. Why was he doing this? Why the hell was he doing this to me? "It's none of your business!"

"Duo, you're getting defensive."

"Wouldn't you be?" I snapped. "Some guy you haven't seen in years is suddenly trying to-" _Break me._ He's trying to break me.

"I need to know what you're thinking. How else can we talk through this?"

Heero sounded frustrated, I noted. "We don't _have_ to talk through this. Just let it go. Leave it alone. It's none of your-"

"Business, yes, you already said that."

I snapped open my bulb and took a harsh sip. Dammit. It was just orange juice. "I don't need anyone dissecting me, and I don't care if you volunteered for the job or not. It's not an open position."

"Duo, I'm not..." Heero let out a sharp breath. "I just want to understand you."

I grabbed my head. I would _not_ say anything else without thinking about it first. I would not. "_Why?_" Damn. I hadn't meant to ask that so plaintively.

"Because... dammit, Duo, you're one of us."

Again, that damnable answer. "No, I'm not. I never was, Heero, and you damn well know it."

"Don't be stupid, Duo," Heero snapped. "You were the one to get us all together."

"No, that was Quatre and Tro-"

"Dammit, it was you! Whenever we fell apart, you hooked us back together again, whether we wanted to be a team or not. You kept dragging me with you everywhere, making me give up my isolation. Who stayed with Quatre and drove off his loneliness? Who always got Wufei out of his funks? Who got Trowa back to us? Who the hell got Quatre and Trowa together?"

I gaped. "The hell? I didn't do all that... well, I dragged you everywhere, yeah..." But that was for myself, my own selfishness. I just didn't want to lose sight of him.

"Quatre had been worried sick about everyone after the colonies were targeted, when we were all unofficially disbanded. You curbed his worry and staved off his loneliness. Wufei admitted that you were the one to take him out of his misery about his past, who always made him feel alive. Trowa had been living in fear of his unknown past when you finally found him in the circus and brought Quatre to him, the only person who could help him. And who helped Quatre through his feelings for Trowa? Who promised to go with him to the circus no matter when or where, so that Quatre wouldn't go alone, so that he'd have the chance to see Trowa whenever he could? When you left, Quatre's visits became more infrequent, but he'd continued going – _alone,_ Duo. Finally Trowa found out the change and decided that he would take his own chance, if only because he was afraid for Quatre."

"Well then, see? It's a good thing I left." It was strange to hear the entire story, though, when I'd known the two of them to be officially together for over two years.

Heero shook his head. "Trowa realized there was something more when you never came to talk to him after the shows but were always still there, waiting to take Quatre back. When you left and Trowa found out... it hadn't started well; Trowa yelled at Quatre for being reckless."

"He what?" I gasped. Trowa _never_ lost his cool. I don't think I'd ever heard him yell. It must have been horrible for Quatre, who loved him so very much, to be the only one to deal with Trowa's anger.

"That's right. He called Quatre a fool for coming alone, and where the hell was Duo?" Heero continued, his eyes searing into mine. "He raged at Quatre, and Quatre finally left in tears. To this day Trowa has never forgiven himself for it."

"My God," I murmured thoughtlessly. "What the hell happened to get them together?"

"Quatre kept going," Heero said quietly. "He just didn't talk to Trowa anymore."

He'd never told me. He'd never told me any of this. Because it was my fault?

I felt the weight of guilt crush me, almost taking me under. I'd hurt my friend. And badly.

"Neither of them blame you," Heero spoke now, his voice trying to soothe. "They know it was due to their own misconceptions. And everything turned out all right in the end, anyway."

"How could it?"

"Trowa said he still saw Quatre, that he'd been able to pick the blond out when the light wasn't too bright. In fear, he went up and told Quatre that it was too dangerous to come just to see a friend, and then kissed him."

It made me smile to hear it; that Trowa had put so much into that kiss – an admission, an apology, and a plea. And of course, Quatre had accepted all three.

"Good." Then I shrugged. "But would it have happened if I had continued going with Quatre? The two had stilted 'we-are-friends' conversations every single time. It may have never happened."

"At their little unofficial wedding, Quatre held a place of honor that was never taken, for the one he'd said had made it happen. Because without you, he never would have gone to begin with."

He had never said that, either.

I shook my head. "Enough. That's enough. We only have twenty-four hours until-"

"Dammit, Duo Maxwell, I'm making a point here!" Heero burst out. "Just shut the hell up and listen!"

I froze.

"We all depended on you in one way or another. Quatre as a close, dependable friend, Trowa as his rescuer, Wufei as his fire, and me... for me, you were the one who took away my loneliness."

"I..."

"Shut up," Heero said calmly. I couldn't have finished a coherent thought, anyway. "We all wanted you back, but Quatre only told us that you were off trying to find yourself and that he wouldn't bother you for any reason, because he felt your heart was hurting too much. We were growing frantic, Duo. We'd put up searches for you – useless, of course, since you had Une herself seal all your records from Preventor eyes. We never would have found you. Do you have any idea how worried we were? _Are?_" Heero raked a hand through his hair. "And here you are, finally, and I don't know what the hell to do with you, and I feel like if I don't manage to get through to you in time you'll disappear again. So you're right – I only have twenty-four hours. Twenty-four hours, and then when this damn mission is over, I'll either have you back or I'll lose you all over again – and this time... this time, I know I won't be as lucky."

My mind had frosted over.

"Don't you understand?" His tone was desperate. So very desperate. "I _can't_ lose you again. I won't!"

"I..." What could I say to that, when his heart seemed to be right there in his voice?

"I was a fool!" he continued. "I kept telling everyone to follow their emotions, but I couldn't even do it for myself. Not on what was truly important. And even now, I..." Heero seemed to glance toward the cockpit, where that poem lay. "It doesn't matter," he murmured, and he was once again speaking to himself.

"I... your loneliness?" I whispered. I had done all that? While being nothing more than a fake?

But those things he spoke of... those were things that had affected _me_ in some way. Heero had been everything to me, and Quatre and I had become close through our worry and... well, I don't really know how we got together, but we clicked. Trowa was important to me because he was a loyal friend who I didn't need to be anything around, and he meant everything to Quatre, and Wufei was just for fun and turned into a challenge... I had had fun fighting him on so many issues, and had even laughed sometimes just because...

But still... I hadn't done anything... I wasn't as important as Heero was making me to be... was I?

"Yes," Heero said, answering my stuttered question. "I had thought that it was right for me to be alone. I couldn't be human, not if I wanted to be victorious. It was a weakness to become close to other people. That's what I was taught, and I thought it was true. Wouldn't it be easier?"

I hissed without thought. Damn J.

Heero caught the sound and smiled. "I hadn't even realized the wall I'd put around myself. I didn't know I was scary to others, unapproachable. But... you approached me."

"I shot you," I clarified.

"Yes. So weren't you my enemy? But you saved me. I... I've never understood why."

I hadn't either, at first. All I'd known was that I _had_ to go rescue him, and to hell with common sense. He'd been a pilot like me, so I figured at the time that I wanted to learn more about him and keep any knowledge he had a secret. But then... I realized I'd made all those reasons _after_ I had set up the rescue operation.

I couldn't have been in love then. There was no such thing as love at first sight. I hadn't even loved Father Maxwell at first sight. But...

"Yeah, me either, in all honesty," I admitted sheepishly. "I dunno why, but I just felt like I had to go get you."

Heero's eyes sharpened just a bit. "You don't know?"

Well, I had a fairly good idea now, but those words were never passing these lips. They were taboo. "Nope."

"You're lying."

"Only partly," I admitted. I threw him a quirky grin. "I never lie completely."

Heero frowned.

"Still trying to dissect me, Heero?" I asked.

"Yes." He sounded about frustrated enough to maim. "And I can't."

"Uh-huh. Tell you what; I'll give you a hint." I held up one finger. "You'll never get it."

Heero's frown morphed to an outright scowl. "That's it? _That's_ the hint?"

"Yup." I nodded. "Because it's true: you won't. And do you know why?"

"Why?"

"Because you can't see what's in plain sight, Heero Yuy. You're looking just a little bit too hard." And I left to retreat to my room, leaving my bulb floating in front of Yuy's face.


	12. Decadence

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. Duh.

* * *

Sub Rosa

Chapter Eleven

Decadence

* * *

After my once again dramatic exit, it was rather a pain to have to wake up to the most delicious smell ever.

I almost drooled.

Like Jerry the Mouse, I was drawn involuntarily to the galley, where I witnessed Wufei sail to another part of the room and grab some sealed eggs that I'd completely forgotten I had. Then he sailed back to the ship's stove. It was a complicated thing, so I hardly ever bothered with it. Or at least that was my excuse.

Wufei turned when I plucked out a bulb. I thought about the one I'd wasted, letting it float stupidly in front of Heero like a stuck yo-yo, and almost cackled. It wasn't here now; Heero must've sent it through the incinerator.

"Good morning, Duo," Wufei said.

I shot him a sharp look – good morning? What was Wufei up to? "Uh, yeah. 'Morning." I hated mornings.

"Heero caught you last night, I suppose."

I turned to him completely. He had returned to the stove, but his innocent act wasn't fooling me. I wanted to scream. So, it was his turn, was it?

"Yuy didn't sleep much, so he's resting now."

"Uh-huh." What the hell was I supposed to say to that? I had no reason to say anything.

"Duo, did he tell you anything?"

Well, that was a scary start. Wufei seemed to be waiting for something, like maybe Heero had admitted he had a third tit. "Like what?"

Wufei sighed. "I suppose not," he said. I was about sick of all the talking-to-oneself these two took part in. "Well, in that case..." He turned to me. It was the strangest thing to see Wufei holding some spatula-thing-y like a weapon while he glared hotly at me. I almost laughed. "Duo, we want you to come back with us after this."

"The hell?" I muttered. The hilarity of his position was still there, but its humor had dimmed. "What, you mean like arrest me? No, thank you." I knew damn well that wasn't what Wufei had meant.

"No, Duo." Wufei let out a long-suffering sigh. It seemed he knew I was deliberately misunderstanding him. He turned back to the food he was preparing. "That's not it."

I was a bit disturbed with all the first names Wufei was throwing. "All right, fine." I dropped the stupid act and leaned against the table. "How about just 'no', then?"

"Why?" Wufei asked.

Dammit, I wanted to rip my hair out by the roots. Would that pose enough of a distraction? I played with the idea for a moment before rejecting it. I liked my hair. "Because I don't want to." That sounded petulant. Shit.

Another sigh. "Could you be a bit more specific, Maxwell?" Wufei groused.

I grinned. There was the old Wufei. The nicey-nice act had to hit him hard. He always just went in for the kill. That was the kind of guy he was. Pussy-footing wasn't his style. "Whaddaya mean?" I asked sweetly.

"Maxwell," Wufei warned. "I am trying to be nice."

"I know. It's weird." I slurped at my bulb of grape juice and grinned at the bunching of Wufei's muscles.

"'Weird'?" Wufei echoed. "How so?"

"Well, it's not like you to play around."

Wufei was silent for a moment. "I see. That's astute of you, Maxwell."

"Yeah, well, you know me. I've just got pearls of wisdom stocked everywhere."

"Lost to the cobwebs," Wufei muttered.

I laughed. "How mean, Woo-Woo!" It was so easy to fall back into this, something I'd enjoyed before and had sorely missed these past days as Wufei showed a more companionable side. Or was it that he only argued like this with his companions? Either thought was rather sobering.

"Maxwell, I thought you'd gotten out of that habit." He sounded close to irritated, yet... amused, as well. That was new.

"But it sounds better," I whined.

"Maxwell, 'Woo-Woo' does not sound good at all."

I smiled. "Sure it does. Woo-Woo. Like a train, kinda. It doesn't make a 'chuh' sound, really, so why is it 'choo-choo'?"

"God, Maxwell, I will never follow your thoughts." Wufei poked at something before speaking again. "In any case, I want to speak to you about your disappearing acts and not your wayward thoughts."

Uh-oh. Back on-topic. That was Wufei, all right. "I didn't disappear, or at least not completely. I spoke to Quatre sometimes."

"Winner never told us what you said. Apparently you never mentioned us."

I laughed, but this one was more bitter than happy. "Of course not."

Wufei stilled completely. "Why?"

I squirmed. "What would I say?"

Wufei turned and looked me straight in the eye. "You could perhaps ask how we are doing sometimes, Maxwell."

"I got updates from Quatre without asking," I said without thought, "and sometimes Une would give me information."

Wufei slammed the spatula-thing down. "And did you not think that was unfair, Maxwell?" he snapped. I watched in shock. "Did you not think how we would feel, not knowing where you were or whether you were well?"

"I figured Quatre would tell you if he wanted."

"Is it not Yuy who says that assumptions lead to mistakes?"

"Hey, it was no mistake," I snapped right back. "If Quatre didn't want to tell you, that's his thing. It's not his usual MO, now is it? It's not my fault Quatre held back from you, okay!"

"So you want us to hate Winner?"

"What the fuck? I never said that!" I pushed myself up from my sitting position. "I never told you guys where I was or what I was doing because it was none of your fucking business! You had all disappeared – you especially, Wufei! No one knew where the fuck you were!"

"Quatre himself came to see me," Wufei hissed.

"Because I told him where you were!"

I snapped my mouth shut. Shit! I hadn't meant to say that. Hadn't I told Quatre not to tell Wufei that I'd been the one to find him? Shit!

Wufei gaped for a time before pulling his jaw back into position. "You?"

I shook my head. "Uh-uh. I just said that-"

"Son of a bitch!" Wufei roared. He turned from me and seemed to glare at the stove. "Son of a bitch," he said, quieter this time. "I thought it was Quatre... no, in a way it still was, but..."

"Um, what the hell are you talking about?" I asked.

"Yuy should hear this," Wufei muttered.

"Hey!" I called. "You wanna clue me in here?"

"Winner came to us and pulled us together to make us three a team again. Then Trowa came in, and we were four. Perhaps if he'd come for just Heero and found me... it would have been the same..."

A rumpled-looking Heero sailed into the room and took away the small amount of circuitry that had still been functioning in my brain.

Dammit, it wasn't fair for that man to look good with bed hair and sweatpants. I stared greedily at his naked chest and stomach and back. I forgot about the smells of breakfast.

Those sinewy muscles moved like liquid steel as he grabbed a bulb from inside the fridge. I watched those arms move as he popped the drink open. My God, those pecs...

"Yuy."

"Nn?"

That's right: Heero was as much of a morning person as I was.

"Did you know that Quatre had only known of my existence in the Preventors due to Maxwell's intervention?"

Heero threw me a sharp look. I tried to peel my eyes away from that chest long enough to look innocent of evil thoughts. "No, I didn't. Did he say that?"

"In the middle of a screaming match, so it's more likely to be true."

"I knew something had woken me up," Heero said dryly. But his second look was even more intense.

I scowled. So they knew of my bad habit of blurting shit out when I was upset or pissed. Great.

"I suppose it was most likely on a mission," Wufei continued.

"No. Quatre had told us that Duo had just left recently when he'd some to see us, and Black Strike arrived a week or two after that. Most likely Duo was doing work for Une before he was Black Strike."

"I was handing out information," I said with a sigh. I was tired of being talked around.

Wufei gave me a look. "What information?"

I tried to think back. "I dunno exactly what information it was. Smuggling, I think."

"We got a smuggling case just before Quatre came to us," Heero said grimly.

I almost laughed. It figured that Une would give my information to these two. It would serve her wacky humor perfectly. "Figures," I said with a snort. "That woman has a scary sense of humor." I shook my head. "She's crazy. Still the psycho Lady Une."

Wufei coughed. "Maxwell," he gasped, "she is your superior."

"Yeah, I know," I said with a suffering tone. "She's a real pain in the-"

"Maxwell!"

I laughed.

When the laughter in me quieted, I saw out of the corner of my eye the saddest look on Heero's face I'd ever seen. My smile disappeared immediately. But when I turned to him, he turned around and sailed out.

* * *

We were on-course. We would arrive in about fifteen hours. We would most likely be landing straight into the enemy's hands. I could only hope that we were the only ones who had been targeted with an army. Then again...

Dammit, Heero and Wufei were definitely together, in one way or another. But wasn't that okay? Wasn't that like Wilson Phillips' song? Shouldn't I be happy that he's happy? And besides, it wasn't as if I had any intention of coming out without a scrape or bruise, and even if I did...

I sat back and glared at my monitors. I wanted another fight, another battle. These two were killing me, stalking me right and left. After Heero's exit, I'd made a hasty retreat as well. We'd all eaten Wufei's delicious food, but we hadn't eaten together. Heero sailed back into the room he shared with Wufei, and Wufei had followed. The sense of a relationship between them seemed even stronger. I had eaten in the galley alone, then had saved the rest of the food and cleaned up. The two had never re-emerged.

Now here I was, back in the fucking cockpit and staring at nothing. My eyes turned to that poem on the wall. I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to accept the pain that beat hard inside me when I thought of Heero and Wufei together. I only had a few more hours. I had to get ready. I had to be strong.

I closed my eyes and wished I was alone. It was safer alone, even if it was so very quiet and lonely.

I hadn't realized I'd curled up into a ball until someone sat in the co-pilot's seat. My head snapped up like a shot.

Heero was watching me carefully.

I rearranged myself immediately. "Heero. What are you doing here?"

"Why do you curl yourself here in this chair? Wouldn't it be more comfortable on your bed?"

That was a fucking weird question. "Uh... it's kind of like Deathscythe."

Heero seemed surprised. "Deathscythe? That brings you comfort?"

"Didn't Wing bring you comfort?"

Heero looked ahead into the dark abyss of space. "Yes, I suppose so."

I looked into space, as well. Maybe I _was_ like space – not empty, but filled with so many things – asteroids, meteors, suns. Maybe I was like that, too. Vast and never fully understandable. "I loved Deathscythe. It was like I was cleaving a hole in myself when I sent him off."

"Yes. Sometimes I find myself thinking of Wing."

"Exactly," I said fervently. "I miss him."

Heero turned to me. "He's not needed anymore."

"I know. That's why I sent him off. When something isn't needed anymore... especially if it's potentially dangerous to keep it... it's best to just get rid of it." Even though I had trouble doing that. Especially when it came to emotions.

Heero paused. "Like you?"

"Huh?" I turned to him, my eyes wide with surprise. "Like me what?"

"Like you. You were no longer needed, so you left?"

"Uhh..." I thought about it. I hadn't thought of it like that. "Huh." I shrugged. "Maybe."

"So you thought that the four of us together was enough."

"Kind of like a fifth wheel?" I looked back out to space. It was strange to suddenly feel calm while Heero dissected me. Had I made a decision without even realizing it? Maybe I had – that it was okay if Heero was in love with Wufei, if they were happy together. That it was okay if they wanted to come, if only I made certain they lived. That it was okay to be a martyr, but only if I didn't act like one. And maybe... maybe I really, really wanted Heero to see. To see the real me, just in case he never got the chance to see me again afterwards.

They were right to be afraid of my disappearing. Because if I did survive...

Wouldn't it be cruel to shove your love on someone who is already in a perfect relationship?

I shrugged again. "I suppose, maybe a bit. Quatre and Trowa are one axle, and you and Wufei are another. There isn't room for a fifth."

"Wufei and me?" Heero repeated, stunned.

"Hm. I guess." I didn't feel like shrugging again, so I curled myself back into a ball on the seat. How immeasurably beautiful was space? I wanted to see. I wanted to see it all. "Whatever it may be, I've always seen it as the four of you... and me. I don't care if you want to argue it. That's what I saw."

"But how? If it weren't for you, I never would have acknowledged the others." Heero curled up into the co-pilot's seat. I wondered if I should kick him out, but I figured it was probably too late for that.

"You know," I said randomly, "when I got this ship, I had sworn that no one would ever sit in that seat." This time when Heero looked at me, I continued staring out into space. "I swore I would never have a partner. That no one would ever come near me again, and no one would be put in danger because of me again. I never wanted anyone to sit in that damn seat. After a while, I figured it would curse whoever sat in it." I chuckled. "Guess we'll find out, won't we?"

Heero was quiet for a long while, just sitting there staring at me. "Why are you telling me this?" he asked finally.

"I guess it's okay to spill one secret," I said, not really answering the question. "Call it a present."

"In case you don't come back?" Heero asked. His voice was even quieter now. With the Heero I knew, that meant he was getting angry. I wondered if he would lose his temper, and if he did, whether he would still say "omae o korosu" when he did. I wondered where his gun could possibly be hidden with only those sweatpants on.

Or maybe it was better to not wonder about that.

I waited a while, wondering if I should tell him the truth. Finally I just thought to hell with it. "Yeah."

Heero looked back out through the viewscreen, perhaps trying to see what I saw. "Why do you think you'll die?"

"I don't. Not really. But maybe I will." I wondered if that made sense.

"...I see. So just in case?"

"I guess."

There was another silence between us. "You have no intention of coming back, do you?"

"...No."

I saw Heero's fists clench. "_Why?_"

His anguished voice hurt me. I didn't want him in pain, but... "I can't."

"Duo." He turned to me again, his gaze adamant. I focused on the blackness before me even more. "You're welcome with us. We won't hold your disappearance against you. We just want you back!"

I didn't ask why, because I knew any answer I got wouldn't be one I was looking for. I just kept looking out. Maybe that was me, too. No, I knew a lot more about myself, so I wasn't outside looking in when it came to me... when it came to the others? Maybe, maybe not. They were sincere enough about wanting me back, but how could I return? Not just because of the humiliation of saying I needed to be alone and then sheepishly returning with my tail between my legs, but also...

Also because I was very much afraid that the person that they wanted back was the Jester, the me they thought they knew. Always afraid, wasn't I? I was such a coward.

"Duo, look at me?"

It was the pleading sound that had me turning. Heero's eyes were as piercing and beautiful as ever. A man as strong as him would probably be furious to hear me think of him in such a way.

"Duo, why can't you trust us? That's the answer I want more than anything."

It wasn't fair to say that. Of course I couldn't say no to something Heero wanted so much. Not if it was so simple for me to give it. I turned back to the monitor and spoke. "With my life, I trust you. With... with my heart, I don't." I closed my eyes and put my head back. Why did it hurt so much just to say that?

Heero seemed unable to move from his position. Or at least I didn't hear him move. And I listened hard. "I... why?" His voice was almost a whisper.

"It's the Jester you wanted to see."

I said it without thought, naming my mask. I opened my eyes and stared. I hadn't meant to say it. I hadn't meant to say any of this. Maybe I was just hitting a low in my depression. After all, I had given up my last thread of hope of having Heero love me.

"The Jester...?" Heero frowned. "You mean the you that's always smiling."

"The Jester," I confirmed. "That's his name."

Heero said nothing to that, only sat and thought. I knew he was piecing things together. Sometimes I wondered how the man could remember such tiny, specific things from the past and pluck them out for study. He was amazing.

Once this thing was over and Heero and Wufei were done their mission, would I still be around? Would my Demon's Wing? And if I was, what would I do? I didn't want to continue being a bounty hunter forever, after all, but I couldn't go into business or anything. It wasn't my thing at all. And I would always be a threat, just in case anyone ever found out I was Black Strike. I couldn't really settle down anywhere, either, just in case Heero and Wufei started digging around a bit too deeply. Joe could help me get some fake ID's and backgrounds.

Of course, all that was based on the idea that I lived and managed to dump Heero and Wufei off without them hogtying and dragging me back. There was a disturbing thought.

"So he's not you at all," Heero murmured.

"And the Perfect Soldier is you?" I countered.

"A little," Heero admitted. "He is integral to me. He is the soldier inside me, my logic and reason. He's what helps me understand you when you don't want to be understood."

"I never said I didn't want to be understood," I said softly.

Heero looked over to me. "I wish I had the strength to..." He shook his head. "I'll take your curse, Duo. If it's yours, it's mine." He turned to space again.

I looked to him with enough speed to whiplash, suddenly frightened from my lethargic movements. "You'll... what?"

"Your curse of being alone. I accept it. And I'll show you that it's all in your head." He gave me a piercing look. "I won't let you be alone."

With a lurch, my heart burned itself to agony. I hoped. I hoped so hard it hurt to breathe. I didn't want to hope. Not anymore.

I turned away from him and stared out and felt my heart rip itself inside me. It hurt so much to hope. With Heero and Wufei together, it was stupid to want. With what we were about to face, it was ridiculous to dream.

Heero got up from the seat and left the room. With a glazed look, I turned to the poem.

_Forgive these broken wings..._

The wings may be broken, but that only meant it hurt to fly.

Right?


	13. Violence Fetish

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. Duh.

* * *

Sub Rosa

Chapter Twelve

Violence Fetish

* * *

Eight hours to go.

I could only stare at my ceiling. It wouldn't be impossible for me to just close my eyes and drift off – I'd been trained to be able to do just that. Still, I didn't want to let go of consciousness just yet.

With Heero taking on my curse and Wufei taking on my food, there was nothing more for me to do than wait. And worry. Not about my food – about Heero. And Wufei. And what we were about to do.

I wasn't stupid. I knew what we were heading into wasn't anything worse than what we'd faced during the war. But I'd had _Deathscythe_ then. And... well, I cared deeply for both of these men. I cared outrageously for one in particular. And I was dragging them into a situation they hadn't faced in three years.

Oh, they could handle themselves. I'd gotten my head out of my ass enough to realize that. But that didn't stop my worry. They had each other. I couldn't let either of them get hurt. Heero – I couldn't even imagine letting Heero get hurt. And because he and Wufei were so close, I absolutely could not let Wufei get hurt, either. Since I didn't have anyone to go home to... hell, I didn't even have a home... I was...

Okay, that sort of thought processing had to be stopped. I was about to label myself dispensable, for crying out loud. I knew I wasn't, if only because I'd taken out countless baddies. Whether Wufei liked it or not, my efforts weren't just helpful, they were _needed._ Period.

Be that as it may... I wouldn't be able to continue. Not with these two on my ass. Doggedly persistent was too nice a phrase for them. They were like rabid leeches.

And Heero. What was it that he wanted, exactly? He seemed desperate to have me come back. He seemed to be fighting with himself, too. There were a few times when he was about to say something, but then almost swallowed his tongue to keep it back. A secret? About me?

I turned over and glared at my wall. On it was the mystery poem, the one that had absolutely zero meaning no matter how many times I read it. I was sick of it. Sick of the secrets and the hidden meanings. Why was life so complicated? Who was the first person who decided, 'hey, I think I'll see just how irritating I can make life before people snap?' The person should be shot. And if he was dead, he should be brought back to life and then shot.

I covered my eyes. What the hell? My mind was going on these random tangents instead of bloody well slowing down. I didn't want to wake up and have all these problems slap me in the face right before I had to land in a war zone.

I wanted to hope for more from them, and I wanted to hope for more from life. But past experience told me that I would be naïve to do so.

Heero was content – except when it came to me returning with him. He was adamant that I go back with him. Why?

That was the real crux of the problem. All Heero ever said to that was "you're one of us." I was beginning to absolutely despise that phrase.

Exactly how was I one of them? How did I fit in? Where? Heero called me... what? The nerve? Like I was the glue that held them all together. But that was Quatre, wasn't it? Wufei had said that Quatre had brought everyone together...

I didn't need to be needed. I knew that. To survive, I only needed three things: food, water, and shelter. And the last was optional.

Or was that not true? What did I need, really? A certain face popped into my head, and I pushed it away. No. I didn't need him. I could do absolutely fine on my own. I have been... right?

"I'm fine," I growled. "I don't need him. He's taken. He's happy. I need to let him go." Maybe the word 'need' was overused in language, or maybe just often misused. Maybe I should delete the word 'need' from my mental dictionary.

Fuck it.

I grabbed a zero-g handle and pulled myself up. This was ridiculous! I had to face off against the Number One Crime Boss of our time in a mere – I checked my time gage – seven hours. I had to be completely ready. I couldn't afford to let my mind wander down these avenues. It may mean the difference between victory and defeat – between life and death. I couldn't afford to let my attention be diverted.

"Dammit," I whispered. I didn't want to deal with this. Heero was taken. End of thought. Whether he wanted to take my curse, whether or not he would let me be alone...

God. Why had he said that stuff to me? Why had he opened up these wounds right before we entered the battlefield?

"_So you're right – I have twenty-four hours."_

I didn't understand. Heero seemed so agonized... I wanted to make it into something it wasn't. I wanted to take all his hesitations and emotions and make them mean... but they _didn't_ mean that. How could they? Heero had admitted that he'd never seen the real me... that he'd never seen past the Jester... so how could he have possibly fallen in...

No, best to not even think the words. Yes, I was better off not hoping at all. But how could one continue living without hope?

Screw it; I needed sleep. With a sigh, I returned to my pillow and covers and shut myself off.

* * *

I was awake long before the landing, having only managed a few hours of restless sleep. Still, I was aware. That, too, was part of my training.

Heero and Wufei came in and strapped down. I checked the monitors before snapping on the signal to the tower warning of our impending approach.

"Command, this is X-09342-KG," I intoned boredly, vaguely clicking on a rock song.

"Hello, Black Strike."

I snapped to attention in an instant. I didn't recognize the voice – it didn't match the message sent from Harlow. "Hi, fucker," I said conversationally. "You volunteering to die first?"

There was a short chuckle. "Not quite, Strike. But rest assured, I will be the first to meet you."

"Hm. That's nice. You gonna let me land, or just fuck around with the airwaves?" I asked. I felt adrenaline course its way through my veins.

"We have no intention of letting you land."

We. That was good to know. "Tough shit, man. I have every intention of landing – after kicking your ass." I saw Heero moving into the co-pilot's seat and tensed.

"Don't try to fool us, Strike. We know you aren't alone."

"Yeah, I know that, too. But thanks for pointing it out – it means I don't have to play pussy with you." I switched my gages and prepared for landing. It would be interesting, having a fight while I tried to land.

"Duo, I'm all set up," Heero told me.

I felt a momentary skid of panic before I nodded. I would do everything it took to make certain Heero made it through. I couldn't let my panic overtake me here.

Wufei helpfully switched my music to something harder – Dope. I felt my body relax a fraction and smiled ferally.

"Are you ready, Strike?"

It was weird – I felt for a moment like I was going to be attacking a Wufei-wannabe. I quickly shoved that thought away. "Yeah, yeah. Hurry it up, buddy. I haven't got all day. I got a show to catch this afternoon."

A laser was my answer. I quickly adjusted to dodge and felt a sharp pull from the station's gravity. I gritted my teeth. Shit.

Heero answered with his own laser, having already memorized the target area. A pretty little barrier glowed for a second. I cursed. "Of course." From the days of the war – a barrier to protect the people in the signaling tower.

"I'll take it out," Heero said. His voice was the deep monotone I remembered so very well. Heero had turned Soldier on us.

My grin widened just that bit more.

"All right," I snarled. I tensed at the newest attack, just barely dodging. Wing protested every movement. "Come on, baby." Good damn thing I wasn't doing this while trying to land on Earth. My poor Wing would be wrecked in no time.

Heero fired another shot, accurately hitting the same place as before. The enemy sent another shot back at us. With a groan, Wing followed my orders.

Wufei suddenly showed up beside me, unbelted completely from his seat. I felt a part of the real me come out in time to give me a panicked update of his new vulnerability.

But Wufei was already at work shifting through Wing's hydraulics, trying to ease the strain on the ship. I grabbed his wrist tightly as I dodged another attack. Wufei waited until I let go to continue his administrations.

I watched him carefully as I twisted Wing into alignment with the hangar. "Heero," I warned, noting the lack of time before time was up and dodging was no longer an option.

Heero, in response, blasted another shot.

This one seemed to do more damage to the barrier, but it still stood. I felt a quick grip of apprehension slip through my mask.

"Damn you," I heard Heero mutter, and another blast shot out. The barrier was definitely weaker – but still alive.

Another tight beam launched from the tower, aimed straight towards the ship. The man could aim.

With a sharp cry, I wrenched Wing out of the way. Something splintered. I distinctly heard the sound of wrenching metal. A warning alarm went up all around us. I cursed.

"The hull has broken up," Wufei informed grimly. Bad. I heard automatic seals drop.

"Wufei, put on a suit." Just in case – I had to make sure these guys made it through okay.

"Maxwell," Wufei protested immediately.

"Fucking go, Wufei! Don't be stupid!" I held the ship steady as Heero shot out another beam. The barrier glowed a bright white for a second. I took a short millisecond to be thankful that whatever gun the enemy had placed on the tower, it took a while to recharge. Thank you, Shinigami.

"Maxwell," Wufei hissed, "I am not going to abandon you."

"Wufei." Heero spoke softly, his eyes remaining trained on the enemy tower, "go."

Wufei tensed, ready to argue. Then, right before it seemed he would snap, he gusted out a sigh. "All right. But you better not make me use it."

"Roger that," Heero intoned.

"Aye aye, mon capitan." I saluted him carelessly before twisting the ship once more. The alarm seemed to get even louder.

"Take care," I thought I heard him say, and I wondered who he was speaking to. I sent the message mentally to Heero and shrugged it off.

Heero sent another shot, and the barrier finally fucking broke. I whooped.

Another blast shot out at us. "I can't dodge!" I'd officially run out of time.

Heero met the shot with his own. The blasts fused together into a bright burst of light, momentarily blinding me. I kept the ship straight through feel. And Heero sent out another shot.

Through the spots dancing in my eyes, I saw that shot hit its target-

And just made out the shot coming at us.

"Fuck!" I cried, swerving violently. I heard the entire ship splinter. Something cracked overhead, and the sound of air rushing out sounded. I cursed again. "Suit up!" I cried, struggling to keep my Wing from curving all the way around and splintering itself. Heero stood immediately.

The air shot through, the noise louder than even the alarms, and even more ominous. The tower, I saw, went up in smoke and light. I could only pray Heero had killed the bastard.

I felt Wing tremble beneath me. It didn't want to cooperate anymore. It was hurting. And tired. "Just a little more, buddy. A little more." The air thinned; I had to breathe shallowly. My eyes started to water. I heard the seal come in, covering the hole, and smiled slightly. Saved.

"Duo, we're ready." Heero called over the suit's comm unit.

"Get in the hatch with the spurt guns. I'll be coming shortly." I tugged one last time, then set the coordinates to continue moving forward. Wing digested the information slowly, unwilling to work. "Come on," I murmured. "Come on, baby."

"Duo. Progress report."

"The hole sealed, the tower is unresponsive. Wing is down fifty percent in functioning." I punched through a couple adjustments while I could.

"How much longer?" Wufei asked.

"I dunno. Anywhere from a minute to an hour." I unstrapped myself as I spoke, working quickly but efficiently. The straps had saved me a number of times. I thought shortly of the bruises Wufei must have gained while suiting up. "Hey, 'Fei – sorry for the bumpy ride."

Wufei grunted. "I believe I will live, Maxwell."

"Count on it," I muttered. The straps finally undone, I stood to get my suit. It hung loosely in its clasps, having been jarred constantly in this battle. I snatched it and put it on as quickly as possible. The snaps made me curse – whoever had invented these suits hadn't had emergencies in mind.

Just then my Wing gave me a beep, telling me that it had finally accepted its coordinates.

"Thanks, buddy." I snapped the last clasp in place and reached in for my helmet, pulling it over my head. Would Wing make it through? It couldn't coordinate its own landings – it needed a human's touch to get it right. It would crash onto the station and possibly be beyond repair. I hoped desperately that wasn't the case. Wing had been my faithful friend for years. It wouldn't be right to lose him.

But between him and the two on-board...

It was a no-brainer.

"Maxwell, hurry-" Wufei started, but Heero suddenly cut him off.

"Duo, look out!"

I turned from the workings of my helmet to see the tower's laser fire one more time. The tower blew up then, having apparently overheated. The bastard had lived.

There was no way to dodge.

I saw that beam coming towards me and cursed, already moving. My hands continued working diligently on my helmet; my feet tried desperately to move faster, faster.

I felt it even before it hit, a wave of heat and energy so strong it hummed through my poor ship. I wouldn't make it to the hatch-

"Duo!"

"Duo!"

It crashed like lightning and thunder and a wave strong enough to keep you under, unable to break the surface and breathe – all in an instant.

I felt myself being thrown forward and lost sense of up and down. A crashing, sucking noise filled my head, with tinny sounds of horror and fear. I recognized, for an instant, Heero screaming my name, even as light blinded me to everything.

Then there was pain, a searing pain, then an unnatural heat – the vacuum of space. I think I screamed then. Or maybe it was Heero and Wufei, screaming for me.

The pain increased to spread through my entire body, filling me with heat and darkness-

Yes. I grabbed the darkness and fell in, desperate. Please take me.

* * *

QUICK NOTE: Yes, I know it's short, but it was a perfect ending. Gomen! ^^


	14. Pain Redefined

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. Duh.

* * *

Sub Rosa

Chapter Thirteen

Pain Redefined

* * *

"God, God, I hadn't hit it hard enough."

"Enough of that, Yuy. You did the best you could."

"God-"

"Yuy, I mean it. You took the tower down. You saved Maxwell's life-"

"We don't know that yet. God, Wufei, how long was he exposed to that vacuum? How long – there's only a vague estimate as to how long someone can be exposed without... without..."

"Yuy! You know Maxwell just as I do – he will not die. His health has improved. You must stop this. We need to be strong for when Maxwell awakens. We need to be able to help him. Right now we are in enemy territory. We must remain strong and alert."

"I know that. I... I know that. But..."

A sigh. "I understand. I was there, too, Yuy. You are not the only one who cares for Maxwell."

A silence. "I know. God, Wufei, I know."

Movement...

I thought about moving, but the thought alone made me tired. Giving up, I slid back into darkness.

* * *

Something pressed against my lips. A smell assaulted my nose, something sickly strong. I turned, using up all my energy, and heaved – dry heaves. The smell left.

"He won't eat." The voice sounded a bit anxious.

"This isn't good. It's been three days."

"Duo, Duo... come on..."

I finished trying to hack up my lungs and simply collapsed back into sleep, exhausted once more.

* * *

"Yuy-"

"Four days, no food, hardly any water..."

"Give him time. He took some shrapnel with that vacuum-"

"I know! I know. But God-"

I tried to turn to the noise, recognizing the emotion, recognizing the voice. It was impossible to move my body – it was lead. My tongue felt thick, my head heavy. There was a blaring headache slamming into me from all sides. My eyes felt dry and puffy all at once, my lips swollen, my cheeks heavy. Something itched all along my scalp and neck. I was hot, but cold all the same.

Impossible. I needed rest.

* * *

I felt more normal when I awoke next. Pain wasn't everywhere, but instead focusing on my head and side and left arm. My tongue still felt a bit thick and dry, and my eyes were a bit dry, as well, though oddly not as much as before, either by healing themselves or by human intervention.

I tested my hands first, seeing if I could move them. I could, but my left arm protested a bit.

"Maxwell?"

I turned to the voice, noting Wufei's presence late in the game. I realized it was because I hadn't yet opened my eyes. I quickly scanned the area and wondered that we were still on L2. It was definitely another storage room, but this time I think it had been long abandoned – Heero and Wufei had obviously cleaned the place up, but there was still some mold on the walls. A small room with a door off its hinges promised a bathroom and more mold. Boxes were piled taller than me on both sides. Dust sifted idly in the air, illuminated by two hanging fluorescent lights. Their ominous swaying concerned me.

"Where are we?" I croaked. My voice cracked, and an itch started in the base of my throat. I proceeded to cough up my kidneys.

Wufei quickly grabbed a canteen and unscrewed the lid, pressing it to my lips. Carefully, knowing the dangers of drinking too fast after a long time, I sipped. I tried to lift my hand and could only touch the canteen, not actually able to hold it. I felt weak.

I remembered the haunting sound of air gushing into space, leaving me... with nothingness. I shivered.

"Cold?" Wufei asked.

Still drinking, I could only shake my head slightly.

"We're in an abandoned – we believe – cargo bay about three kilometers from where we landed, near Hold 27. We've been here for almost five days now. None of Harlow's men have found us, though a few have passed by. Heero is out scouting right now. It figures you would awaken the one moment he's not by your side. He's going to be pissed."

I let my hand fall and Wufei put the canteen aside. "How...?"

"How are you alive?" Wufei asked, always perceptive.

I nodded slowly, unwilling to test out the strength of my raging headache.

"Yuy left the hatch the moment he saw the beam coming toward the ship. I believe he found you in time to see a piece of your ship catch your right side-" Wufei gestured at the wound I felt complaining at that very moment "-and your helmet wobbled. He grabbed you and brought you back to the hatch, and we jetted to the station."

"How? Wasn't the entire ship destroyed?" I felt bad for it – my faithful friend, and once again I sent him to his death.

"No, the man's aim had been faulty, thank God – the shot only hit the front of the ship. Otherwise both you and Yuy would be dead."

I winced. Jesus. Heero and I were going to have to talk. When the hell had he decided to risk his life for someone else while on a mission? Damn, did the man ever think?

"Maxwell, do you think you could eat something?"

The thought of food was absolutely revolting, but I knew I had to buckle down and do it sometime – might as well face the torture now, head on. I shrugged. "All right."

Wufei gave me a look that plainly said he knew damn well how I felt about the subject, but he went and got the food anyway. It ended up being, of all things, civilian ration bars. I almost laughed.

"And to think you disparaged me for eating these things," I joked, carefully breaking off a tiny corner. I chewed it, being careful not to swallow, testing my stomach. It heaved at the taste, just as I'd known it would, and rolled around in fury for a while. Only when it calmed to dull loathing did I dare swallow the small bite. My stomach pouted for a bit before deciding it actually wanted what I was offering. Still, I only managed a few small bites before pushing it away. "Later," I said quietly, and Wufei's severe look lessened.

A small sound came, a tap-tapping sound, like someone was moving their foot to a nonexistent beat.

"Yuy has returned," Wufei noted.

I turned my eyes immediately to the source of the noise. I had already seen Wufei, and he hadn't suffered damage. That left Heero – the one who'd entered Hell to get me back out.

He came in, his eyes immediately seeking my bed as he descended. He stopped cold at seeing me awake.

"Duo?"

It was such a hesitant, hopeful sound that I found myself unable to respond. It raised the question, just as a plague would bring a recurring fever – why? Why had he come for me, risking his life, doing everything he could to save me? Why did I have vague, shifting fragments in my mind that all heard Heero's voice in anguished fear? What did it mean?

"You may come in, Yuy," Wufei said dryly, and Heero jumped and flushed. I didn't have the energy to do that, so I merely blinked and looked Heero over. Was it just me, or did Heero have a slight limp?

"Yuy, how is your leg?"

Oh, fuck! Heero really _was_ hurt?

Heero rubbed it almost sheepishly. "Fine," he grunted.

"Yuy," Wufei warned.

My God. Heero had gotten hurt saving me, almost getting himself killed. My God. What would I have done if Heero had lost his life for me?

Definitely needed to talk. Soon. Now.

"Fine," he repeated. "It was a minor wound – I just bumped it."

"And how, pray tell, did you manage that?" Wufei pressed.

Heero – flushed. "I helped a child cross the street."

Wufei snorted as my eyes bugged out slightly. "Fool. She hit your leg, didn't she?"

"I didn't say it was a girl." But Heero nodded. "Yes. She did."

My God. It was unbelievable to see and hear this. Was this what their conversations were usually like, those multiple times they went inside their room and closed the door, leaving the conversation between only them? Was this what Heero and Wufei talked about when I wasn't around? Had Heero truly become so... so freaking nice?

No, it wasn't 'become.' That wasn't the right term. Heero had always had the streak of kindness in him. He'd saved me, after all, even when he'd had no intention of doing so. And Quatre had once said that Heero had played with dogs once. I'd snorted, but apparently it had been true.

Was Heero really comfortable enough to help a young girl cross the street? Had that gentleness always been there? How beautiful it would be to be privy to that side of him, that precious kindness that Heero had needed to suppress for so many years. I was happy for him – happy that he'd finally found a chance to release that part of himself. And even more disgusted with him, that he would throw it all away for just me.

Even though I was oddly happy that Heero had been willing to throw it all away for just me.

_What a contradiction is man_, I thought wryly, and looked out from myself to see Heero coming towards me.

Other than the limp, he seemed all right. But were there other injuries, injuries the unknown little girl hadn't managed to hit in some way? Heero had always been a stoic, especially with pain. How bad was it really?

But his eyes were sharp and clear, and so full of such obvious relief that it hurt me to see it. "Duo, I'm so glad you're awake." Still I didn't speak, too shocked to hear Heero's thankful tone. He really was... glad. "Duo?"

I shook my head, feeling like I was coming up from a trance. "What happened?" I asked hoarsely.

Heero threw Wufei a sharp look. "He just awoke a bit ago, Yuy," Wufei said, a bit defensive. "I've been more concerned with feeding him."

"He's fine," I said quickly, trying to dispel the sudden tension. The last thing I needed was a riff between lovers. "I meant... when everything exploded – what were you doing?"

Heero's face flashed far too many emotions for me to catch and name. "I was saving you."

"Stupid," I muttered.

Heero immediately got defensive. "Excuse me? I saved your hide!"

"I didn't ask you to! You could've been killed!" I stopped abruptly and coughed. I'd irritated the itch.

Wufei automatically grabbed the canteen and returned to my side, though he didn't seem to know who to send his glare toward at the moment. "Yuy, you should know better than to have a fight with Maxwell with him in this condition. And Maxwell, dammit, if he hadn't, I would have. You're a part of the team. We won't leave you behind."

I wanted to argue with him, but I couldn't spare a moment for words. I was too busy trying to force myself inside-out.

Heero apologized. "Duo..."

I didn't want to hear it. All of Heero's kindness, I had known, was nothing more than... than some twisted form of friendship. I had known it, but that evil imp Hope had whispered that there was more. He'd tortured me one more time, only to once again rip it away from me. Wufei, after all, would have done the same.

I shook my head, then gulped a breath and held it. Slowly, slowly the coughs died down, and I was able to drink and ease my throat. "No," I managed. "No more." Wufei pulled the water away, misunderstanding.

But Heero understood. "Duo, we won't-"

"Enough," I growled, and I fucking snapped. "I am _not_ 'a part of the team.' Stop saying that shit. Stop treating me as if we're best buddies. We aren't! During the war, the two of you went out of your way to hate my fucking guts! Now you're suddenly being buddy-buddy – just knock it off!" I winced – my side was splitting itself in two. I looked down, just then noticing my naked chest bandaged six ways to Sunday. I instantly felt bad – these guys had risked their lives for me. They'd saved my life. And I was screaming at them. How ungrateful could you get?

"Maxwell." Wufei stepped forward, his face determined. Heero was still where he'd been before, his face twisting into several odd distortions. It would have been almost funny if it weren't for the pain etched into each one.

Shit. I didn't want to hear this. I hadn't meant to say that! It had just... slipped out. As usual. Gods, I was stupid sometimes.

Wufei seemed to see my thoughts somehow – as usual. He smiled gently, trying to put me at ease. It put my back up. "Duo," Wufei sighed. "I suppose we must explain _why_ we pushed you away."

Not good. Wufei _never_ gave insight into his emotions. Was he planning to kill me or something? But then why bandage me up?

Wufei glanced sidelong at Heero. "Yuy, how about sitting down? This may take a while."

Not good.

Heero turned his eyes to Wufei and did that silent communication thing. Damn it all to hell. Like the mold and mildew around me wasn't bad enough – now I had to deal with eye-zapping information flying over my damn head.

Heero thumped down on the nearest box and let his head fall slightly, even though his shoulders were tense. He seemed to be fighting with himself.

Wufei nodded to himself. "I will begin," he declared, and I thought I heard Heero sigh with relief. I couldn't check to be sure, though, because Wufei had pierced me with his serious gaze, the one that meant business. The feeling of impending doom returned with a vengeance. "Maxwell-"

"Look," I interrupted quickly, "you don't have to do this. I'm fine. I just needed to get it off my chest, and-"

"Maxwell, stop. We understand. We all had the chance to watch one another's... transformations." I was shocked that he'd tagged it just how I saw it. "We'd seen the changes come through – the person outside the warrior. You were never given that chance, despite the fact that you..." Now Wufei seemed to be struggling with himself. His fists clenched. He finally sat down, as well, on a long, rectangular box that looked old enough to collapse under Wufei's weight.

Okay, this was scary.

Heero whispered something, something like "goddammit." But I couldn't be sure.

"So you don't understand," Wufei finished that track and blew into the next. "Maxwell, it was never that I did not like you. It was the opposite – you made me feel alive. On the battlefield, I felt myself become lost in the killing, and I began to believe that all I was was a warrior. I hadn't been a soldier always, but a scholar." Somehow, that surprised me, though I'd always seen Wufei as a genius. "I hadn't wanted anything to do with the war, but then..." He took a careful breath. "Events forced me into the position. You, when we spoke – argued – managed to remind me of what I had been – what I had lost. I was afraid... of what would happen to me if I lost you. I was afraid I would truly become nothing more than a warrior. To protect myself, I tried to push you away. You had been so persistent, and I feared you would come too close, bring me too far from the soldier I had to be even as I wanted so very badly to be something else... when that Dekim Barton bastard came into play, I had been alone for... a while. I felt like I had lost that part of me that was a scholar, and I would never find him again. It took me... a very long time... to see that I had only fought him back – and so fought you back."

I could say nothing, shocked to my bones. I couldn't fully comprehend it – Wufei had been scared of me, of what I made him remember? I... I had been so important to him that he'd been afraid to let me close?

"I... had the same problem, in a way," Heero said quietly. My eyes snapped to him, still wide. His head was still bowed, his hands twined with one another and holding his head up. His wild hair covered his face. "I needed to be emotionless. That was how I was taught. That was how I won."

Hearing J's indoctrination made my blood boil, just as it always did. If the man weren't dead, I would kill him.

"You were... different. Immediately, I could see it – you spoke to Relena so calmly; you _joked_..."

Funny that he brought up Relena, since I didn't really like the girl. Not that she wasn't bringing peace, because she was, and for that I was very, very grateful. Still... I just couldn't like the woman.

"You even joked when you were getting me out of that Oz hospital..." I remembered that, of course. "I couldn't understand how someone like you could be an efficient pilot."

Yeah. I had caught that.

"At first I thought of you as a detriment to any mission we would attempt. But then you proved yourself... more than competent. I couldn't understand why. And then... when you were around... I felt. I wasn't supposed to feel – it would mess me up, and I wouldn't be able to win anymore. So I pushed you away, trying to save myself and... and the world. To win the war, I needed you away from me, before I lost myself to those emotions. After the war... God, when I finally had the chance to feel... you were gone."

And Heero was silent.

Wufei looked away from Heero and back to me. "Maxwell, it is not that we are... 'suddenly acting buddy-buddy.'" The term sounded almost comical coming from Wufei's mouth. "For the past three years, we have slowly come to realize how important you were. You kept us sane – all of us. You don't understand because you've only seen how cruelly we treated you during the war – and after it, for that short time you continued coming near us. We didn't realize. We had only seen our own suffering. When you had opened yourself to us, we had only seen the danger of opening ourselves as well, and hadn't noticed that you had already taken the risk."

What could I say? It was true. I'd risked everything to create a friendship with these men – and I'd lost everything. The Jester wanted to say I shouldn't gamble and laugh it off. Shinigami didn't give a damn. But the real me... the real me hurt for it. And hurt to be reminded of it.

"We hadn't understood, Duo," Wufei whispered. There was pain in _his_ eyes now, pain I couldn't bear to see. "We should have... it was there, just a step away from the thoughts we were already having. We should have seen, but we chose not to."

"Quatre, of course," Heero spoke up now, "had seen. Quatre always sees." It sounded almost bitter, the way he said that. "He had been the only one to open up to you fully. Trowa had tried, a bit, following Quatre's example, but he couldn't. He..." Heero took a deep breath. "He remembers how he reacted to you when you found him at the circus. He remembers... that he hadn't been able to link to you, as he had with Quatre."

I, too, remembered. "Hey, hey," I said quickly, trying to sound flippant and just sounding... sad. And scared. "It's fine, really. I understood. That's why I got Quatre, okay? I got it; I wasn't blind. He needed Qat. No big. And... really... it's fine that you guys were-"

"Maxwell, will you stop for one damn minute?" Wufei growled. "We are attempting to make amends. Shut up and let us."

"Umm... I'm cool with it, really." Lie, lie, lie. So much for my little mantra. "I mean, I get it. We were at war. I should've known better."

"Maxwell, we would not have as many scars as we do if we'd have opened up with you. And we would not have lost you."

_You never had me!_ I wanted to scream, but kept myself silent. They _could_ have had me, after all. That's what Wufei meant, I think – they lost me even before they even had me.

"Look..." They had opened themselves, so I should too, right? After all, I hated being indebted to people. I earned my own way, every way. "I respected you guys."

They both flinched.

I quickly changed the sentence. "_Respect_ you guys. During the war, you had such honorable reasons to fight, and all I wanted was... revenge. You were strong. I just wanted to pack together-" Fuck, I had admitted to Heero's suspicion that they had been my gang "-because of my own weaknesses. I knew I wasn't as strong as you guys."

"That's not true," Heero whispered. For the first time, he looked up and met my eyes. I was shocked as hell to see Heero's eyes red. I didn't see any tear tracks on his face, but... "You had more strength than us, Duo. We couldn't find the strength to do what you did, even as you fought like hell on the battlefield."

"And got captured constantly," I muttered. Though, dammit, I _had_ been competent. If I hadn't been, I would be dead right now.

"Enough of that, Maxwell. You are the best stealth operative of us all, and the best hacker. Quatre may have the best group logic and heart, and Trowa may be a strong all-out fighter and acrobat; though I have my skills in swordsmanship and pyrotechnics, with Heero having strong strength and endurance, you have your own skills that we cannot surpass. These are our strengths."

"Don't forget how smart you are, 'Fei," I put in quickly. He'd given himself pretty small skills considering how great he was.

"Fine, Maxwell," he said with irritation. But he preened. "You have your own skills, and don't you forget it."

I shrugged, then winced. Damn, my left arm hurt, too. Goody. I was already injured. And so was Heero. I wasn't liking this.

"Jesus, guys," I said suddenly, "is anyone else getting the feeling that we need back-up?" The hesitation in the air made me narrow my eyes. "What?"

"We have already asked for assistance," Wufei told me.

"Hell," I muttered. "You Preventors aren't supposed to be a part of this."

"Yes, I know. That is why we have asked for Trowa and Quatre to accompany us."

I gaped. "But... Qat's a businessman now!" I sputtered.

"And still a pilot," Heero put in. "He's in a meeting right now, but it will be wrapped up by tomorrow. He'll be shipped in secretly with Trowa afterwards."

"How secretly?" I demanded. Fear tightened my chest.

"We have no idea how." Meaning secret as fuck.

"Thank the gods for that, at least," I muttered. My side mocked me – I was damn tired.

"Maxwell, sleep some more. When you wake up, we'll try to get more food in you."

I frowned. Great.

Still, I couldn't help the waves of exhaustion from roiling over me. I found myself lying back and relaxing further into the small cot beneath me. I still needed to recover. It would be best if I got as much sleep as possible before we had to get moving again.

Heero came to stand before me, his eyes still red. "Duo," he breathed, then paused for a second. I felt my eyes droop and fought it. "I... I hadn't even known I was moving until... until I saw you. I had no choice but to save you."

No choice? But the way he said it... so sad, so wistful, so... burdened...

_My angel_, I thought, slipping suddenly into sleep. He truly was my angel.

My mouth curved slightly. Hope... the bastard kept coming back...

Until the end of time... I would always love him.


	15. Sacred Lie

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. Duh.

* * *

Sub Rosa

Chapter Fourteen

Sacred Lie

* * *

I woke with a clearer head. Immediately my mind decided to skip back to Heero's and Wufei's admissions, as if awaiting my moment of cognizance to beat the shit out of me.

Were they kidding? Teasing? Manipulating? No, neither would do such things. I may not have been with them for the past three years, but I knew enough of them to know they would never be so cruel.

Which demanded I sit back and seriously digest what all they just told me.

I didn't know where to start. Maybe the pain I'd felt all those years ago, reaching out to nothing. Or maybe the looks on their faces as they admitted their mistakes, as if they were punishing themselves for it even as they spoke. Or their tones – so sad and regretful.

Or more precisely, the way Heero's face broke down, the red swollen look to his eyes. Heero? Crying? For something he did to me years ago?

Could they miss me so much?

What should I do? I didn't want them to suffer. The last thing I wanted was for them to hurt in any way. Should I go back with them? Should I just... let them take me back? Surely I could handle it. I could be the Jester again. I could return, if only to make sure that I never saw Heero's eyes that red ever again.

It meant an eternal sacrifice for me, eternal pain until finally I found death. It meant giving up my last hope of finding myself and gaining nothing for the loss but pain. It meant suffering.

I'd been able to continue saying no. I'd been able to stand for myself and no one else. But I hadn't seen those tears before. They... they were what I couldn't say no against. They hurt me too much. I never wanted Heero to cry. If my absence, for whatever reason, hurt him so much, I would return. I would go back to them, for them. I would accept whatever pain it meant I would go through. I didn't want them... hurting. I would take their pain. It was my duty – as the jester, as Shinigami. As Duo Maxwell. I always acted better as the laughing martyr than Heero or Wufei.

I would hate myself forever, no matter who I was. I would despise myself. And I would never find myself.

But I couldn't let Heero cry again.

I opened my eyes, afraid to face the day now that I had made such a decision. I knew I had to be careful; the bastards were perceptive. If I didn't walk through this cautiously, they would find out I was only doing it for them.

Had to be slow. Careful.

It was slowly that I sat up, carefully that I turned my head. With a blush I realized I was very close to losing my dignity by pissing where I slept. I struggled roughly to my feet.

"Duo?"

I hissed; Heero. I took another look around and found Wufei absent. He had to be the one on watch duty. I tried to ignore Heero and stand. My side hurt like a bitch.

"Duo, take it easy." Heero came up by my side, his hands out as if to help me.

"No," I growled. I couldn't. Not yet. If I was going to give up my solitude merely for the others, I... I needed to gain some strength first. Before my heart tore itself to shreds. I couldn't bear, after all, to imagine watching Heero and Wufei kiss.

"Duo, let me help."

"Enemy territory," I reminded Heero tersely. In other words, I needed to be able to handle myself.

Heero made an irritated noise, but he stood back. He understood full well the necessity of taking care of oneself while in enemy territory, injury or no.

I made it to the bathroom – which, just as I suspected, had been usurped by the almighty power of Mold and Mildew – and relieved myself. I had to bring back the Jester without them getting suspicious. Then I had to go back with them and...

God. God, it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted...

But I couldn't have him! I leaned, panting, against the disgustingly dirty wall and fought the stupidly useless tears. No. He and Wufei had a very close, obviously intimate relationship. Just like Quatre and Trowa. I was happy for them. Really. I was really happy for them.

I was... but I couldn't stop the tears.

"Duo? Are you okay?"

Oh my God, Mama-Yuy was timing me. Jesus. "Fine." I managed to keep my response clear of any sorrow or pain. No wobbles, no sniffles. I would be even better in a minute. I just needed a minute. One minute.

Two minutes later, I flushed the toilet and left the room with a clean face. The mirror, cracked and practically useless, had shown my eyes to be only slightly red. My eyes hadn't gotten the chance to swell that much. But still, still I knew he would see.

He didn't disappoint me.

"Duo?" Heero's eyes pierced through me as soon as I exited the cubby-hole bathroom. His eyes flashed, but this time I had a chance to read them – shock, sorrow, fear. Fear? Something like that. Worry? Maybe that was the better term. "Duo, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," I muttered, already knowing the bastard wouldn't let it go.

"Duo," he warned.

The response was just like what Wufei's would have been. It made me want to cry again. "Nothing," I said more firmly.

"Duo, if this is about last night-"

"It's not."

"The hell it's not!" Heero rushed in front of me when I would have just returned to my little cot. "Duo, _talk_ to me. What's wrong?"

Saying 'nothing' again would probably hit a nerve. "You don't need to worry about it."

"Dammit, Duo!" Heero snapped, and I realized I'd hit a nerve anyway. "It's not about _need_! Maybe I _want_ to help! Did what we said yesterday mean nothing?!"

I flinched.

Immediately Heero snapped his mouth shut and raked a hand through his hair. "Duo-"

"I got it," I murmured. "I got it, okay? I got it. Just... drop it."

Heero didn't seem to know what to say. "Quatre and Trowa will be here soon."

I hummed and got back in bed. Sleep. I needed to sleep. I could be the Jester when I woke up again. I just needed time to change back into someone I hadn't let myself be in... in a very long time.

"Duo," Heero whispered.

"I'm just going to get a bit more rest, then we can plan our next move."

Heero hesitated. I knew, though, that he would consent. We had to be ready. "All right."

I nodded and turned, favoring my injured side and arm. I loved Heero. More than anything. If he wanted Wufei as his lover... fine. That made him happy. It made him smile. He could talk to the man, show him his secrets. Heero loved Wufei. I could handle that. Why did I listen to Wilson Phillips' song? Because I understood it – very, very well.

And if the regrets he had for what he did to me during the war hurt him... if not having me around hurt him...

I would open the door. I would open the door and let him in. Because I love him. I didn't ever want Heero to cry again. Not Heero.

My hands clenched into fists. The pain in my arm hardly existed to me at that point.

I would do anything to keep Heero from his pain. Anything.

_I love you, Heero._

And I would never say those words out loud.

* * *

I wasn't awakened when Wufei returned, but I let it slide. Instead, when I _did_ awaken, I took another bathroom break, during which I _didn't_ cry, and got into planning our newest strategy.

"Well," I sighed, "all those weapons I got are long gone."

"Quatre's bringing more." When I turned to Heero with a cocked brow, he merely shrugged. "I suppose Quatre has contacts, too."

I had to wonder how much shit Quatre took for having said contact. Was it as much as I had taken? I didn't think so. But maybe that was just because it was impossible to yell at Quatre.

"So, what's the plan?" According to my own rules, I was taking it slow. Only my tone had changed, and only slightly. Wufei seemed a bit more relaxed. Heero seemed to tense whenever I spoke.

What, exactly, did the man want from me?

"From what we can gather, the enemy's base is off on the right field past Sector H-5," Wufei told me. "There are fortresses set up strategically through the sectors in the H quadrant. We have to go through mountains of armed forces before getting to Harlow."

"When don't we?" I grumbled, flicking my braid. "Okay, then, we'll just beat the hell out of everybody."

"Yes, Maxwell, thank you for that extraordinarily useful tactic. Why don't we just rush in and beat up all the enemies? It's perfect."

I laughed at Wufei's dry tone. He'd loosened up almost as soon as I started speaking like the Jester. I had to wonder if Heero would also be comfortable if he hadn't seen the evidence of my tears. I cursed my weakness. "See? Wufei says it's brilliant. I say we try that."

"Maxwell, do you even understand the word 'sarcasm?'"

I had only begun laughing when the tension in the air increased. I stopped fairly quickly, looking at Heero's and Wufei's expressions.

Heero looked both angry and hurt all at once, and Wufei looked about ready to bolt.

Ah. An indirect insult to my intelligence. I'd been so accustomed to it, I hadn't caught it in time. I rolled my eyes. "Man, I know you were joking. Chill."

Wufei seemed wholly uncomfortable. "Maxwell, I-"

"For the love of – drop it, 'Fei. I know, okay? It's no big deal to joke about it." There hadn't been any cutting tone in there, after all. Not like during the war.

"Duo." Heero's voice was silky-soft and absolutely furious. "Why the hell are you-"

A sudden tapping began on the door above, again like someone was banging their foot to a beat. I smiled at the obviously classical tune. "Qat's here."

"Must you make nicknames for everyone?" Wufei huffed as Heero cautiously opened the door.

"Yes. It's shorter. And fun." I turned to see Quatre's eyes quickly scanning the room and locking on me.

"Duo!"

Quatre launched himself across the room and into my arms, wrapping his own around my neck. I bit my lip to keep from crying out in pain and hugged him back. "Hey there, Qat," I said quietly. Here was someone I couldn't hide from. Quatre always saw right through me. Even during the war... he'd just known.

Quatre hugged me hard enough to steal my breath, then pushed me back to look at me. "Let me see you." I knew he immediately saw my pain – I saw its reflection in his eyes – but then he smiled. "I'm glad to see you again, my friend."

"And I you," I said honestly. He was definitely older, with his cute little chubby-cheeks gone. His hair was still too far into his face, still golden. His eyes, still baby-blue, were still wide, giving him a false look of naiveté. He was a bit taller, but still shorter than me, though only by about an inch.

It felt so good to see him again.

Almost, almost I fell against him and wept. Almost I told him everything, all my pain and confusion and fear.

But instead I smiled and turned to Trowa, who was calmly leaning against the wall by the door. He'd grown even fucking taller, the bastard, leaner and stronger. His hair was still covering one eye. But on his lips was a small, beautiful smile as he looked on Quatre. His eye, when it met mine, was sharp, both approving and disapproving. For coming back. For leaving.

I couldn't apologize. Because I would be returning... against my will.

"Hey, I was told you guys had presents?" I looked between the two of them.

"We're to exchange information while retrieving them," Quatre explained. "Trowa will leave with Wufei while I stay with you and Heero."

Sounded logical. I shrugged, ignoring my arm. I was officially in a lot of pain. A little more would only serve as a distraction to the larger. "Works for me. See ya soon, guys!" I waved to Trowa and Wufei. Wufei cocked a brow before leaving.

"All right." Quatre put his hands on his hips. "What is going on here?"

I had expected it, in a way. Quatre wouldn't be one to miss the tension radiating off of us. "Nothing, Qat. It's me."

Quatre's eyes snapped to me. "What do you mean, 'it's you'?"

I shrugged again. "You know. I've been a pain."

Quatre's eyes flickered as he digested everything I didn't say. "I want to hear everything," he ordered. "I mean _everything_."

I nodded, even while I knew I would keep things out. With a sigh, I sat down. "All right."

"And then _you_," Quatre turned to Heero, "are going to tell me everything he doesn't tell me."

Heero looked a bit surprised, but then he smiled and nodded. "Of course."

I sighed. Quatre always did know me too well.

"All right, then. Duo..." Quatre hesitated, then looked between Heero and me for a split second. Then he sighed and focused on me once more. "Let's hear it."

* * *

I stuck to the battles and other plain facts before entering into the personal stuff, knowing it was important to get that out first – and also knowing how it would hurt Quatre to hear it. I tried to spare him as much as possible, but Heero fucked that over royally. He hid nothing from Quatre. It didn't surprise me when, after being told verbatim what that damn poem said on my cockpit's wall, Quatre had to leave to escape to the bathroom.

I hung my head in my hands. "Yuy, do you have to be so cruel?"

"I told him everything you didn't," Heero said calmly. "He's stronger than he looks."

"I know that," I snapped. "But..." I looked to the door. "He's hurting now."

"He knows what it means." My head turned back to him, eyes wide. Heero's face was almost fierce. "He knows who the poem is addressed to."

Of course he did. Quatre had been there, right there while my heart broke. Of course he knew. Just as he would never tell Heero – because I'd made him promise. The one thing I'd ever made him promise me.

I turned away from those eyes.

"Duo, I want to know."

I shook my head. "No."

"Why?"

So frustrated. So upset. But I had to have this one secret, this one piece of me, untouched and unblemished, as painful and cruel as the secret was to me. I couldn't ever let him know. "I hadn't even meant to tell Quatre. He... walked in on it."

Heero was silent then, filling in the pieces that I'd skipped. "I see."

I kept my eyes on the bathroom, waiting for Quatre to come back out.

"Duo." Heero hesitated again. "Would it... help... to talk about it?"

"It won't change anything."

Heero struggled with something. "But, despite that... it's easier..."

Ah. So Heero had admitted to everyone, or at least one of the pilots, that he loved Wufei. I suppose it _had_ been easier, at least for him. Because he'd gotten what he'd wanted. Who he'd wanted. But I wouldn't say anything, just it case it hurt him. Instead I made a noncommittal sound.

"Quatre may be strong," I whispered finally, "but he hurts when one of us hurts. He takes all the pain onto himself. No one is strong enough to handle that and still be okay. Just... think about that."

Heero sighed. "I know that."

_Then why are you hurting him?_ I wanted to ask, but didn't. "I don't want him taking any of my pain. It's mine to bear."

"Duo, that's wrong. It's all of ours." Heero leaned forward. "It's something we all had to learn. If we try to suffer through alone, we not only hurt ourselves, but also those close to us. By seeing you in pain and not being allowed to help, we-"

"I can handle it myself." I have for years.

"Not completely. None of us could," he assured, putting his hands up slightly when I turned to snap at him. "We helped each other heal. It's easier to stitch up a wound with someone else's help."

I just turned away again. This pain couldn't be healed by anyone. "Heero," I said suddenly, then stopped. I didn't want to ask him. I didn't have the courage to. I couldn't.

"What?"

Curious, worried, concerned. I was beginning to understand Heero's tones again. I closed my eyes. This can't be happening. Seeing Heero like this – kind, caring, open. It was making me love him even more. It was absolutely heartbreaking.

I couldn't ask him. It would kill me. "Nothing."

"Duo. Tell me."

I found my heart beating faster and faster. I shook my head.

"Duo-"

For the second time, I was rescued by a tapping on the trap door. Heero seemed about ready to spit. He stood with an agitated flourish and went to the door to answer it.

Quatre came out of the bathroom just as Trowa and Wufei placed down the fifth box. "Last one," Wufei grunted, rolling his shoulders. Trowa said nothing, just turned to Quatre. I saw his eye widen slightly before he rushed to Quatre's side.

Why, when feeling a warm fuzzy in the air and seeing such a beautiful bond of love, did I feel like dying?

Trowa glanced over at me, glaring slightly. I turned away from that, too. How could I answer it? Quatre's pain was my fault, because I was in pain.

Dammit, this was why I didn't want to be around these guys. I always hurt when they were near.

But Quatre turned Trowa's eyes back to him and shook his head. He hugged Trowa tight. Trowa's long arms wrapped around Quatre's body, holding him close. He stiffened for a second, obviously reacting to something Quatre said, before whispering something unintelligible in return and hugging Quatre tighter.

I turned almost wildly to Wufei.

"Hey, so we're heading out tonight?"

Wufei turned from Quatre and Trowa and nodded to me. "Yes. It would be best if we moved out as soon as possible. We don't want these provisions to be found, just in case we'll need more later."

"What've we got?" I asked.

"Everything from machetes to grenades," Wufei confirmed.

I grinned. "Awesome. Grenades? Perfect."

Wufei sighed and shook his head.

And then my nightmare came true: Trowa and Quatre moved off into a corner to talk, and Wufei and Heero went into another corner.

And for the next hour, I was once again alone.


	16. Dropping Plates

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. Duh.

* * *

Sub Rosa

Chapter Fifteen

Dropping Plates

* * *

We were all rested up, though I was positive I got a more restful sleep than the others due to having taken up the one and only cot in the storage area, though this was done apparently because of my injuries. Everyone woke up around midnight. We grabbed as much as we could carry, then carefully mixed our boxes with the others in the small storage area.

I carried a belt of grenades, two automatics and a pistol, along with extra rounds. My side and arm were about ready to just say to hell with me.

Heero was casting me severe looks. I knew why – he'd seen. He'd been about to call me on it, too, but had been interrupted. Yay for interruptions.

Still, I had to be more careful around him. Perfect bastard.

"Is everyone ready?" Wufei asked. He took one last glance around, just as I did. Everyone gave a short affirmative. "All right," he said tersely. "Let's move out."

It was difficult to leave as we were – we were bound to attract instant attention. Stealth was necessary, though, so we were all leaving with cloaks. More specifically, some of the dusty covers had been stolen from their perspective boxes, beaten, and rearranged to look like something possibly resembling tablecloths. These we labeled cloaks and hoped we were mistaken for bums.

Heero and Wufei left first, leaving Quatre, Trowa, and myself together to wait for five minutes before leaving. I sensed Quatre's gaze on me and carefully kept my eyes away from him.

I did a mental tally. Of course Quatre knows my problem. Because of Quatre's reaction, Trowa disliked me. Heero was pissed, and Wufei was actually more comfortable – at least most of the time. Huh. I was batting a thousand so far.

"Duo."

It was Quatre, of course, his voice quiet and pleading. I looked to him then, as I couldn't help but do. I saw Trowa watching me carefully even as I caught eyes with Quatre's troubled gaze. I felt like he was ready to pull me apart limb from limb if I so much as made Quatre frown. Damn but he had to be an intimidating bodyguard.

Good. Quatre was that much safer.

"Duo..." He hesitated. "Are you sure?"

About the promise. "Yeah." Then I frowned. "But..." My eyes flicked to Trowa before focusing back on Quatre. "I think... there shouldn't be anything hidden." _Between the two of you._

Quatre frowned. "I don't-"

"Stop talking in riddles, please," Trowa murmured. His voice was soft, but no one could mistake the fury softly held captive in that tone.

I turned to him and shrugged. "Sorry." I turned to Quatre. "Basically, I don't want this to get in the way of you guys' relationship. The two of you shouldn't have secrets, right?" I shrugged again. "I can handle it if it gets out." I was positive I didn't hide the wince in time.

"Duo-"

I cut off Quatre's sad voice. "Really, I'm fine with it. I don't want you guys having any fights over me."

"We won't." Trowa's eyes gleamed a bit. In dislike.

Well. That... was a bit of a switch.

"Trowa." Quatre turned on Trowa with a disparaging tone.

I sighed. Shit. We were about to enter into official danger and I had just started a rift between two very close lovers. A grand start. Maybe I _shouldn't_ go back.

But Heero's tears...

God, I was going to hurt someone no matter what. Quatre and Trowa's relationship would suffer if I was around, and Heero and Wufei would suffer if I left. I was going to hurt someone no matter what.

Why? Why was my existence never...

"Quatre-"

"Trowa-"

They came together then to talk quietly to one another. I checked my watch. Another minute. Plenty of time for Quatre to tell Trowa my little secret.

But I saw Quatre shake his head. "No time," he whispered, looking at me. I turned away, but I was sure Quatre could see my fear. I really didn't want anything to get between the two of them – but I didn't want Trowa to know. Especially as he was now, hating me.

Quatre was right. The minute was over. I went out first, then Quatre, then Trowa. We both agreed on that much, I saw: we wouldn't let Quatre get hurt.

But still Quatre could take care of himself. He moved just as silently as we, meeting up with Heero and Wufei, who waited for us in the shadow of a warehouse, their 'cloaks' already lying on the ground, carefully folded. I met Heero's glittering eyes as we entered the shadow with them. Then I turned away from him to fold up my own dusty little tablecloth.

Wufei then gave us quick information via hand gestures – two on the right, on patrol. We would take the longer way, only manned by one sleeping guard who apparently had gotten bored with his detail. We would go in the same formation – Heero and Wufei, then us three. There were no words spoken between any of us. I took this as a blessed reprieve. I could only hope nothing happened to anyone.

Harlow. I'm coming to get you, fucker.

I grinned then, just before Heero and Wufei got into position. Hero caught the grin and seemed to pause, but he ignored it to take Wufei's back. I concentrated carefully on how wonderful it would feel to get my hands around that slimy bastard's neck. Oh yes. I couldn't wait.

We slipped out of the warehouse's shadow then to ghost over to an abandoned pile of boxes. After that was a nearby building proclaiming "Jill 'n' Jane's Pasta" to be the best in town. I grinned at the stupidity of such a sign before we moved again, this time to a more sedate building with a simple sign reading "BarberWorks."

We kept moving like that for a long time, eventually passing the lazy guard. He was leaning boredly against some pizza joint. His gun wasn't even in his hand.

I entertained the thought of stealing it for about half a second.

We progressed this way, slowly but surely, from Sector D to F. We'd crossed kilometers when the space station's dawn cycle started running through, clearing the fake sky in pinks and purples. I hardly noticed the man-made beauty. We had met a few more guards, but we'd managed to sliver past them. How much longer could that continue? Especially now that the fake sun was coming through. We wouldn't be able to continue blending in with the darkness.

And as if my thoughts had triggered the occurrence, someone shouted from above us.

I turned immediately. A guard was shouting to someone behind him. With a sharp sigh, I pulled out the pistol from my Belt'o'Grenades and shot the poor bastard.

Then we were quickening our pace. The alarm sounded seconds afterward.

We were met immediately by two more guards, stupidly thinking they could take on the intruders alone. It was Heero and Trowa who took them out.

We split up once we entered Sector G. Heero and Wufei, being partners already, took the left, and we took the right. I watched their backs as they turned around a brick building, then turned steadily away. They could take care of themselves.

Then my worries turned to us, as five men came forward before we could move out. We took care of them, but our position was damned. We took off quickly and silently, moving toward the next sector, taking care to find a continuous route forward. More men came, practically a freaking platoon. We had no choice but to find individual cover and take down the enemies before moving forward.

I hadn't been counting the kills, but the number was beginning to thin when I heard a pained cry from Quatre.

I stood then, coming out from under cover, to try to give Quatre time to duck down. I fired on those bastards in front of me, picking off three before they got their asses in gear. Trowa, I could see, had zipped over to Quatre's side. I grimaced. Was it just me, or had there been an aura of agitation over my existence in the area?

Finally I just said to hell with it and pulled out a grenade. We'd been hoping to save the things, but this was an emergency and damned if I wasn't going to make sure Quatre was safe. My aim was perfect when I let it set sail.

I ducked beneath my cover and heard men shout an already-too-late warning before the explosion sounded. I didn't wait for the dust to clear before standing again. I shot the few survivors and raced to Quatre's side.

"Qat?" I questioned when I got close enough.

Trowa was holding Quatre up; he'd taken a shot to his arm. It was bleeding badly, even though Trowa had already made a tourniquet and bandaged the wound.

"I'm fine," Quatre muttered.

I felt my heart beat erratically. Shit. Two of us were already injured, and we weren't even in Sector H. Worse... worse, Quatre had taken this hit because I hadn't been able to take care of Harlow myself.

Wordlessly Trowa went to stand on Quatre's left, guarding the injured arm. I took the lead, ignoring Trowa's penetrating stare. He wasn't happy with me.

Was it my fault that Quatre got hurt? Had he been too busy worrying about me?

I grimaced at the thought.

When we came to the entrance to the next sector – a carefully erected metal door big enough for twenty people standing on each other's shoulders to walk through – we found Heero and Wufei waiting for us. Heero was absently rubbing his injured leg.

Shit, that was right – make that three people already injured.

We each gave status reports. I saw plainly the worry that flashed through Heero and Wufei's eyes when they heard about Quatre's injury. They demanded a diagnosis from Trowa, then nodded. I was glad to hear Quatre had taken a full-through without having hit the bone or the artery. That meant the blood and infection were the only things to worry about. Good.

Trowa shot a look to me, though, and I realized he was angry that I hadn't asked. Nevermind that I had trusted Quatre's word and had been worried about the enemies and the need to get to the next point. Apparently things had changed, and now the guys wanted to be worried over. I looked away from him. It hadn't been the time to fuss and worry. Maybe Trowa was just looking for more reasons to dislike me.

Then Heero turned and hacked in the password he'd apparently already had – he must have been the one to do surveillance as to where Harlow was while I was playing my little unconscious game. I felt my gut twist in painful knots thinking about the danger he'd been in. It was an effort to tamp the fear down and let Shinigami slip once again into the forefront.

We slipped behind cover before the door opened, ready for the worst. And we found it.

There was a fucking squadron waiting for us, already firing before the door opened more than a crack. We waited for them to realize we weren't there. Once the firing paused, we leapt up and counter-attacked. I threw two grenades, blowing the fuck out of the enemies there. The others, not so outrageously equipped, settled on using their automatics. We ducked again when the smoke began clearing, and the enemies started shooting again. I noted with a grim smirk that there weren't nearly as many gunshots.

With a reckless snarl I rose back up and threw another grenade, ducking quickly back down. I was angry, I noticed with some surprise. I almost paused for a second in shock. I was absolutely furious. With Harlow, with this entire fucking mission, with Heero and Wufei and Trowa. I was absolutely furious.

I used it.

I left my little cover and ran into the enemy's flanks. I think I heard Heero yell out my name.

And then I swerved around the remaining fools and shot one. Two. I twisted around one even as he aimed for me, switching my pistol to the side of his head as I stood behind him. I shot him, then used his body as a shield, dancing around. I gripped his gun and lifted the both of our hands together. Four. Five. Six. I stopped counting and snarled.

Pissed. I was absolutely pissed.

Why did Trowa hate me so much? Why were Heero and Wufei so dead-set on me returning, whether I wanted to or not? Why the fuck was it so important to them_ now_, after they'd officially shunned me? Why should I give them anything when they'd given me nothing but pain?

And why the fuck did I care?

I threw my shield-corpse to the side and pulled out my other automatic, now holding one in each hand. The men around me were shouting – I think I heard Heero's voice in there somewhere, and Quatre's. Blankly I swiveled my eyes to my next target, watching everything. I eliminated four people in my mind, leaving them be. Without thought I labeled them allies.

I killed the rest.

I just stood there for a while, panting and gasping and glaring at the ground. Bodies. They were everywhere.

I hadn't felt sick at the sight of corpses in years.

I felt an overwhelming pain digging into my side and arm just as Heero came up beside me and held me up, cursing vehemently.

"Goddamn dumbass," he snarled, taking me to a beaten-up scaffolding. "Fucking reckless bastard! I should leave you out there to rot!" But he gently set me down, taking from me my weapons and putting them down beside us. "Wufei, head out without us," Heero ordered tersely. After Wufei okayed Heero's decision and led Trowa and Quatre away, Heero sighed. "Duo, you're bleeding."

I looked down at my side, where Heero was staring. I grimaced. I must have pulled the stitches Wufei'd mad. "Huh."

Heero merely sighed again and had me lie down. I suffered through his poking, then carefully ignored the burning in my gut as he carefully traced my arm. "You pulled a couple stitches here, too," Heero murmured. "What were you thinking?"

It probably wouldn't be good to admit I _hadn't_ been thinking at that moment. "It worked," I grumbled.

"With you getting hurt," he pointed out.

"Could've happened, anyway," I said with a careless shrug. I winced when the movement irritated my wounds.

Heero was silent for a time. "Ah," he whispered. "Quatre."

I said nothing.

"Trowa..." Heero hesitated. "Trowa has seen Quatre worry about you for these past three years. It was hard for him. He couldn't do anything to help Quatre through it, like he usually did. He doesn't hate you. He just..."

"Don't," I muttered, letting Heero bandage my arm. "It's fine."

Heero gusted out an agitated breath. "Why are you trying so hard to be the joker _now_?"

"Jester," I said without thinking, then winced. Oops. Heero's fingers stilled.

"Well?" he asked with deceptive calm, returning to his task.

"No reason."

"Bullshit," Heero said, even as he kept his voice easy.

I cocked an eyebrow at the tone. So. I was irritating him. I looked up to the 'sky,' wondering why his fingers were so soothing. I wanted...

Nope. Not going to think about that.

"It's easier," I said finally.

The fingers only hesitated for a millisecond. "I see. I suppose I understand that. Being a perfect soldier was easier than feeling. But when the others accepted me..." He stopped there. "Ah," he said again.

Yep, I was definitely fascinated with the sky then.

"Duo, what do I have to do?"

"Nothing." I didn't like the slightly anguished tone in Heero's voice. See? I couldn't fight Heero's pain. _That_ was why I gave a damn. Because I still cared so very much for these guys. Despite everything, that hadn't changed. How else would they still be able to hurt me so badly?

"Duo." Heero sighed again. "I understand that we've changed, and that all of this is new to you. I understand that you're overwhelmed by the changes. But we're being sincere."

"I know that," I murmured.

Heero seemed to hear the truth in my words. "Then it's the sincerity itself that disturbs you?"

I flinched.

Heero finished working on my arm and turned to my waist. I almost flinched again at the feel of those warm hands touching my waist. I ground my fingers into fists. "You don't doubt our words. Our intentions, then. Or our reasons?"

I remained focused on the sky.

"Dammit, Duo, at least answer yes or no!" Heero snapped, finally losing patience.

I was honestly about to answer – honestly – but then he lifted up my shirt.

My mind completely blanked.

His hands were so very... warm. Calloused but gentle. I felt my body react and blushed horribly. I could only pray that Heero didn't notice.

He didn't seem to, but carefully checked my wound, his brow puckering. "Well?"

Vaguely I remembered that I was supposed to be talking about something. "What?"

Heero growled. "What is it about our words that concern you?"

I shrugged and winced. I really had to stop doing that. "I guess... I don't really know. It's hard to explain."

"Try," Heero advised.

I struggled with it for a minute. I couldn't let loose anything that made my feelings blatantly obvious. "I guess... look, don't get mad," I said quickly.

Heero hesitated again, then nodded once, almost in a jerk. His hands carefully finished unbinding my wound. He studied my side and hissed. I didn't bother asking how it looked.

"You guys were nothing like this before." A good place to start, right? But I saw the tension pull his shoulder blades together. "You were... rude." To say the least. "And I got used to being..." Hurt.

"I understand," Heero said quietly. He carefully checked my ripped stitches before ripping his shirt and beginning to re-bandage my waist.

I struggled with wording before just giving it up for lost. "You want something from me. I've said no, and you guys..." I sighed. "Suddenly you care? Suddenly you've decided, now that _you're_ ready, that we should suddenly be friends?"

Heero flinched.

I felt instantly bad. "Look, I just need some time to adjust."

Heero finished his work and just stared at the bandage for a minute. I felt wholly uncomfortable, lying down with my shirt up, Heero just staring and staring. I felt the ache in my chest, a regular companion, grow in proportion to my heart's yearning. It hurt so much worse than my stupid fucking side.

"I can't understand," Heero said with frustration. "I've tried, but... I was there, with them, the entire time. I can't see it the way you do."

I struggled to sit up. "Hey, it's no big-"

"I swear to God, if you keep it up I'm going to fucking hit you."

I shut up and stilled.

Heero looked at me carefully. "You changed, very suddenly."

Oh shit.

Heero saw my eyes widen, even though it was almost imperceptible. "I knew it," he hissed. "I _knew_ it." His voice turned sardonic. "So what was it? Did you pity us? Or are you mocking us?"

That fucking hurt.

I stood with a flourish then, whether in anger or extreme hurt even I couldn't tell. "We should head out. The others are way ahead of us by now."

Heero stood too, though much slower, as if to force himself to be calm. His body was absolutely rigid, and there was a distinct feeling of 'pissed' emanating from him.

Still, I wouldn't dignify his cruel words. I picked up my guns and checked the magazines before placing one in its holder on my back. I turned to Heero. "Let's get going."

I didn't make it a step before Heero grabbed my good arm and swung me back around.

"We're not finished," he promised.

Without a word I wrenched him off and led the way into Sector H.


	17. Rise

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. Duh.

* * *

Sub Rosa

Chapter Sixteen

Rise

* * *

Sector H, when Heero and I entered, had already seen its share of destruction. It was easy to see which direction Wufei and the others took. Some soldiers were trying to help their comrades. Some attempted to shoot us, but some ran. One, I remembered, looked at me defiantly. I smirked and tilted my head up, but I didn't shoot him. His gun was in its holster. He wasn't a threat.

Disturbingly, I saw that Wufei and Trowa and Quatre could still be efficient. I felt bad, again, for bringing them into this.

It took us about ten minutes to catch up to them, to see them fighting off another horde of baddies. Where the hell did Harlow and all them manage to find these people? Heero and I quickly took cover, Heero with Wufei, me alone by a busted building. The sign, laying in pieces on the ground, seemed to be advertising a firm. I almost laughed.

Then I tossed a grenade.

As usual, screams accompanied the explosion. I was down to only three more. I had to be careful now. Had to plan them out.

I turned and studied everyone while I could. Wufei still seemed fine, but Trowa must have also taken a hit, because he was favoring his right leg slightly. And because Quatre was casting concerned glances to Trowa every ten seconds.

Heero zipped over to Quatre and Trowa, and I left it to him to take care of them. Wufei was clipping in a new magazine. He caught my eye and quirked an eyebrow. I grinned unrepentantly. He just shook his head.

"Duo, we're ready to move out." Heero came up to me. "It seems we've cleared this level. We're going to Section 3 now."

I nodded. "All right." Only three more sections to go, then we would finally be in a position to meet up with Harlow.

But four of us were already injured.

I cast a worried glance toward Quatre and Trowa. They weren't even supposed to have gotten involved, and now, after seeing me for the first time in three years, they'd entered into this shit. My fault. Mine.

"It was merely a glancing blow, pretty slight. He'll be fine."

I turned to Heero, then looked away. "Have I said yet that I'm sorry I got you all involved in this?"

Heero seemed stunned. He rocked back on his heels, silent. I wasn't brave enough to look at his face to see for sure.

"I'm actually quite happy we got involved."

I looked at him in shocked disbelief. "What?" A stupid question; it was obvious that I'd heard him.

"If we hadn't, I may not have ever seen you again."

His eyes flickered with some pain, even as he smiled in obvious happiness. I couldn't understand it, because my heart was too busy _mis_understanding it. I finally turned away, uncomfortable with the hope. It was getting in the way of the mission.

Wufei headed forward then, breaking up our little conversation. Trowa and Quatre went then. Heero and I fell in behind them.

We knew we entered the next sector only because the place hadn't been utterly decimated yet. So far things were silent.

Smarter. These enemies were smarter.

"Shit," I murmured, quiet as a shadow.

Heero just flashed a small, quick little smile in response.

It shouldn't have made my heart trip.

What the hell, I wondered, was with him? He wanted me around, but then he would say such things as, "are you mocking us?" Bastard! What was with him? Sometimes I felt like we were, if not getting closer, then at least learning about one another. Did he really think me capable of such a thing? And after I'd immediately dismissed the idea of he and Wufei trying to manipulate me...

Dammit! I was pissed again.

I was the first to react when another group of enemies showed up, but it might have been because I'd been looking around for something to focus on instead of maintaining my anger. It gave me a quick release.

Then another group came, and another. Quatre almost took a hit, but Trowa and I shot the wannabe hitman. Trowa glowered at me as we moved out.

Then we were at the entrance to H-4. Moving right fucking up.

Before entering, we took a well-deserved rest in an abandoned building to the right of the entrance.

Trowa and Heero sat down, letting their injured legs stretch before them. I sat, as well, clutching my side. My shirt was wet with blood. Dammit.

Heero caught sight of my injury and grimaced. I pointedly turned away.

Wufei, the only one unharmed, was checking Quatre's injured arm, gently dabbing at it and all-in-all trying to care for it the best he could. Trowa, I saw, watched, but with no apprehension.

I sat in a corner, trying my best to blend in as much as possible. My arm and side were railing at me. I just leaned my head back and let them whine. They would be put back to work again pretty soon.

"We should continue," Wufei said finally, patting Quatre's arm softly. Quatre nodded, even as he stood and moved beside Trowa. He silently slid down the wall. I watched with envy burning in my. They did that silent-communication thing, Trowa's brows down in a slight V. Worried. Quatre smiled at him.

_Are you all right?_

_I'm fine, love. Don't worry._

I turned away. Okay – that hurt. I rubbed my chest absently, just barely seeing Heero looking at me. I let my hand drop.

"I agree," Heero said, turning to Wufei. "If we turn back to resupply, we may have to cut through more enemies. We want to keep them running."

"More," I pointed out, "the sooner this shit is over, the sooner we're done." And the sooner some of us could get medical attention. I kept my eyes carefully away from Quatre.

Wufei nodded. "Exactly." He, too, took the chance to sit, but within eyesight of the outside the building, keeping lookout. It would be just like one of Harlow's troops to show up and try to take us down while we rested. "We'll want to continue on soon."

"Hn."

Three guesses as to who said that, and two didn't count.

I smiled slightly at the sound. It was... familiar. Not even knowing what I was doing, I spoke.

"Geez, Heero, such a blabbermouth. Give someone else the chance to speak."

There was a silence then, immediate and, to me, tense.

Then Quatre burst out laughing.

"Oh, Duo," he said when he could breathe again, wiping his eye, "I've missed you."

I turned to him, ignoring Trowa's dirty look. This was Quatre I was speaking to, not Trowa. Quatre, my one friend during the war, the one who knew me inside and out. The one I hadn't been able to hide from. "I missed you too, man."

Quatre beamed at me. Here was someone who knew exactly why I had exiled myself. Here was the one person who understood... me.

This time it was Trowa who stood. "Let's get moving," he said tersely.

Quatre looked at his lover with a frown. Without a word, he stood as well, sending a glance to me. I just shrugged for his benefit and stood. Heero was already up and moving beside Wufei to speak privately. Wufei's eyes shot to me. I sighed in resignation.

Finally we got moving again, encountering no one before crossing into H-4. There was no squadron waiting for us. There wasn't even a sign of people nearby.

Ambush? Or...

Heero and Wufei shared a look, then turned to us. Two right, three left. Don't bother guessing the groups.

I nodded, then silently unclipped a grenade and held it out. Wufei frowned, but Heero understood. Wordlessly he accepted it.

Good. They had power, then.

Then, to my utter horror, I heard the familiar sound of whirring gears and ground-shaking thumps.

_A mobile suit._

No wonder the place was deserted.

"Shit," I hissed.

"Split up!" Wufei shouted. I dodged to the right, vaguely following my comrades movements – Heero went left, Wufei left and up, Trowa and Quatre to the upper right.

And then hell broke loose.

I dove for cover as the suit opened fire. I covered my head as dust flew. I saw the enemy turn to me and felt my heart pick up to race, beating painfully against my breast. I ran from my cover just as it was blown to bits. The shooting continued without pause, following me, practically shooting off my toes-

I saw Heero racing out from his position, even as Wufei tried to stop him.

Heero was putting himself in danger again.

I instantly let Shinigami take over, let him take the reins and do whatever it took. Just like always.

Two grenades. Two legs. I raced toward the mobile suit, zig-zagging to try to decrease the chance of being hit. Heero saw my change and altered his movement of well – he would take down the arm.

I leaped through the legs even as the suit tried to turn. I wouldn't let it stop me.

I snatched a grenade and bit out the pin, throwing it unerringly for the target. Before it even had the chance to hit, the second was in my hand and de-pinned, as well. I threw that just as the first exploded.

I covered my eyes and ran forward, watching the suit fall. Heero ran to the side and launched his own grenade at the firing arm of the suit. A Leo, I realized now, allowing myself to accept unnecessary images. A Leo mobile suit.

Then I was charging forward, leaping on top of the Leo and jumping down to the cockpit. I didn't bother trying any fucking password, just shot the hell out of the console. It didn't open – the man was trapped inside. I shot a couple rounds before giving up – the metal was just a bit too thick. He would have to wait.

We had to escape, just in case there were more.

Wufei had come to that same conclusion. "Move out!" he shouted, waving me to come join them. I jumped away from the cockpit and hurried past him, letting him take the rear. "Good job, Maxwell," he huffed.

"Of course," I retorted. Vaguely I realized that my side was screaming in agony. Let alone my arm. _Complain later_, I thought coldly. We still had a ways to go.

"A mobile suit," Wufei muttered.

"And we still have to get through this section, then another one," I said.

"How many do you suppose he has?"

"Dunno. I'd known he had the parts, but I didn't know he had an actual product."

Wufei hissed. "So he could have either one or one thousand."

I thought about it for a minute. "No – I think he could have up to three."

Wufei hissed. "That's two too many."

I hummed an affirmative and informed the rest of the group. "Hey, guys – based on the amount of metal I'd caught Harlow sneaking in these past few years, he could have two more suits."

Heero cursed.

"All right," Quatre said calmly. "We don't want to enter another battle with them, especially since we have no more grenades. We should split up and meet at the gate to Section 5. Shoot if you're in danger."

We nodded, then turned to leave in one-man teams.

And I was on my own.

The worry came to the surface as soon as I could no longer see the others. I couldn't help it; I'd just now seen them again for the first time in three years, and here they were, in danger because of me. I could never allow myself to forget that I had gotten those important to me in danger.

Of course, one of them hated me, another two meant the best and managed the worst. But still, it didn't change the fact that I cared for them all. Yes, I'd distanced myself from them, but... I'd seriously thought that they would never want to be _near_ me. Only Quatre. And though I'd hurt Quatre – Quatre _and_ Hilde – Quatre had understood. I needed space. I needed time. I needed _me_, whoever I may be.

But still... to leave them all for so long... that was bad enough. Unforgivable enough, that I'd turned away from them just as they'd turned from me, and in doing so had hurt them just as I'd been hurt. That alone was bad enough.

But now, after three years of enforced separation, I finally met them again. And how did we meet? Not in a restaurant, or a coffee shop, or even a bookstore. I had often feared going to such places, wondering if I would have the mischance of meeting any of my old comrades. No, it hadn't been in any random place – Taco Bell, for instance, or even on a bust.

No. It was now, while chasing my greatest challenge and most dangerous foe. I had led my old comrades, whom I have not even spoken to in years, into hell. And why? Because I'd been too weak to stop Harlow on my own. Now Quatre and Heero and Trowa were hurt when they needn't be. Quatre, in particular, should never have seen such danger again.

My fault.

It was with more resignation than surprise that I heard crushing footsteps coming my way. The cover in this section was sparse and crude, already destroyed. Buildings, dilapidated at best, with no car that wasn't crushed. The men in the suits had gotten bored.

Still, there was a wall of brick left over from their roughhousing, and I used it as cover. The mobile suit had most likely seen me. Vaguely I thought about sending up a shot, but I quickly rejected the idea. Heero had a tendency to throw himself into situations whenever he thought me in danger. I wondered idly how he would react if I were Wufei.

Then I grimaced.

Okay. I had to fight alone, because that's how I fucking wanted it. I couldn't think of shooting off rounds and... and having them come and save me. So it had to be quick.

How the fuck could I be quick when I was armed with two automatics and up against a goddamn Leo? It wasn't possible. It was hardly possible to win.

I debated with myself for a long time, wondering just what the fuck I should do. Die? I wasn't particular to that ending, though it would solve a number of problems. Fight alone? Yeah, most likely the best option. After all, five people with automatics was little better than one. It would just mean that the enemy would just be trying to stomp on five ants instead of one. Very little help.

So. Go it alone? And most likely die.

I grinned.

As the enemy came up to my hiding spot, I slipped around the side. Yup, it was a Leo all right, and it was looking at the wall like it was bubble wrap – you just couldn't help but step on the shit. Yeah. I was hip-deep.

I leaped out as the foot descended to crush the wall, racing behind the machine. The same tactic, only different weapons. And because I had nothing but my automatic, I was screwed.

I jumped on the foot of the Leo and hung like a fool while the suit turned to try to find me. Good – he hadn't seen my destination. That made this a bit easier. I climbed up the leg while he searched futilely to find me. I was to his waist when he apparently decided that, if he couldn't find me, I must have hidden. He pulled his assault rifle out and began shooting the hell out of any remaining cover.

Shit. That would definitely attract attention.

I quickly raced up the suit and grabbed at the joint at the waist. The sound of the gun firing was almost deafening. Worse, my arm and side were absolutely splitting. I levered myself over, around him, until I faced the front. Behold the cockpit.

Now was where things got sticky. Last time I hadn't been able to shoot through the cockpit's hatch, which had been okay because Heero had disabled the weapon. Here, the weapon was still very much in use. This guy could still kill me, even if he was trapped in the machine. That would be extremely counter-productive.

No, here I had to be cruel. I had to hack into the cockpit's system, lock the man inside, and then... turn off the support system. Hacking it open wasn't possible – machines didn't allow anyone to break in if someone with the correct password was inside. And turning off the support system was only possible if you were a number one hacker. I was. This guy would die slowly from suffocation.

I apologized to the air as I began hacking.

Of course the man knew immediately that something was wrong, but it took him a blessed minute to realize I was the reason. Then he hilariously tried to turn the gun around and shoot me before he realized that, one, that was impossible, and two, that would also mean his death.

Then, hilariously, he began opening the hatch.

I stopped my hacking and turned to the side, pulling out my pistol. The hatch opened, and the man blindly fired. Once, twice. A pause.

I twisted in and shot the man full in the face.

Without a sound, he fell back into the cockpit.

I bent inside to drag the body out, trying not to think too hard about the number of people I'd killed today. I had a hand around his shoulder when I heard someone shout my name.

"Duo!"

It was Heero. Of course it was. I recognized the voice immediately – and the blind panic in it. I turned to see what he wanted.

And came face to nozzle with the third Leo's assault rifle.


	18. Fear

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. Duh.

* * *

Sub Rosa

Chapter Seventeen

Fear

* * *

It was simple enough to just let myself fall.

"Duo!" Heero shouted again, but his voice, so full of horror, was drowned out by the rapid firing of the last Leo's assault rifle. I plummeted like a rock. Anything you've seen, any movie, in which someone drops from an outrageous height and then manages to land easily, with nothing but a stumble or a roll to show effort, is bullshit. Only Heero can manage that, and even he didn't look too graceful tumbling head over heels down the cliffside.

I already knew my legs would break.

I braced myself for the pain, but it never came. Instead thin, smooth muscle caught me and pulled me into a warm, hard chest. I instantly recognized the feel, the scent. Heero.

Heero landed back on the ground, apparently having jumped to grab me, and paused to adjust before continuing to run, trying to reach cover.

"You didn't call for us," Heero growled.

I hardly cared that his tone was so dark and angry; I was reveling at his strength, his beauty. Stupid to think of such things when in this situation. I tried to shake the errant thoughts off. "Would've ruined my attack."

Heero's hands clenched around me. "Hn."

Oh, here we go.

The rifle didn't pause in its firing. It was painfully clear that amateurs were riding in these cockpits. Still, there was a bit more skill in this one. He turned as Heero ran, following his movements, trying to gage his destination.

"Put me down," I muttered.

"No."

Hellfire. It was impossible to think coherently when Heero's body was everywhere. How the hell was I supposed to take this guy down if I was trapped and befuddled in Heero's strong arms? I didn't need to be protected.

"Your leg," I fretted.

"I'm fine." But his voice softened infinitesimally.

He slid us behind a ravaged car. It had seen better days; it was missing entire portions of its anatomy. We were behind what was either the hub or just the twisted parts blown into what could potentially resemble the hub.

It was only then that I saw the others; everyone had formed on the sounds I'd made. Shit. Quatre and Trowa were causing a distraction as Wufei slid around the back of the mobile suit.

"Are you unharmed?" Heero asked me. I turned to him then and nodded. "All right." And he raced out to join the others.

I was two seconds from doing the same when... I saw. A pattern was forming effortlessly – one took each side, right, left, front, back. Each kept dodging the massive machine, watching out for themselves and one another. Within minutes, they'd managed to get Wufei up to the cockpit, messing with the system. This guy was smarter when he opened the hatch, though, waiting for Wufei to show himself.

But Heero was in target on the ground, far away from the machine, and he took the man down.

I stepped out from the car wreckage, eyes wide. Trowa and Quatre seamlessly formed from the sides, having pulled off their distractions perfectly.

A team.

I turned away then as each called out their statuses. I tonelessly called out, "no damage," when my name was called.

They didn't say anything about my not coming and joining their battle, though Trowa gave me another Look. We just formed back together again and fell into a simple formation. There were no other sounds, and we quickly found ourselves at the entrance to Section 5.

I was unsurprised to find a vid-message waiting for us. I quickly checked it for traps and turned it on.

"Congratulations, Strike. Or should I say Duo Maxwell?" The bastard's face twisted into a smirk. "In any case, it is very nice to know you will soon be here. I have been waiting. How do your friends fare? I do hope you're all well enough to welcome me. I would hate to lose you all before you faced me.

Oh, and by the way – I have a very interesting surprise waiting for you. I hope to see you all soon. Good-bye."

"Arrogant bastard!" I snapped. "Surprise. Whatever this surprise is, it's what's giving him confidence. But he couldn't possibly have any more suits. I know that for a fact."

"Then what could it be?" Quatre wondered. Jack Harlow's unconcerned face was still etched on my brain. Quatre was looking at the blank screen as if trying to make it divulge secrets.

"We have to move nonetheless," Heero said grimly. "Let's be prepared." Heero's eyes flickered to my waist. I knew it was because I was bleeding; I felt the stickiness on my clothes, my skin. It wasn't good. But I didn't mind. Quatre was torn pretty bad, as well, and Trowa and Heero were favoring their legs.

We were in bad shape.

Wufei sighed. "All right."

I checked my guns. They seemed fine, though my pistol was about out. Only three bullets, and no magazines. I'd had one, but it had been lost in one of the fights. I grimaced at that.

"Everyone ready?" Heero asked.

"Yes," we chorused.

"Then let's move out."

We filed through again, readying ourselves. I took the middle with Quatre this time, Trowa with Heero, Wufei in the rear. We were going in on strengths. Heero and Trowa's legs may be injured, but they could use their weapons without pain. Quatre and me – not so much.

We managed to make our way about ten yards in before we met with the newest army.

This one beat out the rest, bigger and badder than any of them could have dreamed to be. They, I knew now, hadn't been to slow us down, but to injure us, make us sweat. These were the reinforcements, as it were. The cavalry. We were injured and tired, and these guys looked like they'd done nothing more strenuous than jumping jacks.

I snarled.

There was no cover. Absolutely none. The place was barren. There were holes in the ground, flying cables, that spoke of things that_ had_ been there, if nothing else. I felt vaguely bad for the citizens who had undoubtedly been evicted from their homes, wondered just what the law enforcement here had said about it.

The enemy didn't give us time to do much. They just started firing.

They were good. They didn't just randomly shoot off their guns and pray for success. I couldn't follow all of those hands at once. We all got separated in there, but Quatre and I managed to remain side-by-side. We ran to the right, taking down enemy after enemy. I wished stupidly for one more grenade.

Then Quatre cried out.

I couldn't even follow fully what happened then, as I saw Quatre fall. In one instant, I turned to the enemies and fired crazily, leaning down, kneeling, in front of Quatre, no longer moving. They turned our way, I could see it like a wave. But none managed to hit us. I realized belatedly that it was because I was shooting them all. They were standing almost in a line. I just kept my finger on the trigger, not giving time to pause. It meant losing bullets. It meant a millisecond of difference. I was a millisecond faster.

"Quatre!"

The voice triggered a reaction – unsafe, but couldn't shoot. I faltered for one instant.

Pain rippled across my body. Fire burned down my left shoulder. I cried out.

"_Duo!"_

I continued to fire, even as someone came up behind me. I growled on instinct. The person behind me ignored me – I prepared to take them down, too.

"Duo, wait, it's Trowa! I'm coming over, too!"

There was someone firing. He was edging closer, but his firing wasn't aimed at me. Pain came at his voice, but so did a feeling of safety. I let him come.

A spark of thought entered – _there should be five of us_. I let the thought die.

"Quatre! Quatre, please, please be okay!"

The voice was interrupting me, keeping me from being able to focus. Idly I noted an enemy's aim. I wouldn't be able to dodge in time. But the enemy fell, and I quickly shot the next.

"Trowa, help us take these guys down!"

That beautiful growling voice made me grin. Back-up? Oh, yeah. He was my back-up. He would watch the unsafe one. He would protect me.

There was a sharp sound from the unsafe one before he straightened his gun. I felt a shimmer of unease, but I left it to my protector. My eyes were fluid, like I'd been playing a simple game over and over again – a focus so sharp one's eyes seemed to dull. My hands moved before my mind managed an order.

We were out in the middle of nowhere. The enemies, if it weren't for our skill, would be dancing on our corpses now. I thought of that and snarled.

Someone grunted – the unsafe one. I shifted a bit to cover him without thinking. My protector did the same. I heard him curse.

Then the enemies seemed to change their strategy. Apparently they had noticed that they were sitting ducks, too. They began to lie on the ground. I took down as many as possible, but some hid behind their fallen comrades. I grimaced. They had shelter now.

"We need that," I growled.

We needed corpses.

Mr protector grunted, already moving. I saw another moving with him – the fifth. They ran up, and I covered them, desperate now. I couldn't let my protector be harmed. My attention, however, slithered over to the unsafe one now and again. I hoped he wouldn't kill me. I needed to protect.

They made it to what had once been the front lines and grabbed up bodies, immediately putting them in front like shields. Then they dragged a few more toward us. I covered them with grim determination.

Another bullet caught me; my protector wasn't there to stop it. Pain rippled up my side, mixing with an old wound. I ignored them both.

"Duo!"

That voice, closer now. I didn't turn to it. Two enemies were looking at me now. I ripped through them both-

And ran out of bullets.

I had no time to place my rounds in. My enemies immediately fell on the sudden silence, knowing what had happened. I waited for those guns to fire. I could see them turning slightly, positioning themselves from beneath the shelter of corpses-

And then my protector was there.

He stood before me, the corpse safely placed before him, covering the both of us. "Duo-"

"On it," I heard someone murmur. My hands were already grabbing the bullets stored around my chest. I felt pain tear through me and wondered why. I okayed my protector when I was ready, and he handed me a corpse. I lifted it up with my right arm. He moved then, going over to the unsafe one. He had a corpse already, and there was someone very still beside him. An ally.

I began again, watching with dead eyes, picking off enemy after enemy. The injured one behind me – the one who knew me far too well – groaned.

My gaze sharpened still more, just that little bit. They didn't stand a chance.

* * *

I felt like I was escaping a fog when I next found myself. Heero was panting, and Wufei didn't seem to be too far behind. Trowa collapsed into a sitting position and put his head between his legs.

_Quatre._

I turned to him for the first time. His face was pale, his mouth pulled back in a grimace. He was clutching his side, breathing carefully. Injured. My best friend was injured... because of me.

"Quatre," I whispered.

I was shoved away then, pushed until Trowa was the one there before Quatre. He carefully cupped Quatre's face in his hands, then turned to Quatre's wound. It was a good shot on the enemies' part; it had gone into his stomach and lodged itself in there pretty tight. The blood loss was great.

"Get him out of here," I ordered, but my voice was weak.

"He's right," Wufei said tiredly. His voice was laced with pain. I turned to him, only to find him favoring his right arm. Blood was dripping.

I hung my head. My fault. All my fault. Everyone was hurt, and it was all my fault.

"Duo."

I looked up dazedly. Heero was looking down at me from a great height. I furrowed my brows in confusion, only then finding myself sitting on the ground.

"Duo, let me see your injuries."

I cocked my head to the side. Injuries?

Then I felt them: my left shoulder, burning like hot coals, like lava. I winced, then again as I felt my side split open. I cried out softly.

Heero was kneeling before me in a second. "Let me see," he whispered.

I whimpered when he touched me, even with the barest of fingers brushing against me. The warmth was still there, slicing its way to my heart, to my groin. But the pain... I whimpered. I couldn't help it.

Heero hissed as he lifted my ruined shirt. "You took another one," he murmured. "And your shoulder?"

I bit my lip to keep from crying like a baby as Heero ever so carefully ripped the shirt and pulled it off. Blood was caked everywhere, some still escaping through my wounds. Heero looked at it all with a pained look on his face. Then, with his voice soft as silk, Heero spoke. "Damn you, Trowa."

The man, I noticed – again belatedly, dammit – had already left.

I knew, though, what Heero was talking about. Why he was so furious. Trowa had called out for Quatre, his voice randomly filtering through my focus. It was essentially what had gotten me shot.

"He had a reason to react," I said quietly. I would probably do the same... if I saw Heero fall.

I shuddered at the thought. Winced. I wasn't fond of pain.

"Hold still." Heero's voice was soft as velvet once again, just like it had been when he'd been treating my injuries before. It made my chest burn.

Heero's hands ghosted over me, carefully checking. "Both are still inside," Heero murmured quietly. I tried not to imagine them moving around in there; for some reason the idea always made me vaguely nauseous. Her touched the edge of a wound. I hissed. "Sorry," he whispered.

"Yuy."

Heero turned to Wufei. "How are you?" he asked. His voice was laced with obvious concern.

"It passed through. I am fine." He turned to me then. "Maxwell?"

"Fine." But my voice was soft and scratchy and even I couldn't make myself believe it.

Wufei frowned.

"We need to keep going, and I'm not leaving you two to face this alone," I grumbled, quickly deciding that arguing whether I was fit or not would be a waste of time and energy. "We have only that tower over in the distance there." I nodded to the only building for miles: a tall, thin gray thing that, if we'd been on Earth, it might have been called a skyscraper. As it was, it was almost as tall as the mobile suits had been. That was the one Harlow was hiding in, with whatever secret he had.

It wouldn't save him.

I stumbled to my feet. Heero seemed about to argue, but then he closed his mouth and stood close beside me. I could smell his skin, the sweat that overpowered whatever soap he'd used before. It made my mouth water. I carefully took a step away.

I thought I saw Heero wince.

I turned to him then. "How about you?"

"I'm fine." But he was definitely keeping his weight off his bum leg. I looked at it in concern, but I didn't see any blood. Wufei, on the other hand, had a shirt almost as ruined as my own. He had a makeshift tourniquet around his right arm. I winced at that.

"Fucking hell." We were screwed.

I firmed my back. My vow would remain. I would keep these two alive, no matter what. I would see to it that they were taken care of. I would do anything for that. Give my life? No problem.

But if I died too soon... I wouldn't be able to protect them later.

We trooped forward, keeping our weaknesses in tight rein. Heero didn't walk with a limp, I didn't curl into the destructive pain in my side. We wouldn't give the enemy the satisfaction – or the advantage – of seeing our wounds.

The barren landscape held no more enemies. All of them had fallen to us, though some, I was sure, had merely been knocked out. We'd been able to be a bit more generous toward the end.

I checked my gun. Only a few more rounds. Add that to the three bullets left in my pistol, and I wouldn't be able to go much further.

That was fine. There wasn't that much further to go.

We arrived at the base of the tower without incident. We stared at the metal doors for a second, then Heero took the lead. Wufei went in behind me.

_I hope Trowa got Quatre to safety._

Heero carefully opened the door. We stepped away from the entrance, just in case. My side heaved and burned like a motherfucker, pouncing on every breath to dig the pain down deeper. I ignored it with everything I was – if I fell to the pain, it could very well mean Heero's or Wufei's fall, as well. I couldn't let that happen. I _wouldn't_ let that happen.

But there were no gunshots, no sounds of human existence within the building. There were multiple levels, though, and they'd most definitely gotten the message of someone entering. We had to be ready for a sudden assault. It would be better if we were inside, if there was cover to be found in there. If not... I looked up warily. The windows were blessedly still, but that could change at any moment.

I turned to Heero, and he nodded. His gaze went to Wufei, who quickly mimed a message of safety... for now. My eyes slid to that entrance. I could almost feel Harlow there, his aura calling out to me. Calling for me to kill him. My lips slid back into a cruel snarl. I wanted him. For everything that he'd done... for all the pain Heero and Wufei and Trowa and Quatre – and I – had suffered through because of him. I wanted him to pay.

With Heero taking the lead once more, we moved forward and entered the building.

The final dungeon of the game. It was either victory... or game over.

I stepped in, my gut tight.


	19. The Game

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. Duh.

* * *

Sub Rosa

Chapter Eighteen

The Game

* * *

We entered the foyer, a large white room with potted plants on either side of the short hall. There was another vid screen waiting for us as soon as we stepped inside. It flickered a bit before focusing. The picture – the secret something – was immediately clear.

"Fuck!" I cursed.

Relena Peacecraft was seated before Jack Harlow, on the floor before his opulent chair. The reference to a throne was apparent.

Okay, what the _fuck_ were that damn girl's bodyguards _doing?_

"Oh? Reduced to three?" He smiled benignly. I wanted to jump through the screen and punch the hell out of him. "Hm. I suppose that will have to do." He gestured to Relena. "As you can see, I certainly still have the advantage."

My hands clenched into fists. "Let her go!" I demanded.

"A foolish order, Strike." His smile brightened. "But if you would like to join my collection... you look even better on the screen. How would you look in person? Even with all that blood, you look simply marvelous. I like you without your shirt."

I fought down a shudder and sneered. Sicko. "Let her go. This is worse than anything else you've done, Harlow. You'll get the death sentence for this."

"What is the difference? If I let you take me, you will kill me." His smile never faltered. His hand, his disgusting tan hand, reached out to play with Relena's blond hair. She closed her eyes in disgust. She was gagged and bound. A thick rope twined around her neck and wound up to tie around the arm of Harlow's chair.

"How about a trade?" I said with a smirk. "Me for her."

Heero hissed from somewhere beside me.

Harlow's smirk widened. "Scared, Strike?"

It was my turn to hiss.

"You were all very careless. Your dear princess here was so very eager to stop this from turning into a battle." Harlow smiled so charmingly I wanted to spit. "She set up a meeting while you all hid from me."

I turned to her. She looked properly ashamed, but still indignant and righteous. Her eyes were trained on Heero. I tried to ignore that. Heero, I saw, was meeting her gaze. That... I couldn't manage to ignore.

"Let her go, Harlow," I growled.

"No." His hand stilled then, carefully encasing her head. "I do believe this is where we make negotiations. You all surrender to me, and-"

"Mmf!" Relena mumbled.

His hand fisted in her hair and yanked. Heero took an instinctive step forward. Harlow smirked.

"That's not going to happen," I said calmly. I carefully kept my hands unclenched at my sides.

"It's not negotiable. Be happy that two of you escaped such a calamity. Such a shame, though. The dear Winner boy was important, too, wasn't he?"

He thought they were dead. Fine. That suited us perfectly. If he thought they were dead, he couldn't get to them until they were in a safe place. "That's..." I let my voice waver for a second. "None of your fucking business."

Harlow's smirk only grew. Relena's gaze fell then, her eyes obviously full. This, I knew, was what she'd been trying to help avoid. Too bad she'd thrown herself to Harlow, thus making the situation a thousand times worse.

"I'm afraid we still have every intention of stopping you," Wufei said calmly.

"I won't kill her, of course," Harlow said. We already knew what that meant, but he felt he needed to say it, anyway. "I'll just break her fingers. One by one. To start."

What the hell were we going to do? Relena Peacecraft _could not_ die. I wasn't fond of her – her naïvete drove me crazy – but she was absolutely necessary for the tenuous peace we'd risked our lives – our _souls_ – for. She needed to be rescued safe and sound.

"Let her go, and these two. You can torture me as you please."

Heero's head turned sharply to me.

"Oh, but I would like to _thank_ you, Strike." Harlow chuckled. "After all, if it weren't for you, none of this would be possible."

Now my hands _did_ clench into fists.

"Well, come on up," Harlow said now. "I would love to see you in person, Strike. Could you possibly look even more beautiful?"

The picture died out before I could respond.

It took a moment to regain my control. Heero turned sharply away as I breathed carefully. Wufei watched Heero with a wary eye. "We can save her," he said.

I breathed once more before trying to speak. "Yes. We would need someone to sneak through while we made our way up. Whoever could move quickest, most silently. And, of course, if there are metal bars in the way or something, that person needs to be able to bend them." I cast a sardonic glance to Heero.

He could only nod once, sharply.

I sighed. "Heero, you're gonna have to be the one. He's looking for me. Wufei, I think, would be able to blend more, since you had too obvious a reaction to Relena's-"

"I know." His voice was tight.

"We'll get her out, Yuy," Wufei murmured.

"I know."

I turned away. Yeah, we would get her out. Somehow. I had no idea how to do it, or what the hell I was going to be able to do to help. Harlow was after me; his wisecracks about my looks were either to egg me on or – God forbid – he actually wanted to play with me before killing me. In any case, I would kill him. He wouldn't be able to do anything to anyone then.

Heero slipped away with nothing more than that.

Wufei and I watched him go. "All right, Duo," Wufei sighed, "it's time for us to go." He eyed me for a minute. "Are you feeling well?"

"Huh?"

"You're very badly wounded," he noted.

I quirked an eyebrow at his arm, then sighed. "I'll worry about it later."

Wufei frowned. "Maybe you should-"

"No," I said firmly. "I'm seeing this through."

Wufei nodded a bit reluctantly. He seemed to understand. "Duo, this isn't your fault." He started down the empty hall, and I cautiously followed. We heard nothing, but that didn't mean that there wasn't anyone waiting for us.

I said nothing.

Wufei sighed. "I'm sure Harlow would love to give you the blame for what he's doing. He wants to make it seem as if you acted as an accomplice. But you went on Preventors' orders and took down four major crime rings."

"Missing one," I said sourly.

"More than we could have done." Wufei seemed to have to choke out that admission. I found myself humbled. Wufei hated admitting weakness, hated failings even more. This... had to take a lot. "Do not blame yourself for this, Duo."

Okay, he was using my first name. He was worried.

I blew it off with a careful shrug. "I'll just feel better when my mission is officially over."

"Hm." Wufei nodded, then quieted.

We headed through hall after hall until we found a stairwell. Heero had no doubt taken the grates, so we were stuck taking the more conventional route. We carefully watched the elevator as we passed it. Then we were even more cautious entering the stairwell, knowing we could easily be trapped or ambushed. But there was no one, and our footsteps, despite how quietly we moved, echoed hollowly. I hated the sound we made.

We made it to the second floor, then cautiously checked the floor before hurrying to the third. We paused again once we reached the third floor. There was another vid screen waiting for us.

I turned to Wufei. "One of us will need to hide," I whispered. He nodded.

"You."

I grimaced, but it seemed more plausible that I would be in a rush to take a quicker route to him. I nodded my assent.

Carefully Wufei stepped out into the hall. He approached the screen with his gun cocked.

Then, without a sound, he fell.

"Wufei!" I hissed. I broke military rule and went after him.

The screen sparked to life.

"Another one down, Strike. That makes three." Harlow's voice reached me, cocksure and arrogant. I ignored him and turned to Wufei, carefully checking for spinal or cranial injuries. "And where is that angry one? Ah, yes, I know. Coming to try to steal the dear Miss Peacecraft. I'll deal with him, as well." That damn smile. I could hear it. I fearfully checked for Wufei's pulse. I had to bite my lip from sighing from blessed relief. It was weak, but it was there.

I turned on Harlow fiercely. "What the fuck did you _do_?" I demanded.

"Now, now, Strike, is that the way to talk to me?" Harlow tugged Relena's little leash for emphasis. "Besides, you should know better than to have friends. You're a bounty hunter. Any friend of yours will inevitably be killed."

I froze. How dare he speak my fears. I felt my hands shake with rage. Carefully, carefully I calmed myself. For Wufei, for Heero, I needed to get through this. "Just what the fuck are you planning, Harlow?"

He chuckled softly. "Why, I want to be the next Al Capone." His grin widened. "But I want to own much more than just Western USA."

I snarled. "Dumbass. Al Capone wasn't completely bloodthirsty. And he didn't _own_ Western USA."

If anything, Harlow looked amused. "Hm? I suppose we can argue that... eventually. For now..." He looked pointedly at Wufei. "Enjoy watching your comrades fall."

The vid screen blinked off.

I waited a moment, making certain he was really off-line, before checking the vid screen for bombs or gases. Nothing. I ripped the wires out and hurried back to Wufei, checking once more for a pulse. This time I gave my relief sound. "Wufei. Wufei, please get up."

I checked his body. No blood. Gas? Poison? I couldn't smell anything, but that didn't necessarily mean anything. It could be odorless.

But if that was the case, why wasn't I affected, as well? And how had it reacted so quickly, without any warning?

I looked around again, more carefully this time. The halls were white and bare, reminiscent of a hospital hallway. Smooth, even walls, smooth ceiling. Only the vid screen broke the monotony-

The floors.

I stared at the flooring before me, then trailed it down to below my feet. I cursed and snatched Wufei up. I was almost careless with him, so desperate was I to reach the safety of the stairway.

A touch-sensitive flooring lay beneath us.

What the hell had it done? I gritted my teeth. My best guess was electrocution. Somehow Harlow had had the floor set with weight or heat sensitizers. I thought of our decision, having me stay back... Harlow had been one step ahead. I cursed.

"Come on, Wufei, don't do this to me." I carefully placed him down, ever watching his face. He didn't move or change expression at all. I found I was having trouble breathing. "Wufei, Wufei, come on." I wouldn't cry. He was alive. There was still time.

I moved him to the side, keeping him lying down on his back. His chest rose and fell steadily. That, at least, was a good sign.

I had to leave him. It hurt, deep like a knife to the chest, to leave him. But Harlow knew about Heero, and I _had_ to get to Harlow before Heero was found. I had to save him, if no one else.

"My fault," I whispered. My hands trembled for a short second as I looked on Wufei's face. Asleep as he was now, I was aware for the first time how very... mortal... my friend was. He somehow looked less severe, more welcoming. His eyebrows weren't pulled over his face as they had been during the battles. I remembered him with a much more austere expression than this; he could almost be dreaming. I hoped his dreams were good.

"Please don't die," I whispered. Then I straightened, took one of his pistols – I had to leave him his other weapons, just in case... but I couldn't let myself think the worst – and left him alone and unconscious in enemy territory.

* * *

"Ah, Strike. We meet again."

The fifth floor had been carefully checked – including the floor – before I stepped out to meet the vid screen once again. I was afraid I would see Heero there, at his feet with Relena. Or worse... but there was nothing. My guard didn't drop.

"Harlow," I greeted warily.

"I see you left your dear friend behind. It must be hard." His grin widened. "You should never have come after me, Strike."

"Oh, but you know me – conscientious killer all the way."

"Hm." He petted Relena while he spoke. "Yes, I suppose. It's almost attractive."

Okay, this was getting ridiculous. "You have a problem there, Harlow?" If I couldn't get there first... just in case... I would give Heero a chance.

"Nothing you couldn't take care of, Strike." He smirked.

"Yeah, a bullet to the head solves a lot," I shot back, snarling.

His smirk slipped away. "Careful, Strike." He gripped Relena's hair as a warning. I bit my tongue. He smiled again, this time in absolute triumph. "There now, that's better. Why don't you call off this game and just surrender to me, Strike?"

Then he didn't have Heero yet. "No way, fucker." I grinned. "I've beaten tougher than you."

"Yes, but this time you don't have your dear Gundam with you."

My grin turned into more a show of teeth. "I've beaten tougher than you without Deathscythe."

"Oh? Then explain your sacrifices."

I grimaced. Though it was true no one was dead – yet – it was still worse than usual.

I smirked for my audience. Relena was trying to grab my eye – I wouldn't face her. I couldn't deal with her emotions, her fears. Not if I was going to be able to do this. "It's pretty simple: coming up here, it wasn't _you_ we were fighting."

Harlow's eyes took on a hard edge, and I knew I'd hit a nerve. Hopefully he would lose just that little bit more control. That would do me good. Better, it would do _Heero_ good. "You won't win, Strike."

"Yeah, I think I've heard that one somewhere before." I pointed my pistol negligently at the screen. "But I _will_ win, Harlow. And you'll die." I let Shinigami's grin steal over my face. "Bang."

"We shall see, Strike." Harlow's face composed itself back into it's usual calm assurity just before the screen flickered off.

Fifth floor. Two more to go. Heero was most likely either close to the top level or he was already there.

I needed to hurry up.

I turned from the screen and raced as quietly as I could to the next level. I checked the level again, careful for any sudden enemies. There was no one so far, but that could just be to lure me into a false sense of security. I wouldn't let that happen.

The place was white and completely unadorned. One had to wonder just why the hell the man got such a huge building. There was nothing in it. What a waste of construction. It reminded me a bit uncomfortably of G's training fields. There were plenty of buildings like this, white and empty and haunting. There was nothing. The nothingness had seemed to close in on me. I trained like hell for no other reason then to escape the white sometimes. I was used to gray and black and... different tones of color. Even on the streets, there were colors.

I checked every single room before going to the top level.

I checked the stairs one by one for traps. Harlow was up here; there was no where else he could be hiding – right?

I hissed. That had better be right – I was getting tired of this damn game.

In any case, he was close. I could practically taste my revenge. I thought of Quatre, of Wufei. I would get revenge for them, too. I wouldn't let Harlow walk away from this.

I reached the door and stood in the hallway, listening, my ear practically glued to the door. There were voices. I thought of Relena – her mouth gagged – and knew without a doubt that Heero had beaten me to the punch.

"Welcome."

So he'd only arrived shortly before me. That was... unnerving.

"Harlow."

Heero sounded pissed.

"You've managed to beat Strike here. I must commend you. I thought for sure my traps would stop you."

"You underestimated us."

"Oh, not quite."

There was a quick movement, then an ear-piercing shot. Relena's muffled scream followed in the echoing silence.

I felt my heart seize.

"I'm not so easy to take down."

I almost gasped with relief. He was okay.

I silently unholstered my pistol and held it up in my left hand. My shoulder and side burned. My earlier injuries couldn't even make themselves heard over the newer ones. I ignored them all and waited for the one perfect moment.

"But I'm not so easy, either."

A whirring sound. Relena made a horrified garbling noise.

I heard the sound of something powering up.

Without thinking, I burst into the room.

There was a large machine behind Harlow, something long and round and shaped like an alien gun. He had Relena before him, his personal human shield. Her eyes were wild and pleading. I didn't know if it was for her sake or Heero's that her eyes were so pathetic, so wide and blue and helpless. I hoped it was for Heero. I didn't _think_ she was self-centered...

Heero, I immediately noted, was far away, on the other side of the room. Harlow turned to me in that instant. He took in my bared teeth and cold eyes with no hint of fear.

I raced toward the machine. Harlow adjusted to keep me away from him, but my concentration wasn't on him at that moment.

Heero wasn't aiming for either Harlow or the machine_. _Instead, he was already dodging to the side as I made my way toward the gun-thing.

Something was wrong.

I shot the hell out of the machine, aiming for the small wire I saw closely embedded on its side. Three bullets – my gun's ammo was gone – and it snapped.

It whirred around to face me for a haunting second before tipping over-

It overheated, I could see it. I turned instinctively, even as it fell. Its target focused beyond me, to my side-

Harlow's face still didn't show fear, but it did show anger. He shoved Relena forward, blocking himself from his own beam cannon, even though I could plainly tell it wasn't aimed for him, or even for me.

Shit.


	20. Believe

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. Duh.

* * *

Sub Rosa

Chapter Nineteen

Believe

* * *

It all moved so slow – but it happened far too fast.

The beam cannon – how the fuck did the man have one in here? – was charging, almost ready to fire. Aimed for Heero. The panic swamped all reason from my system.

Heero, on the other side of the room, was too far to do what I was doing.

I was moving, of course, already racing toward the machine. It was in the far corner, safely ensconced far away from destructive minds. I wasn't fully aware of what I was doing. I didn't stop to think about how Harlow had gotten it set up, how he'd gotten the thing turned on and charged while on the opposite side of the room. I just... reacted.

It was Heero who noticed it first, of course. He shouted a warning that I didn't quite understand until I'd shot off that last bullet. Then I saw the thing spark and fall, blessedly aiming away from Heero-

But I hadn't taken into account just _how_ it would fall, too obsessed with getting the thing away from Heero. My mind had focused on him and had conveniently forgotten that Harlow and Relena were directly in line of the beam if it just so happened to be shot the exact way I stupidly shot at it.

Harlow had already pulled Relena in front of him.

I wasn't stupid; I knew she had to live. I reacted thoughtlessly.

I dove for the machine.

"Duo!"

I hit the barrel of the massive structure with my shoulder. Instant pain, as my wound and the heavy metal made sharp, forceful contact. I think I screamed. The beam screamed in my ear as the blast shook the frame. We fell in a tangled heap.

Relena definitely screamed then.

But Harlow was laughing. I crashed to the ground with my upper body lying over the barrel. I couldn't find the strength to stand yet, as my side had just then decided to inform me I overdid it there, too. I opened my eyes to check on Relena. I could only pray she was alive.

She was.

The cannon had blasted the hell out of the wall merely two feet from where she hung, limp and doll-like, in Harlow's grasp.

I sagged in relief.

Harlow's eyes glittered with humor as he looked at me. "So poorly executed, Strike."

I smirked. "Yeah. My bad." I pulled out my extra pistol and pointed it at him. "You know, I really want to kill you."

Harlow simply lifted Relena in front of him. "Yes, I know." He turned to Heero. "You. Come over here and help your friend." Harlow watched Heero carefully. There went the easy win.

I struggled up, unable now to ignore the pain. I winced and suffered through until I was standing again. "I don't need help, thanks," I managed, but it was more than obvious that I was lying.

Heero came up beside me then, his gun lying dormant at his side. I kept mine trained on Harlow.

"Well, well. I know I should kill you slowly, Preventor, but the loyalty Strike shows to you is intriguing. He was obviously furious and panicked when the other fell. What about when you fall?"

I saw the spasm of shock that shivered down Heero's spine. Harlow saw it as well. His smile widened.

"Hey, how about we just kill you?" I said, bringing the man's focus back to me. "Then you don't have to worry about such trivialities as how to kill us."

"Ah, but you can't quite do that, can you?" That damn smirk was hitting my last nerve. "And look at all that blood you're losing."

"I'd rather not," I said amicably.

Heero pulled up his gun at that moment. "We're not going to let you win, Harlow."

I gave Heero a look. We knew how this would go; we could see what would happen if we took the only option available to us. Heero's eyes were tight with pain.

I took a deep breath. I would have to be the one – Heero cared too much.

Which was something I'd have never thought possible before.

Without a word, we executed our attack. I took the right, moving towards the wedge between Harlow and the wall. Heero took the left. We both had our guns out, cocked and drawn.

Harlow, too, pulled out a gun, swiftly and smoothly with his left hand, and pointed it at Relena's leg. I saw where he'd aimed – her femoral artery. I quickly shot at him, right by his head. He flinched. When the gun went off, his shot missed by about an inch.

Heero shot then, and Harlow flinched away once more. Harlow's smirk was gone, and he was confused and angry. Good.

I saw an opening, minuscule. Heero, who had had a similar opening, had handed it over to me. I'd known he hadn't been able to do it. I took the shot.

Harlow shouted in pain, falling back, keeping a tight grip on Relena. I was already moving forward, having already seen that my shot would hit its target. Harlow's shoulder spouted blood over Relena's face and arm. She screamed – the second time? ThougI think she screamed when she'd been shot, too.

Heero grabbed Harlow's right arm and twisted cruelly, snapping it. Harlow's useless arm fell, and Relena was free.

She didn't move.

"Move her!" I snapped, going after Harlow's firearm.

But Harlow was already moving again, dragging it up and pointing it, not at Relena, but at me. He knew he'd already lost. I had my gun half-lowered in preparation of snatching away Harlow's gun. I wouldn't be able to raise it in time. Heero, I noticed out of the corner of my eye, was already pulling Relena away. His hands were full.

On instinct, I dove to the right – safely away from Heero and Relena.

I didn't see, but I distinctly heard two shots being fired.

Pain blossomed as I landed, but not from a new wound. I definitely cried out then.

"Duo!"

I rolled and knelt. My eyes sought Harlow's form, still and bloody on the floor. I struggled to stand.

"Stay down," Heero ordered. "He's dead; I took care of him." Heero turned to Relena, who was struggling against tears. She kept her gaze carefully away from both Harlow and me, apparently too disturbed by the side of blood and – my stomach rolled as I looked down at my wounds – guts. Shit.

I very carefully sat down. I was losing an outrageous amount of blood. "Wufei's still alive, Heero," I said quietly.

I heard the shuddering breath all the way from where he knelt before Relena. He was quickly making a tourniquet and bandaging her wound. "Thank God," he murmured.

"But... Quatre... Trowa..." Relena hiccuped.

"Quatre's injured, yes, but Trowa retreated with him. They should also be okay." Heero's face was soothing. Soft. I closed my eyes and let the new pain – or old pain – rip through me. I could hear the whirring of the beam cannon and frowned. "Heero – the cannon."

"I know." Heero's voice was tense – he must want to go check on Wufei now that he knew Wufei was alive.

"How did...?" I found it too hard to breathe to complete my sentence.

"It had already been charged before I'd even entered the room," Heero told me. The anger and frustration was still in his voice. I can't imagine how awful it had been for him to be rendered immediately useless – trapped before the fight even began.

"Ah." I found I had to lay down.

"Hold on, Duo. I'm going to set up a frequency and get Commander Une over here."

I only hummed what could have been an affirmative. Now that the fight was over, the pain was indescribable. I touched my side and felt a slit so wide my fingers could easily slip inside my own body. Shit. Did I rip the wound? Was I a fucking retard? The world looked far too fuzzy. Maybe I really _had_ done it – given my life. Would it be too late?

Looking at it now... I didn't really want to die.

I wanted to explore that, to find out why, but my brain didn't seem up to the task. "This is bad," I murmured.

Heero's head whipped to me. I thought I saw his eyes widen. Suddenly he was by my side. "Duo, hold on."

I looked into those eyes. The worry was beautiful. Oh, I didn't ever want to see that look on his face, but... if only the worry were something more. But there was an unmistakable intimacy between Heero and Wufei, one that couldn't be argued. I saw it, so very plain. I closed my eyes.

"Duo, I mean it! Don't you leave me again! I finally got you back!"

I didn't dare move; the pain was spreading through my entire body. Of all the ways to die, this was not the most pleasant.

"Relena, stay here. I'm going to send a message to Une."

"But-"

"Stay with him!" Heero ordered. I heard his footsteps race away.

It was silent for a time but for the whirring of the machine and Relena's panting breaths. "You okay, princess?" I asked finally.

"Y-Yes."

Yeah, right. I turned my head – fucking _ow_ – and glanced at the machine. It was definitely charging back up. If Heero passed through the hall when it reached full charge...

I again sat up.

"What are you doing?" Relena's voice quaked still. It was easily an octave higher than usual. Even more annoying.

"Turning this thing off." Easier said than done, of course, just sitting up made me feel like my guts were about to fall all over the floor. Of course they wouldn't; it was far too small a wound for that. But logic rarely had a say in such things.

"Is it... still dangerous?"

"Oh yeah."

Relena shrunk away from it. I smirked – didn't she see that she was in no danger, as far from the muzzle's line of fire as she was? Apparently not.

I struggled to stand. It wasn't drips of blood that I heard, but slops. It was nauseating.

"They're already on their way; Trowa informed-" Heero entered the room and gaped at me.

I should have known that Heero would come from the other side.

"Duo!" Heero sounded both reprimanding and horrified. He rushed to my side. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Pain seized me then, rendering me unable to speak. Relena told Heero for me. "He said he was turning the machine off."

"Dammit," Heero murmured. "Stay down," he ordered me, as he had before. I cocked an eyebrow. Damn; who would have known that doing even that much would hurt? "Duo, Une is already on the way. She's about fifteen minutes from the building."

Uh-huh. "Wufei is on the third floor staircase, I think." I could almost swear it, but I wasn't sure. "Go check on him."

"What happened to him?" Heero asked.

What, did he think I left Wufei to bleed to death on the stairs? "I think he was electrocuted. Good thing he was wearing those Preventor boots, right?" Preventor boots had rubber in the sole. Luck had saved Wufei's life.

Heero was silent for a moment. "I see."

He wanted to know more, but he wouldn't ask, weak as I was. And I just couldn't find the breath to tell him. I looked at those eyes again as they caught mine. He looked away and ripped off his shirt. Other than a cut on his arm from an errant bullet, Heero's upper torso was unmarred. I was eternally thankful for that.

Heero pressed his shirt into my side, gently moving my hand from the wound. He eyed my shoulder worriedly.

"We're all just losing our shirts right and left, aren't we?" I whispered.

Heero's lips quirked. "Be quiet," he murmured.

"Is he... okay?" Relena called, her voice still terrified.

"Yes." He turned to her then. "Just what the hell did you think you would accomplish here?"

She was silent. I glanced at her to see her shocked face. I doubted Heero spoke like this to her often. Funny. He spoke like that all the time to me.

"I wanted to prevent bloodshed," she told him.

"Did it work?" he snapped, gesturing to me. "Is _this_ what you wanted?"

"No, of course not! Heero, you know me better than-"

"When are you going to become responsible?"

"I-" Her voice seemed to choke up. I winced; he was being a bit harsh.

"You made this situation a hundred times worse by foolishly going to meet Harlow unguarded." Heero was furious.

"If I'd gone with guards, I would have given him the impression that-"

"What? That you were intelligent enough to watch your back? How many times are you going to be kidnapped before you realize you're being childish?!"

"Heero," I whispered. I hadn't known he could _get_ so angry at Relena.

"No, Duo. Not this time." His voice, oddly enough, gentled when he spoke to me. It sharpened immediately when he turned back to Relena. "Duo wouldn't be in this condition if he hadn't needed to protect you. Do you understand that?"

"But he-"

"_Do_ you _understand_?" he barked.

"...Yes," she whispered.

"Heero," I whined.

"Rest," he told me.

I couldn't help but comply.

The room grew eerily quiet. Heero stayed by my side, ineffectually trying to slow the blood loss. My head swam. I gave myself another five minutes. Tops.

Then came the footsteps, blessed footsteps, rushed. Back-up, of course, had safely arrived after all the work was done.

"Come from the left," Heero called. I vaguely remembered the machine. It was still whirring. Fuck. Not as quiet as I'd thought.

"I'm gonna pass out," I warned.

"Not yet," Heero urged, and his voice was again frightened and panicky. I almost smiled at it.

"Can't help it," I whispered.

"Wait just a little longer. I've told them you're injured; they should be bringing a stretcher and supplies. Just hold on a bit longer."

Why were his eyes even more beautiful now, hovering over me full of pain? I didn't want pain on his face. I hated it. So why...?

"Tired," I mumbled.

"Just a little longer, and then you can sleep." I felt his fingers sweep through my hair.

"No more," I begged. I didn't know how much more of this pain I could stand. He looked like he was mourning over a lover.

The newest pain of it washed over me, and blessedly I felt myself being pulled under. I closed my eyes.

"Duo? Duo! No!"

* * *

A/N: Damn, a short one. Sorry, but too good to pass up. Fear not; I hate deathfics. Just letting you know: we're nearing the end of the Disturbed Saga.

Reader: What? Not the end of Sub Rosa?

Kayura: Nope. Mwahahahaha. Sub Rosa, I warned, was going to be long. When this Saga is over, it's on to the next one, badly labeled because I hate naming chapters: the Pink Saga!!! So yeah. Enjoy.


	21. Meaning of Life

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. Duh.

* * *

Sub Rosa

Chapter Twenty

Meaning Of Life

* * *

When I woke up, there was no pain.

I was horrified for a brief second, then pleased. So. I'd managed to die after all. I wondered what my death was doing to the others. Heero had looked so horrified, so pained. He'd been hurting.

The regret filled me up then. What had I done?

And what of Quatre and Wufei? Were they all right? How dare I die! What if I wasn't the only one? What if...

_Heero._ Maybe it was for the best. After all, Heero was worried about Wufei, too. Maybe my death was a trade-off? Maybe Wufei had gotten lucky in return for my death.

Or maybe I was trying to make myself feel better.

I frowned. And shouldn't I be in Hell? I was uncomfortable, but not in any pain. And everything was white.

I tried to shift. Pain lanced through my system, throbbing newly due to my stupidity.

Oh. The hospital.

Damn. I wasn't dead.

I struggled through the haze of my brain and surfaced like I'd been pulled under by a riptide. Dammit, I hurt. Bad. Now that I'd made the mistake of moving, I was in a lot of pain.

I opened my eyes. It felt like a very long and strenuous victory. My stomach felt like it was burning. Because, of course, my guts had seemed about ready to spill out all around me.

That's... gross imagery.

There was no one in the room. That shouldn't have been a surprise. As a bounty hunter, I had found myself ensconced in the hospital before these past three years. And I'd always been alone then, too.

But I'd always wanted someone there... and that hadn't changed.

I closed my eyes and smiled at myself. Yeah. Alone. It was fine to be alone. Heero and Wufei had their thing, Quatre and Trowa theirs. Trowa hated me, too. It was just better to wake up alone. Still... still, I had to admit it hurt to find myself alone, all alone when Heero and Wufei swore they...

Of course, I had to be kinder to them. Wufei... I didn't know if Wufei was all right. And what of Quatre? But maybe this was a good sign. Trowa wasn't waiting to kill me, and Heero wasn't here, either. Which meant that Wufei and Quatre had to at least still be alive.

Right?

"Dammit," I whispered. My throat hurt. Damn. I was thirsty. Insult to injury, like having been shot multiple times wasn't bad enough. I thought about pressing the button for a nurse, but honestly? I didn't feel like it.

There was nothing to enhance the room in any way. No flowers or anything fruity, and no cards or anything, either. I had never thought much of it until one day about two years ago, when I'd released myself from the hospital and saw a man across the hall surrounded by both flowers_ and _cards, along with a teddy bear and what looked to be chocolates. I had left the hospital with nothing more than the bloody clothes I'd entered with.

Nothing big. As a bounty hunter living alone, it was expected to have nothing and no one. I hadn't expected any more that time, either, or the time after that. But that had never kept me from wanting it. Just as I wanted it now.

Still, it could be worse. Surely the lack of company was good. The injuries alone that my allies had sustained were enough to topple me over with guilt. I couldn't take anything more. It would crush me.

I looked over to the nightstand beside my bed. A phone sat there, as useless as it could possibly be. Then there was a clock, extremely useful. From it I learned that it was eight o'clock, though AM or PM was beyond me. In any case, it was still visiting hours.

I eyed that button over my head and wondered if I wanted to press it.

"Duo!"

I turned my eyes to the door, stunned. Quatre was there in the entryway, beaming. He sat in a wheelchair, practically bouncing in excitement. I frowned; he was in a hospital gown, same as me. Shouldn't he be in bed?

"Duo, you're finally up! Thank goodness! We were all so worried!" Bounce bounce bounce. I thought I saw his brow pucker in pain. He was wheeled in, and only then did I see the person pushing him.

Trowa.

I froze. His eyes were hard, as hard as they'd been before the showdown had begun. He was boring holes into me as if wishing he could sear into my body like Cyclops. I turned guiltily away. "Quatre," I murmured, but my throat cracked. I swallowed the wince. "You're all right."

Quatre moved his wheels, leaving Trowa behind. Trowa's frown deepened. The guy had an injury on his arm, too, dammit. What was he thinking? "Yes, of course. Trowa got me back to your ship in time. You had the provisions Trowa needed to take care of me until Une and her troops got to us."

_But you wouldn't have been injured at all if it weren't for me. And I bet that's just what Trowa's thinking._ By the look in those dark jungle eyes, I knew without doubt that the blame was solely at my feet. As it should have been.

Quatre began to wheel closer when I outright scowled. He stopped. "Duo?"

"Quatre, you got plugged in the gut and the arm. You've got to be aggravating your wounds."

Quatre frowned and looked back at Trowa. They started that silent communication thing again. I zoned out and watched my IV sway. Back and forth, back and forth. Boring. I looked back at them, at their eyes. Quatre seemed to be pleading something, and Trowa seemed downright pissed at the idea. I had no doubts that it was about me.

"Qat, you should go back to your room and get some rest. I'm about to call the nurse in, anyway."

Quatre turned back to me, a firm look on his face. "No. I'm not leaving until I hear what the doctor says about you." Quatre looked around. "Where's Heero? He's been by your side practically non-stop."

I felt my heart clench. "What happened to Wufei?" Because something had to have happened to Wufei for Heero to be near _me_.

Quatre seemed surprised. "Wufei's all right. He's on bed-rest at his house, but it's mostly a precaution. He only had to stay in the hospital for a couple of days. The doctor said he was really lucky." Quatre beamed. "Right now he's probably grumbling. He's not allowed to do any strenuous exercise."

Even as I felt the relief flow through me in waves, I also felt my heart be crushed all over again. I had known, dammit. I had known Heero didn't think of me that way. Why didn't my heart just give up and let me be? Why did it constantly make me suffer? "Oh." The word left me in a pained little gust. "I see. He's all right, then."

"Yes. Isn't it wonderful? We all made it out all right again." Quatre's face collapsed then. "But all those working for Harlow... they weren't as lucky. We ended up having to kill all over again. And Heero had never wanted to kill anyone else."

I winced at that. He was right; Heero had sworn to never kill again after the last uprising by Barton and Maremeia. Another weight settled onto my shoulders. I felt like Atlas, trying to hold up the entire world. "I'm sorry," I murmured.

Quatre shook his head. "No, no apologies from you. I mean it. This _isn't_ your fault." Was it just me, or did Quatre's gaze flick over to Trowa? "Oh, Duo, I'm just so glad you're awake. It's been almost two weeks."

"That long?" Impossible. Well, maybe not. With a hole in my stomach bad enough to act as its own surgical cut, it really wasn't that much of a surprise. Speaking of... I touched my stomach carefully. "What... happened?" I remembered Harlow and how Heero had taken him out. I grimaced. I had very much wanted that pleasure... and for Heero, it probably wasn't a pleasure at all. Dammit.

"Oh, of course. As far as I know, Une's medical crew made it in time to save you, though it was questionable at first. Wufei gave blood for you, since I couldn't." (1)

I frowned. "Was that safe?"

"He didn't poison you." Trowa glared at me.

I cocked an eyebrow. I wanted to glare back, but Quatre seemed about ready to jump in-between us. I looked back to my old friend instead. "What about him? He'd just been electrocuted. Wasn't he still recovering? He shouldn't waste his blood like that."

Quatre frowned. "It wasn't a waste, Duo. And he's fine. He'd been protected from the worst of the attack. As I said, he's only on bed rest for caution's sake."

I didn't like it, but I had to wonder why. Was it just for me, or did a certain someone ask Wufei to do it? Or maybe... maybe he'd just done it for a certain someone _without_ being asked. But I didn't want to think about all that.

"He's all right, then. Really. Is... is everyone safe?" I wouldn't outright ask about Heero.

"Yes, everyone's fine. Everyone but you." Quatre sighed. "We were all so worried, Duo."

I looked at Trowa and doubted that.

"Quatre's face firmed. "Well, anyway, after you, Heero and Wufei were picked up by Une's men, you were taken from the station and brought here. Heero said..."

Quatre paused, and I winced at the name.

"Heero said your heart had almost stopped beating twice. The doctors worked on you round the clock, trying to take care of your wounds. You had so many, just in gunshots alone. And with all that blood loss..." Quatre shook his head. When he spoke again, his voice was low. "Harlow had died, so his group had disbanded. Une sent a team in to retrieve all of his metal ores and round up the worst of his men. There... there weren't many left."

Thanks to us.

"Heero got out with only a few scrapes and bruises, the worst being his bummed knee. A few days and some special treatment got the thing as good as new. Heero says it only hurts a bit, and the doctor says that will fade after a few more days."

I sighed in relief. Heero was really all right. Thank God. "And you?"

Quatre sighed. Apparently he'd known I'd get to him, especially with him as he was, being carted around in a wheelchair. "I took a bullet to the stomach."

I flinched, clenching my eyes shut. _My fault_.

"The doctors got the bullet out, but there'd been so much fluid drainage that I was in critical condition for a while." Quatre looked carefully up at Trowa. His eyes were hard. "I only woke up a couple days ago. Apparently... the fluid had gotten itself all over the place."

I made my own little mental image and winced. No wonder Trowa looked about ready to barbecue me.

"By the time I'd gotten to the hospital, the doctors were ready to declare me dead."

This time, Trowa and I both flinched together.

"But I didn't. I'm back now, and I'm recovering fine. Granted, I'll have to cancel a few meetings, but that's all right. So neither of you need to worry about me," Quatre finished.

"Yeah, right." I wanted it to sound more flippant than it did. "Are you crazy? After hearing that, you're going to be learning some lessons about mother-henning people." But I stopped there. Yes, I'd planned on staying, but in the end, I just didn't have the wear withal to stomach being back amongst these men. Things between them and me would never just suddenly miraculously become better. I shouldn't have said that to Quatre – I just plain hadn't been thinking.

Quatre beamed at me, then looked around. "Heero must have finally taken our advice and left," he said sadly. "We told him to go get something to eat, and to get some rest. He'll be so upset that he wasn't here when you woke up."

I turned away. I didn't want to think about him. About how he wanted me to stay, about how he'd desperately tried to talk to me again and again, trying to figure me out. I couldn't think of all that just then.

"Well, we'd better get the nurse in here." Quatre began to wheel himself closer, but Trowa grabbed his wheelchair and gently pushed him forward himself. Trowa's face gentled as he looked down on Quatre. Trowa wasn't a bad guy, he just didn't like me. Getting on the wrong side of a Gundam pilot was just a bad thing to do. We weren't known to be saints, after all.

When Quatre was close enough to touch, he leaned forward and pressed the button by my head. An annoying buzz sounded, then a man's voice came over the intercom. "Yes?"

"Duo Maxwell has awakened. Please send a doctor down right away."

"Yes, of course."

"Thank you." Quatre returned to sitting back in his seat and smiled at me. "The doctor should be here soon. Then we should know just how well you fare."

I nodded. Well, whatever the outcome, I would be gone. Tonight.

Because if I saw Heero's face again, I may not be able to leave.

* * *

The doctor had been one of those less-than-stellar types who seemed to enjoy telling you all the ways you could die instead of exclaiming over your progress. I was warned about several different infections and viruses I was vulnerable against and how bad my wounds still were. It was as if the bastard knew I was going to take a hike tonight.

It was past dark, past visitor's hours and past time for me to leave. Quatre had been returned to his room by Trowa, and the hospital had shut down for the night shift. It was time to go.

It was more than a little difficult to get myself out of the bed. Every muscle, even those I hadn't felt in years, protested. And I was still a little high from the morphine, which I had discreetly taken out a couple hours earlier. The pain was making itself known, too, and it was bad. My stomach felt like it was being roasted, let alone everything else. I was sweating hard by the time I managed to stand on my own two shaking feet.

"Damn," I muttered. Quatre, after a few careful questions from me, had told me that my Demon's Wing had been put up in a lot about twenty miles from here. I needed a taxi if I was going to make it. In this condition, I would be lucky if I got out the window without harm. But I wasn't going to stay. On that I'd decided.

I worried about the condition of my Wing. What had survived? How many poems had I lost? I didn't want to think about that, either. Though I often swore to myself that I would get rid of them, I never could. They were a part of me. And oddly enough, I didn't want to lost that poem. Heero had stared at that poem almost as much as I had. It... it connected us, somehow, despite how impossible it was. That one poem...

Well, looking at it like that, maybe it was best if I _did _lose it. Maybe then I would learn.

I clunked over to the window, wincing each time. Good thing this wasn't a military hospital; if it were, those nurses would know something was up. I was shocked by their negligence as it was – but then you always hear yourself louder than others do.

I had to lean against the window for a few minutes, unable to hold my weight anymore. My arm, safely in a cast, made a small bang when it hit the window. I winced at the sound. I didn't wait to see if the stupid nurses were actually starting to pay attention; I guessed they weren't used to having one of their patients sign themselves out.

A picture of Quatre's beaming face entered my mind. This time my flinch wasn't for the noise I made.

Still, I grabbed the sill and began to pull.

"Duo."

I turned almost as if pulled by another force. Heero stood in the doorway, outlined by the dim hallway light. His eyes glittered. I thought I saw sadness.

I turned completely. He didn't move. "Heero." It was well past visiting hours, dammit. Which meant he'd cheated his way in.

"I thought you'd do this." Now he stepped inside, silently closing the door behind him. "As soon as Quatre told me were you awake, I knew you'd try to run out on us."

I grimaced. "It's time to go."

"No." He came even closer, until only half the room separated us. "Don't you see? You don't have to go anywhere."

I shook my head. "Our worlds don't intersect, Heero." I wanted to say 'not anymore,' but I honestly didn't think they ever had.

"Of course they do, Duo."

I had known looking at him would slow me down. I had known it would stop me in my tracks. I had known it would hurt. But this badly... for some reason, I always underestimated the power of the pain. "No, Heero. They don't."

"Duo." Frustration, followed immediately by desperation. "Please. Don't make me lose you again."

That one hurt so much I felt it rip straight through me. In agony I closed my eyes. "You never had me." _You've always had me._

"Duo..." The pain in Heero's voice was impossible to turn away from. "Just one month." It seemed to be something he blurted out, something he said without thought. It made us both freeze. It was he who moved first, bulldozing forward with odd gesticulations – pleading gesticulations. "Just one month, Duo. Just see what it's like now. See if you don't belong. After one month, if you still wish..." He seemed unable to continue for a moment. "If you still wish to leave, then... then we won't stop you. But give us a chance, Duo, please."

I closed my eyes. The pain of it – but this was why I'd though I would stay to begin with. This was why I'd told myself I would suck it up. My own desire to leave, to go back out to the stars and escape the pain of being with these guys... it meant nothing to the memory of Heero's eyes, red and downcast, and the voice that should never sound as desperate as it did just now.

I didn't smile as I nodded. "All... all right."

The relief surged through Heero so quickly he went momentarily limp. "Promise."

I almost _did_ smile then, but I'd never felt less like moving those particular muscles. "I promise I'll stay. For one month," I warned.

Heero nodded, a determined look plastered on his face. "Fine." It was obvious he would work to make me want to stay longer. But I wasn't doing this for me. "Then get in bed, and we'll see if we can't get you released tomorrow."

"To go where?" I asked. "It's not like I can properly take care of myself in my Wing, no matter how much the technicians fixed."

Heero frowned, hesitant. Uh-oh. "You'll be staying with me. It's already been decided by us. Wufei's condo is a bit small, and he's taking care of himself right now. Quatre... is going to be busy." _Keeping Trowa away from my throat,_ I finished for him, wanting to smirk. "So you'll be staying in the house with me."

So. That was altogether bad news. Though I was surprised to learn that Heero and Wufei weren't living together, I supposed it made sense. They would be assigned different partners if Preventors knew they were a couple. I was certain they wouldn't trust any of the less experienced members to take care of one another. And they'd always managed to communicate with each other better than most people could.

"I can't stay with you," I argued in token resistance. "You have your own thing." _And Wufei._ Who hopefully wasn't pissed that I was taking up Heero's time – and his house.

"I want to." His voice was so quiet I almost didn't catch his words. I stiffened at them. I couldn't take those words out of context. I couldn't continue to make that kind of mistake if I was going to be staying with these guys. I had to keep myself focused on the truth.

I sighed dejectedly. "I'll deal with it later," I muttered, moving to the bed. "I'm too tired right now."

That seemed to snap something in Heero back in place, and he came forward to help me. "No," I ordered. "I'll do this on my own." Just as I always have.

Heero hesitated, seeming to war with himself. Whatever decision he made, it was too late. I had carefully climbed back onto the extremely high-up mattress (and why are their beds so tall?) and positioned myself under the covers. I hated the immediate vulnerable feeling that spread over me.

Heero watched, his eyes half-closed and considering. "Put in the morphine," Heero ordered distractedly. I glared petulantly until he removed himself from that particular thought-processing. The man may have seen something in my body language that I hadn't hidden well enough. I had to be sure he never learned. I had to be sure no one ever learned. "Duo," he warned.

I scowled.

"Now, or I'll do it for you."

Knowing the threat was real, I let myself fold and snatched the needle with nothing more than a growl.

Heero sighed. "I'll see you in the morning." Another threat.

I scowled again. "I promised, didn't I?"

Heero smiled, though it was a bit weary. I was sorry for it, but I couldn't let myself give in gracefully. The real me, the me who wasn't the Jester or Shinigami, didn't want to be around them. I didn't want to feel the pain again, but here I was, setting myself up for it. Heero didn't think I would hurt, but then again, he didn't know the truth. And he never would. "Yes. You did."

Ah-ha. I had promised too quickly. Oops. I turned away. "_Only_ one month."

He frowned, then turned away and shrugged. "Fine," he said again.

I was hurting him. I wanted to apologize, but dammit, he was going to get what he wanted. If I played my cards right, I could make it seem as if I was slowly opening up to the idea of staying, one month longer, then another. Until finally we just stopped talking about it. And then that hurting droop to his shoulders would go away.

I would do it. For him.

"Good night, Duo." His voice was a mere whisper.

"Yeah," I grumbled, then added conciliatorily, "'night."

I thought I saw his lips quirk sadly before he left the room.

I stared at the hospital door far after it clicked shut. For him, I reminded myself. So he would never cry again.

I took a careful breath. For him. For him, I would continue walking in this hell. Because of those words I'd banned from my existence.

* * *

(1) Wufei and Duo both have Type B blood. Quatre has O blood, the ultimate donor. Trowa has AB blood, Heero A. I looked this up to be sure, but if I'm wrong, please let me know.

Well, the end of the Disturbed Saga has arrived. I have some ideas for the Pink Saga (lame name), but they haven't formed completely yet. It may be a small while before I get it out, but worry not! I am working on it, and it's highest in my priorities.

Late Note: Dammit, I returned from my cousin's wedding to find, OMG! THE INTERNET'S OUT!!! DAMMIT!!!!! Why?! WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?!?!?!?!?! So yeah, sorry about the wait. BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT I SWEAR!!!


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